Releasing Rigidity

Andrew Dewar [00:00:01]:

Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

Catherine Collins [00:00:08]:

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw, real, and relatable.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:14]:

Are you ready to grow? Do you find yourself being constrained by your own rules? Today's episode is all about releasing rigidity, and it's a topic that's very near and dear to us because a lot of it is just releasing the rules that we make up in our head as we go along through our day. How are you doing, Cat?

Catherine Collins [00:00:34]:

I'm doing pretty well. How are you?

Andrew Dewar [00:00:36]:

I'm good. I like this topic. I am very open to being flexible, and I just don't know how to do it. It's very honest. But I make these rules up in my head, and then I force myself to follow them, forgetting that I was the one that made them up, and I can change them. And I just. I just really want to be more fluid with things. More flowing, more flexible.

Catherine Collins [00:00:57]:

Sure. I think that the idea of a rigid person, to me, is somebody that is, like, very controlling. Everything has to be their way. The person that assigns, like, which family member brings which dish to Thanksgiving dinner, you know, just, like, sort of a hyper controlling, immovable type of person. I don't think you're like that at all.

Andrew Dewar [00:01:19]:

Oh, no, I wasn't like that at all.

Catherine Collins [00:01:20]:

No. Yeah, you're not like that at all. So that would be, like, an extreme example. But I do think all of us, all people have these sort of unknown rules in their head. Like, I don't do that. Or I think a lot of it can be rooted in things we learn to do and not to do as a child, for example, people who are people pleasers. I have a good example. I have to answer that text right now.

Catherine Collins [00:01:48]:

Like, that might be a rule in somebody's head that they have created. Like, someone's gonna be mad at me or someone's gonna think I'm x, y, or z if I don't answer that right now. And so in this episode, by even bringing awareness to the fact that we all have these little rules in our head, it might help our listeners to notice when they have them, and it gives them the chance on their own to say, is this serving me or is it not? Am I putting myself and my needs first, or am I not with this random rule I made up?

Andrew Dewar [00:02:24]:

That's a really good point. And I am definitely like that with texting. And when you said that, I'm like, ow. That. That hurt. That's what I mean. Like, when I'm talking rigidity, I'm talking about my own mental rules, not conformity to the things I say. I think the way the world needs to be about, like planning things or anything like that, I try to be flexible with that stuff because I find that life has a habit of when I try to make it one way, it goes the other way.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:46]:

So I just gotta roll with it. But I agree. I think a few other ones that come up are maybe mealtime is a big one. Not necessarily meal prep, but, like, we always eat at 05:00. Maybe you only have dessert on certain days of the week. Maybe you. There's a lot of structure that we have, and part of it is just for survival, and it's totally okay, but it also creates these really, really strong pathways. So, you know, like this week, you and I were hanging out and we ate like lunch at 03:00 and then it was like, we're not really hungry for supper, but in my brain I'm like, but I need to have a supper.

Andrew Dewar [00:03:26]:

Yeah, it didn't make sense. I wasn't hungry. There was absolutely no reason for me to put food in my mouth except for that rigid habit that I had a of. You have to have a meal in the evening. Which doesn't make sense, because really what I should be doing is paying attention to, are you hungry right now? Yes. Okay. But now it's time to eat. And if it's a no.

Catherine Collins [00:03:48]:

Yeah. That we have definitely changed a ton of our, like, preconceived notions of food and health over the last year. And if you have listened to any of our previous episodes, might know that one of our favorite things to say is that the rules are fake. And so we are constantly examining these life rules that we all have. Usually when we're talking about the rules are fake or referring to societal norms and saying that everyone has to have x, y, and z to be happy. But it also applies to that too. Like, oh, you have to eat at a certain time. Actually, I was noticing on Instagram there's kind of been this new wave of moms just moving up dinner to, like, 04:00.

Catherine Collins [00:04:33]:

Because kids come home from school and they're like, starving. And then lots of these kids, you know, they have activities and little sports they play and all these things. And so it's like you're either eating at 830 or you're eating at 04:00. So instead of giving them snacks, these moms are having, like, full fledged dinner at four and if they're hungry later, you know, just give them a bar or whatever. And I was like, well, that's a perfect example of someone embracing flexibility and not having to have the norm and not beating themselves up and not being like, I'm not a good mom. Unless we're all sitting down at 630 with our napkins and having this big thing. It's like, you got to kind of do what works for you. And I loved that example.

Catherine Collins [00:05:15]:

I was like, shoot, I should do that because there's definitely one or two nights of the week where, like, it's really busy and having a bigger meal ahead of time might work out better for us.

Andrew Dewar [00:05:26]:

I like that idea. I think there's a lot of little rules that we talk about that we're not aware of until you shed awareness on it. And we always say, to begin change, to do anything, you need to bring awareness to those things that you're doing subconsciously. For me, when I think about the rules and rigidity, I think what I need to do for myself is to challenge myself on why I think my way is better. And why do I think that I have to have that meal? Why do we have to have the meal at 05:00 why do I have to do the things in the structure that I've already created in my mind? Because part of it is survival and just being easy. I'm not going to change the way I drive my car too much because that's all subconscious and serving me for the most part. But there are a lot of times when you've got to look at these mental constructs that you've created and go, when did I make this up? What is this about? Because a lot of them we come up with are from very, very young ages. And I'm pretty sure the five year old me that decided to put this shoe on, like the left instead of the right may not have the same awarenesses that present day Andrew did.

Andrew Dewar [00:06:43]:

It's got probably better hair, though, to be fair. But you know, when you can bring that awareness to things and go, okay, I am clearly not living based on my best interests right now by keeping myself so fixed. I think it gives you room for expansion.

Catherine Collins [00:07:02]:

I like that.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:03]:

And that's a big thing.

Catherine Collins [00:07:05]:

Yeah. I actually recently heard on a podcast, of course, I'm blanking on the name right now, but they were saying that the happiest people are the most flexible people. Now, you and I both know that there is certainly a place for discipline. And I don't want to tell the kids, just be flexible. Do your homework, or maybe not do your homework or whatever. It's like, no, they have to do their homework. Right, right. Or like, you know, during your football game, just like, be flexible.

Catherine Collins [00:07:31]:

Just make up your own rules. You know, it's like there's some things in life that we need a little structure to. What they're referring to is just kind of being open to the possibility, being open to new people, new ideas. I mean, there are. All of us can think of someone in our families that is super rigid in their belief systems and maybe like, never open their mind to the possibility of something else. And it's like sometimes those people can be hard to talk to. I know that I would like to be somebody that regardless of whichever friend my kids brought home or whoever they date in the future or whatever, I'd like to be open to all thoughts and possibilities and ideas, whatever kind of job they want to do. And so for some people, if they're raised, raised in a rigid culture, it can be really hard to do that.

Catherine Collins [00:08:21]:

But that expanding your mind, meeting lots of different kinds of people, examining your own preconceived beliefs and rules, even in your own household, there's probably all these unspoken rules that you have. If you live with somebody, maybe you do certain chores and your partner does other chores, and it's these unspoken rules. Or maybe you do more of one thing, or you're always putting the kids to bed. You're kind of tired of this unspoken rule that got brought up and it's making you unhappy. Like, having the flexibility to change things up can improve things, too.

Andrew Dewar [00:08:56]:

I agree. It's good to examine the things that we just do out of habit. For sure. I think another part of this, and I'm going to go a little bit deeper on it, when we think of these rules that we've made, these rigid notions that we carry along with us, they come out of a very real situation or event. So if you're looking at these things that you do and you go, I don't know why we do this. I don't know why we always have to have a starch and a protein and vegetables at every meal. You know, like, I don't know. Yeah, it's.

Andrew Dewar [00:09:32]:

You know, like there's a lot of. Some of it's social, some of it's just made up, but that's it. It's all made up. Somebody's society's rule is just a rule we all agreed on at some point for the betterment of. Of humanity. It may not serve anymore. A lot of them do. But, you know, that is part of it.

Andrew Dewar [00:09:49]:

So when we make up these rules, it's a survival mechanism. It is something that we're doing because we wanted to make sure that we were liked or that we simplified something. But it was coming from a place of necessity in the moment. And whether it's just, you know what? Somebody complimented me when my hair was down. Now I always wear my hair down. So it's because that's the first time I got a compliment on my hair. And now that's just the way I do it because you're. You made up that rule.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:22]:

You made the rule that I look better this way without really ever questioning it. And a lot of us do that. You know, I I don't wear my glasses out in public a lot because I think I was called a nerd when I was younger, and I'm like, okay, well, I want to look cool, so I'm not gonna wear my glasses out in public.

Catherine Collins [00:10:37]:

Oh, my gosh. I love you in glasses. Make a new rule.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:42]:

There we go. So thank you for that. Thank you for giving me a start to a new pattern.

Catherine Collins [00:10:47]:

Yeah, you're welcome.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:48]:

I think part of it, when we look at these things, it's not about vilifying ourselves or saying we did it wrong. It's about having compassion for the person that made the rule up in the first place. So the parent that is over planning the meals on Thanksgiving and all these things, they're just doing it out of what they were taught or what they experienced. It's not a criticism. It's just maybe saying you might be happier if you order pizza and everybody can actually sit around and talk rather than spend two days making a meal. That's definitely projecting, because that's me.

Catherine Collins [00:11:24]:

But, you know, pizza for Thanksgiving, make it a hashtag.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:33]:

And that's how we single handedly ruin Thanksgiving for meetings with people anyway. Just kidding. But I think that's a really good part, to just be able to look at ourselves and go, I'm doing this one thing that I don't like, but I did it because it really served a purpose. I'll give you something very, very obvious to me, and I'm sure you've noticed it over the years, Cat, is I don't laugh out loud. Like, I'll say, lol, but when I laugh, I will bounce my shoulders. But I don't often laugh out loud. The reason for this rule is because of growing up with an autistic sister. She was very sound, sensitive, and I learned over time that if I laughed out loud, there was pain that was involved with that.

Andrew Dewar [00:12:18]:

So I had to stop being loud. And it's only in the last couple of years that I've looked at that and gone, no, I'm allowed to be like, that situation is long, long ago. But it was a rule as a teenager I made up to carry forward, and I never really thought about it, you know? And it's when you bring those awarenesses to yourself that you can go, oh, yeah, yeah. Twelve year old Andrew doesn't need to worry about that anymore. So 40 something Andrew is going to change, and it's not going to happen overnight because the change didn't happen overnight. It's progressive change that we allow ourselves to take part in.

Catherine Collins [00:12:56]:

I think that's a really good example. And I think there are a lot of people who behave a certain way or have certain things about themselves that they might note, realize are rooted in some of their childhood experiences. Like, there might be somebody who wishes they would speak up more in a work meeting, but they can't bring themselves to do it. And if you sat down and analyzed it and thought back, you know, why you are the way that you are, maybe you'll realize that, you know, every time you spoke up as a child, you were told to be quiet, or every time you tried to share your opinion, you were told, like, no one wants to hear your opinion or whatever it is. But most of us can maybe trace the things that we want to improve or the things we don't like about ourselves back some very early experiences where these things get sort of locked in our brains. And so if there's something about yourself that you want to improve, like Andrew's saying, like, hey, I can laugh out loud, or, you know, this, maybe somebody at work saying like, gosh, I really want to advance in my company, but I know I have to speak up to do it. Sometimes by bringing that self awareness and understanding why you're doing what you're doing and recognizing you don't have to worry about that anymore sometimes can break that cycle. And these are the rules, the quote unquote rules that we're talking about.

Catherine Collins [00:14:12]:

I know it's a bit of an abstract topic, but it is interesting when you think about how many things, like, people have in their brains that they have to do a certain way or else that can kind of be updated.

Andrew Dewar [00:14:26]:

Yeah. And you see it a million times a day where you just, you're not aware of it because it just happens. One of the rules, as we were just talking about that I just. And I'm just smiling at this because, you know, we're going into the Halloween season while we're recording this. I haven't had a candied apple, like a caramel apple since I was eight years old, because I had one. And then I ended up being sick the next day, and I missed Halloween, and that was the only Halloween I missed as a kid. And as you know, that's very traumatic. So I would still see these things.

Andrew Dewar [00:14:56]:

And I had a flu. It had nothing to do with the apple. The apple we went to, our friend.

Catherine Collins [00:15:02]:

That was the link in your brain.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:03]:

That's the link I made. And just as we were talking, I'm like, I want a candied apple. That sounds really good right now.

Catherine Collins [00:15:08]:

That. That does sound really good.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:11]:

But there you go. Like, when you start to kind of give yourself permission to look at yourself and go, isn't it silly how I always did this? Or, you know, it might be even deeper. It might be like, there may be a validity, deep emotional roots in these things. And that's okay. It's just being able to look at yourself from an outsider's perspective and go, why do you do that? Yeah, I think it's an important question to ask because, look, if you're going to grow into the best version of yourself over the next five years, like we coach, it's going to take change. Change is the only constant, as we know, which is such a cliche. I really wish I hadn't just said that. But when you think about changing things, you.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:50]:

You're gonna have to release the old ways to adopt improved ways.

Catherine Collins [00:15:54]:

Yeah.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:55]:

Grab on to those new things and it can be hard. It's not always easy, but the more flexible you are with it, the easier it gets. And if you want a better example of releasing rigidity, travel is probably the catch all for everyone.

Catherine Collins [00:16:12]:

It's when you.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:13]:

It's, you know, take your kids to Disney World, and you're going to release all the rigidity things that you have. And if you do anything, like. I mean, we've talked about this recently, too, I think on another podcast. But, like, in traveling, sometimes you don't end up where you're planning to go. Sometimes, yeah, you sleep on a bench because that's the only way it's working out for you that night. If you have the mental flexibility to be looking at things differently with curiosity and positive expectation and all these other good qualities that you want to have, life is easier when you get to that point and you think everybody else is wrong. And I hate the world, and I hate the airline, and I hate this and I hate, hate, hate. You're getting more and more rigid because you are giving away your power to everyone else without kind of bringing it back and going, okay, so camping experiment in the Toronto airport tonight.

Andrew Dewar [00:17:11]:

Let's see how this pans out.

Catherine Collins [00:17:12]:

You know, you're so dramatized by that.

Andrew Dewar [00:17:15]:

It really was a neat experience. For the record, don't want to repeat it, but it was neat.

Catherine Collins [00:17:20]:

Yeah. I think what we're getting at here, if I may, basically, the point of the whole podcast. This is a personal growth podcast. Five year you is a personal development company. Our goal is to help show people how to become their best selves. Our belief is that when you are your authentic self, you are happiest. And so if you find yourself dissatisfied, if you find yourself thinking like, you know your ways the right way all the time and things like that, and it's bringing you a lot of unhappiness, now is the time to sort of examine these beliefs that you have. Now is the time to maybe examine some of the things you want to improve about yourself.

Catherine Collins [00:18:04]:

Like I. Let's say I want to be more outgoing. I want to speak up at work was one of the examples. I want to laugh more. I want to be better about keeping in touch with my friends or whatever it is. Now is the time to say, what areas would I like to grow in and what can I do as a good first step to start that growth? And we bring up this topic, and we are not speaking at this from higher ground. We can both be very rigid about things, and this is coming from a place of us realizing, oh, like, when we are more flexible, when we leave room for the surprises in life, really cool things happen. These are some of the things that we love to help people with.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:59]:

As we're talking about this, let's get a little more personal. What's something that you look at for yourself? You're like, you know what? I'm really rigid with this, and I'd like to just give it a little more flexibility. Does anything come to mind that you're like, this is something I would like to let go of or adopt a new way?

Catherine Collins [00:19:14]:

I mean, I just don't think we have enough time to list all the things, you know, just one.

Andrew Dewar [00:19:19]:

Just one.

Catherine Collins [00:19:20]:

I mean, I think I can be very rigid with my work. I kind of beat myself up for not going faster. So as my main full time gig, I'm a financial writer, and I can get very obsessive about how it is how it looks. And I could save myself hours by just being a little bit more flexible. And I think my things can be, like, very high quality without being, like, the most extreme form of, like, cross t's and dotted eyes. I realize that's what makes me good, but I think it would bring a little bit more happiness to me to realize that's why we have editors on the other end of everything. I write things like that, but I hold myself to this high standard, and I will, like, torture myself over it. I will stay up super late.

Catherine Collins [00:20:09]:

I will ruin the next day over things like that. I think I just need a better balance with it.

Andrew Dewar [00:20:17]:

I like that. I like the idea of bringing more fluidity to your work, for sure. And I've told you this before, but, yeah, your meticulousness is one of the things that makes you an amazing writer. And part of it is just, you know, you don't have to go completely the other way, but just releasing certain things if you feel it's going to serve you, if you're like, you know what? I embrace this because this is who I am and how I am, and this is what makes me stand out there is that aspect of it. So I'm just kind of saying that for you to understand that just because it's rigid doesn't make it wrong.

Catherine Collins [00:20:55]:

Yeah, no, I know that. I think that there are other aspects of my life. Like, I need a little bit more balance, even. I'm stopping myself from earning more, too, because the things I do take up a lot of time. So I do think there's a way for me to be more streamlined or something like that. I don't know. Did you have a different example in mind when you were thinking, do you have any for you? Yeah.

Andrew Dewar [00:21:19]:

No, I was just asking you because I think it's very worthwhile for us to be put on the spot as we do with stuff like this. So that the first thing that comes out is usually that thing that you're going, yeah, that's the thing that I probably should work on.

Catherine Collins [00:21:32]:

I think that's definitely something I've been working on for a while. Part of it is who I am. Part of it is how I was raised. My mom tells one of her favorite Catherine stories is me getting in the car in elementary school and bursting into tears and could barely, like, get me to say why I was crying. And it was because I got a 90 on a religion test, which, like, didn't even, like, count for anything. You know, it was like, you know, some what they would call, like, a specials today, you know, it's like, right. Anyways, you know, and she was like, but that's a 90. And I'm, like, sobbing, you know, and I think that's just kind of like me in a nutshell.

Catherine Collins [00:22:10]:

And it's been very hard to grow out of that mindset and try to get a little bit more, you know, just have a slightly more chill, as the kids say. As the cool kids say.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:23]:

That's. That's a good attitude to want to embrace. And again, that is a perfect example of being more flexible in your thinking. And we can totally get into, you know, the perfection thing in a different episode, too, because there is a lot there with, I think society has done something over the years, so many things, so many things about the perfectionist paradigm, and I just needed a good alliteration there. So I don't even know if that really fit. Sometimes the words just come out of my mouth and I go, yeah, so I don't need to worry about being rigid with my talking. Maybe I should be a little more rigid. For me, the thing I need to get a lot better with is my patience.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:07]:

I don't mean with other people. I mean with me.

Catherine Collins [00:23:10]:

Yeah, because you are exceedingly patient.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:12]:

Yeah, with other people, I mean, oh, if I could give myself the patience I give everyone else, I'd be fine. But with me, it's never enough. I'm never as far ahead as I want to be. And that's part of growth, too. Right? You have the vision of where you want to be five years from now, and you're like, oh, I want to be there now. And, you know, you forget about all the steps you got to do to get there. One of the expressions that was given to me very recently is that patience is the fastest way to get what you want. And I am trying to embrace that.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:42]:

I'm trying to just conceptualize that in my head because I'm just trying to hold that sentence, just trying to hold it and let it be. But I really am looking at it and going like, it's hard. It's hard to not try to make things happen and to sit back and go, it's enough. You know, I, you know, you kind of. The note went in the bottle and went out to see. I just have to wait for it to come back, whatever that issue might be, rather than, you know, swim alongside the bottle the whole way to make sure it gets where it's supposed to go. And people read it the way it's supposed to be read, and then that they put it back in. Like, it's just kind of being able to go, no.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:24]:

Okay, that's. It's good enough. Now I'm just going to wait and see what happens. So it's definitely something I think we all struggle with. We all have mental constructs that may not serve us, but we're so used to them that they. You know, the. It's not really like a nice, warm blanket. It's like a weighted blanket that might be just a tiny, too heavy sewage.

Catherine Collins [00:24:44]:

Yeah.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:45]:

Yeah. So that's. It's a journey, but I'm happy to share it with us, with our listeners.

Catherine Collins [00:24:51]:

I like that, being flexible. Another way to say it is to give yourself grace, to give others grace, to continue to be open minded with yourself, with other people, with the people you love. And I think the more flexible you are, the more grace you can give to yourself and others, the happier you'll be, the more expectations you can release. And that is something all of us can benefit from.

Andrew Dewar [00:25:16]:

Amen. Amen. Well, I think that's a good point to lead into the glimmers, if you're new to the show. Glimmers are that little thing that are delighting us in this present moment. So, Catherine, what is your glimmer this week?

Catherine Collins [00:25:33]:

Well, actually, you and I started listening to a book together last week, and it is the in between. And I waited for this book for, like, months and months and months from the library, and I'm really glad that I did. It's New York Times bestseller, and it is written by hospice nurse, and she describes many different patient experiences that she had as they transitioned. And it's a really beautiful book. We're only a couple chapters in so far, but it's gotten just rave reviews, and I'm really enjoying it.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:04]:

It's so good.

Catherine Collins [00:26:05]:

How about you?

Andrew Dewar [00:26:06]:

Well, you know, you've introduced me to thrifting, which I am, which I was very, very adept at in my younger years. And it's such a silly thing in one way, but I always wanted a ball chair. Like, you know, like a yoga giant ball that sits on a chair for your core and stuff. I could never justify spending the $200 that it is on Amazon because I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to use it. Well, I took myself out thrifting yesterday, and I found one for $30, and I am quite happy with my find. So thank you for reintroducing me to this beautiful world of thrifting.

Catherine Collins [00:26:40]:

You are so welcome. Highly recommend to others. Good for your wallet. Good for the planet. Nothing beats a good find.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:47]:

Absolutely. All right, well, thank you very much, everyone, and we will see you next time. Take care.

Catherine Collins [00:26:54]:

Bye.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:56]:

Hey, one last thing. Don't forget to go to fiveyouryou.com future to start getting those emails from your future self. It will change your life.

Catherine Collins [00:27:07]:

Hey, guys, quick disclaimer. We're podcasters on the Internet. If you need to seek professional help, please go see your healthcare professional.