Episode Overview:

In this episode of 5 Year You, Andrew and Catherine explore the challenges of finding calm amidst the chaos of daily life. From the stresses of parenting and work to personal struggles with overachievement, they discuss how difficult it can be to slow down and prioritize peace. Both hosts share personal stories of burnout, anxiety, and the need for self-soothing techniques. Whether it’s through mindfulness, breathing exercises, or simply removing yourself from a stressful situation, this episode is packed with actionable steps for anyone looking to cultivate calm in their life.

 

 

Key Topics Covered:

  • Identifying Escalating Stress: Catherine shares how she uses a number system to communicate her stress levels and how she actively removes herself from escalating situations to prevent emotional overload.
  • Andrew’s Inner Dialogue: Andrew discusses how his inner voice often drives feelings of stress and how he’s learning to separate that voice from his true self through mindfulness practices.
  • Creating a Calm Home Environment: Catherine talks about intentionally building a calm atmosphere in her household as a single parent and how that affects her well-being and her children’s.
  • Dealing with High Expectations: Both hosts reflect on the pressures of being high achievers and how that drive can lead to burnout and illness if not managed properly.
  • The Importance of Daily Calm Practices: The episode highlights how small, consistent habits like walking, meditating, or breathing exercises can make a significant difference in reducing stress over time.

Actionable Steps for Listeners:

 

  1. Practice Breathing Exercises: Take three deep breaths and visualize moving from your head (where the stress lives) to your heart (where calm resides).
  2. Create Calm Rituals: Whether it’s a daily walk, a quiet moment with tea, or yoga, find a small activity that brings you peace and integrate it into your routine.
  3. Set Boundaries for Stress: Use tools like Catherine’s stress number system to communicate when you need space and to prevent overwhelming situations from escalating.
  4. Reflect on Your Environment: Notice if your home or workplace is conducive to calm, and make intentional changes that foster peace, such as decluttering or lowering noise levels.

Quotes:

“Your calm is in your heart. It’s always there, waiting for you to return to it.” – Andrew Dewar

 

“You can choose to step away from stress, but it’s a practice. It’s not going to happen overnight.” – Catherine Collins

 

Glimmers of the Week:

  • Catherine: She’s excited about using a new app called Opal, which helps block distractions on her phone, reducing screen time and giving her back precious time in her day.
  • Andrew: Enjoyed a peaceful solo movie experience where he had the entire theater to himself, turning what could have felt awkward into a calming and enjoyable moment.

Resources Mentioned:

  • Opal App – A phone app that blocks distractions to help you focus and reclaim time.
  • Feeling Wheel – A tool to identify and label your emotions, which can help with emotional regulation.

Connect with Us:

 

Disclaimer:

This podcast is for informational purposes only and does not substitute professional advice. Please consult a healthcare provider for any medical or emotional concerns.

Thank you for listening! Don’t forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs more calm in their life. See you next time!

Transcript
Speaker:

We

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You know those days where you're...

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Okay.

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Okay.

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Let's.

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no!

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There was...

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Are we on a delay?

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Wow, I am so glad that that was recorded.

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I will be making something of that.

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Yes, you will.

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Onwards.

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Onwards and upwards to f-

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You know how sometimes everyone in the world just ticks you off and you just can't seem to

let it go?

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Today's episode is all about finding your calm and it is a really important episode that

we are just in the midst of doing in this moment.

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Kat, how are you doing?

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I'm good.

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I am finding my calm, Andrew.

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What about you?

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I am better than I was probably an hour ago when we sat down to do all this stuff.

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It was definitely a stressful morning to say the least lots of things happening and

running around and I called you to kind of get going with stuff and I found that you were

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also in a less than calm state and that kind of frenetic energy, big word I know, came

together.

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And it was just like, was, it was, it was bad.

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Like it was not a good feeling state.

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mean, I shouldn't label feelings good or bad, but it was a place where I don't think

either one of us wanted to be.

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And we needed to find our calm.

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So can you talk a little bit about like when that's happening to you?

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When, like when you're not calm, like when you're kind of, let's use the word escalating

internally.

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What is.

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What are the feelings that you have when that happens?

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Yeah, I mean, I've gotten really good at identifying when feelings are escalating and I've

talked about this on the podcast before.

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but as some of you might know, unless you're just tuning in, I am a solo parent to my

beautiful twins.

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And so things are busy, right?

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Like I'm doing a lot of things, on my own and I've gotten really good at.

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telling the kids, and I use a number system, when I am feeling escalating stress.

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And I will tell them, I'm at an eight, mom's at a nine, okay, mom's gonna go, I'm gonna go

sit in my room for 30 minutes.

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And so the feeling for me is overwhelm.

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The lack of calm is just overwhelmed.

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And we know a lot of parents can relate.

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but sometimes it just feels like there's just so much to do and not enough time.

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On top of that, I am highly sensitive.

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And with that comes a lot of sensory sensitivity.

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So like a five-year-old kid, like my socks can feel wrong.

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I'm very sound sensitive.

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And so on top of everything, as things are escalating, I'll notice like the house is a

mess.

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So there's like so much laundry to do.

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And then I kind of like spiral, right?

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And so the lack of calm or the escalating sense of not calm, it really compounds.

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And unless I take myself out of the situation,

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I try not to yell or not to create bad energy in my home.

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I try to create a safe and loving space for the twins.

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But in order to do that, in order to make sure I don't get to that point of yelling or

frustration, I've got to take myself out of it.

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That makes sense.

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Thank you for sharing.

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I too am what you would call a deep feeler.

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when things start to go wrong, it's really, really hard for me to change.

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It's like being on a runaway train.

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And I'm just going and I don't know how to stop.

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So I've identified this and I'm trying to actively work on it because I don't like the way

it feels.

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And what I'm finding is that I have to acknowledge that those thoughts in my head aren't

actually true.

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And they're not even necessarily facts or anything else, but I feel like

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for my whole life, the voice in my head has been chatting and chatting and chatting, and I

identified as that voice.

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And very recently, through a lot of learning and study and meditation, I am able to see

that that voice isn't me, it's just a voice.

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And it's a voice of like past conditioning, past people, past things.

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And my challenge is to notice that voice

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and notice that I'm the noticer, not the voice.

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And so if you want to kind of think of it like this, it's like, I got this voice talking

in my ear and for my whole life I've been like, this is actually me talking.

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But the real me is the one, you know, is me here, I guess would be the best way.

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It's like, I am the one listening to this.

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Just like I can tune out a fire engine, probably shouldn't do that, or anything else.

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I...

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I have the choice.

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So to me in those like really, really tense moments and the spirals and stuff, it's

noticing that it's a voice, not a fact, and that I can choose to pick a different thought,

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to pick a different feeling.

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And the one I've been really going to is like, okay, I need to, and I used to hate when

people would say this to me, but now that I say it to myself, it's totally okay.

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But I need to settle down.

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I need to find my calm, need to find my center.

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And the one I've been playing the most with is taking three deep breaths, closing my eyes,

taking three deep breaths, and then going from my head to my heart.

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And I know if you're listening and you're going, well, what the heck does that mean?

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All it means is that that voice that I'm hearing right now isn't true.

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So I'm gonna close my eyes and then I'm just gonna visualize myself and

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I didn't get this from anywhere.

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just makes sense.

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I've visualized my inner being kind of just walking down a spiral staircase into my heart.

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And my heart is always calm.

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It doesn't have to deal with the loud thoughts from the outside or the voices or anything

like that.

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It doesn't have to deal with the shoulds or the coulds or the must-ofs or the panics.

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It just is a place of love and that place is where I find my calm.

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Kind of like how a lot of us would have found calm in maybe a parent's arms or

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how we try to do that for our own kids by just being that safe space.

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I am doing that to myself in those moments.

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So three deep breaths and go from your head to your heart and just kind of be there for a

few moments and go, I got caught again.

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I was listening to that idiot talking to me and you know, and moving on.

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But it's just bringing awareness to it.

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Yeah, and speaking of awareness, if we were to go even deeper on this, I encourage you

listeners to think about the environments that you grew up in, the environments that you

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maybe married into or that you choose for yourself today.

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And what you might notice is that

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You know, your body gets used to a certain pace, a certain energy.

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And I can say like for myself, like my, my parents are very intense, high achievers and

they created three very intense, achieving kids.

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And, you know, there was a lot of activity, a lot of busyness, a lot of pressure that I

put on myself to try to.

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reach my maximum potential and make them proud and all of these things.

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And then I married another, you know, very intense, very high achiever.

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And I was with my ex-husband through medical school and residency.

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And if you've ever known anybody to go through those things, it's a very intense

lifestyle, very high stress.

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And

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Once I got divorced, I realized that I was sort of seeking out like different stressful

things because I was so used to being in a period of like high stress all the time.

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I was really pushing myself really hard to do these different things and like to get back

to work and to grow the business really fast and all these things.

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And like, I made myself sick from it.

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You know, like I developed like

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autoimmune disorders and all these things.

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My body was not enjoying the fast pace that I've had literally my entire life.

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And I'm not speaking unkindly about my parents or my ex.

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What I'm saying is that for me personally, the pace I was going, everything I was trying

to do, everything I was trying to succeed is very common in North America.

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We don't rest.

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We don't stop.

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go, go, go.

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We can't even like sit and watch a Netflix show without feeling guilty because our culture

is surrounding, is based on achievement and success and what kind of job you have and how

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much money you make.

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And I had to step out of the race or else I was going to get more sick, more stressed.

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And so for me,

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Choosing calm has to be like an active, purposeful thing because I am so unused to calm.

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I have purposefully tried to create a calm home for my kids.

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I have tried very intentionally to create calm mornings, calm nighttime routines.

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When they have a lot of activities, I try to just kind of...

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Bring them to things, but I don't try to go into like, kind of pace and get all your stuff

together.

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Like I try to give everybody enough time.

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I just try to be the calm in the house because I, as the parent, as the solo parent in

this home set the tone.

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And if anyone listening relates to anything, I just say, I just want to let you know that

you can choose something else, but it's good to have self-awareness and notice.

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Sometimes your subconscious just like chooses what it's used to and what it's familiar

with and the way that it's always been.

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But you can create a new pathway.

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You can create a new environment that isn't like your past environments at all.

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Thank you for being so open with that.

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When you are adopting this calm lifestyle or this calm way of being, do you find that you

have, I'm gonna use the term flare ups, meaning like you kind of revert back to the way

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you were previously accustomed to.

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And when you do, because I'm assuming you do, how do you...

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What do you notice?

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Like, you walk us through that process a little bit?

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Yeah, I mean, of course.

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And we often, we've talked about neural pathways before, but all the paths and all the

emotions and your whole, the life that you're used to is like a very deep trench.

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If you think of like, you know, like an old carriage going down, big old wheels going down

a very deep trench, right?

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So like for years, I was one way and for two years I've tried to be another way.

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So when I'm trying to like haul this big old carriage, which is big old wheels down a

different way, there's resistance all the time.

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It's not used to going that way.

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It's used to being like, well, no, well, what did you do?

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And how many articles did you write?

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And how many, how much media did you pitch?

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And like, you know, like so many different things.

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I'm like, did you get a raise?

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And did you do that?

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You're always succeeding, always pushing, always doing these things.

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And,

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course I fall into those old ways.

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Of course I get like stressed.

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And of course like I am, my body almost thinks that like something's wrong.

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Something's weird and something is off if things are not in a frenzied pace.

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And so what I have to do, especially if I like get stressed or yell or have like some sort

of like really frustrated moment.

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I have to tell myself that's like, you have to choose calm.

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This, and I try to have compassion for myself.

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Like it makes sense that you're beating yourself up over this, or it makes sense that you

like lashed out at this thing because you're used to being in this like high stress panic

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mode.

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And I try to tell myself that made you sick and you're okay.

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You're still a good person if you, you know.

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don't hit these major salary milestones or you, you know, don't have a million listeners

to the podcast.

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Like you're, you're a good person just because you exist.

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You don't have to go back to these old ways.

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but it's a process.

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mean, this is, even knowing to be aware of the fact that the trenches exist is multiple

years of therapy condensed into like a couple minutes on this podcast explaining it.

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so what I encourage people to do if they've never thought about it, if they've never

thought why they are the way that they are, that sometimes just having an understanding of

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how things have been and the environments you've been in impact you.

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And, you know, it benefits in a lot of ways.

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have two very high achieving siblings that are like superstars, right?

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And,

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You know, there's a lot of benefits that come with that in our society.

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but for me, I'm just constantly every day trying to be like, you're fine.

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You're doing good.

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You're doing your work.

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Everything's growing at the pace it's supposed to.

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You don't have to be on the news today to like prove that you have value to this world.

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but yeah, I don't know if that answers your question, but yeah, of course I revert back.

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I, I, I, I, and I try to tell myself you had 35 years one way, two years this other way.

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It's going to take time.

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it is.

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And I have noticed a shift in you really since your divorce about how you approach things

and how you are way kinder to yourself than you've ever been.

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So I think it'd be a useful thing for you in this moment to just kind of look back and

give yourself some grace and some applause for how far you've come over a few years,

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because it is a lot.

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And it...

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You're welcome.

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And I think sometimes we all can use those external people validating us, we know it's got

to come from the inside and all that stuff, but you come a long way and it is noticed and

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you seem happier because of it.

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I'm like getting emotional as you're saying it.

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And like I said, you know, I don't want to say a different.

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Yeah, I just want to emphasize that I'm not saying it's it's a bad thing.

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I'm just saying it's it's something I.

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Sorry, we're having a we're having technical issues and a delay, so I'm just going to

start over with what I was saying.

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What I was saying is, you know, I'm not saying that it having a busy pace or frenzied pace

or high achieving pace, I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

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I'm just saying that I noticed that it was giving me a lot of stress and causing me to get

sick.

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And so, you know, I'm really glad my kids get to benefit from both because when they're

with their dad,

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He has the energy to take him to a million different activities and all these fun things

and take him to the city and do all this stuff.

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like, he can go, go, go, go, go.

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And when we're with me, we're just like, kind of chill and like take a little walk to

library.

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We'll do a couple of things.

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If I do an activity with them, it's like a massive, like, we're going to do this one

thing.

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I'm going to go into Chicago.

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We're going to go to this one museum and you know, we're going to leave.

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But I feel like they kind of get the benefits of both.

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ways of life and they'll have to choose for themselves what feels best to them and maybe

it'll be a mixture of both or one or the other.

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so again, I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing.

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It's just for me, I had to choose a more calm life for my own health insanity and mental

health.

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you've got to do what's right for you.

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And that's an important thing.

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yeah, it's been a pleasure getting to see you evolve the way you have.

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And I think the brighter days just become more more plentiful the more you walk down this

path.

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So for me,

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When it comes to finding calm, I actually went for a brain scan last week and my

parasympathetic, like on a scale, think it was like one to eight, one and a half being

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like the kind of boundary that you want to be in.

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You don't want to be higher than that.

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My parasympathetic nervous system was like at a 7.8.

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So I am constantly...

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reading every environment for threats.

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Like it's, it's almost like I'm in a war zone.

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And the good news is I know this and I'm, and I'm taking those steps to, get better with

that.

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But what I recognize and the great thing with, with something like this is knowing that

it's actually, it's a me thing.

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It's not, there's, there's power that comes from knowing that it's an internal job.

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where you can acknowledge things and go, okay, so I think every little rustle in the tree

is a bear or a baboon or a tiger.

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And a couple of those things aren't in North America.

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So I really, you I should be able to narrow those down, but I am able to see that it's

actually in my head.

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Like it literally is my head and my head can be fixed.

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I'm trying this new technique.

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I'm really excited about it.

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I've already seen good improvements on it.

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And once I'm done, I can speak more to it.

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But it's being able to acknowledge that the external pressures happen.

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They'll never stop.

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But there's a lot of things that happen in our lives that we filter out.

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one of the things is that, I just finished the book, How to Icky Guy, which is about

finding your life purpose.

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But the thing that he talks about is like, there's a lot of things that you filter out as

you go through your day, like the lines on a highway.

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You you don't look at every line on the highway and go, that one's badly painted, that

one's a little off, that one's this.

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And you don't, definitely don't think about it for hours later on.

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And you don't think about every blade of grass you pass or every tree or anything else,

but certain things you hold onto and that's your choice.

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And when you can see that it's your choice,

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you're able to bring awareness to it and you're able to let it go in a matter that is

appropriate for you.

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So for me, finding calm is being able to identify when I'm not calm, which is a lot of the

time.

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And to have someone like you Kat or parents, kids, whatever, to kind of go, we're worked

up right now and it's not a time to be worked out.

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We're not in a horror movie, we're not in an action sequence, but I've lived my life

feeling like that bomb was rolling off the table and I'm slow motion diving for it, trying

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to catch it.

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And that is really cool for the pinnacle of a movie.

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It really sucks when it's your morning, noon, and night.

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And the great thing about it though is that I can look at this and go, okay, it really is

as simple as coming back to me, kind of letting all the outer things go and...

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taking a few deep breaths and coming back to my heart and knowing that it's actually okay.

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It's just a story I'm making up and I can work on making those new stories.

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Yes, the ruts are deep.

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Yes, they are.

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They're so, they're so friggin' deep.

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But it makes a better story and I can use that in my own head and go, look.

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you're gonna overcome this and you're gonna be able to help other people overcome this

through five year youth or coaching, through all the things that we do.

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And it helps because I'm crafting a different story around these things, around the

agitation and everything else.

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So if you are in a moment right now and you're listening to this and you're like, okay, so

what do I need to do?

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First of all, we always say awareness is that first step, just.

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Bring awareness to the fact that you are not feeling the way you want to feel right now

that you you let the you let the stress monkey out of the cage and it's just running

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around, you know, I don't know what monkeys do.

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I was going to say still bananas, but I really don't know.

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and and go, okay.

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I'm not, I'm not in control of things.

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I've, I've given my control away.

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I choose to take control back.

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Yeah.

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I'm go for a walk.

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Walking's really good, by the way.

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Like it is one of things, a 20 minute walk will change your physiology, change your

mindset, change your breathing, change your heart rate.

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It does so much and it's walking.

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So it's nice.

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And.

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You have to do something guys.

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And I know Andrew's actively been meditating for years as like a daily practice.

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Like Andrew said, walking, yoga, but the amount of stress in your life, which is very

common for all people in North America, the stress will catch up with you.

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It will make you sick.

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You'll have to have something to bring your baseline down every day.

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because all the things that we all have going on, all the stresses, it will add up.

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it's one yoga class is not gonna fix it, but like a daily practice of self-awareness and

noticing when your calm is disrupted and noticing how you react to it and learning those

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self-soothing techniques, which none of us were taught in school.

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Although amazingly, they do teach children that now, as I've seen with my twins.

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Learning ways to self soothe, learning ways to bring yourself sort of back to your heart

center each day can go a very, very long way in helping you cope with the busyness and the

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fast pace of this world that we live in.

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Absolutely.

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I don't really have anything more to add to that.

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think it's just, I think you said it very perfectly just there.

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That's the takeaway is to have awareness for sure.

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It's always our takeaway.

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it is, but it's awareness and then taking a step.

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It's taking that action.

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And I think, you know, it goes awareness, action.

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And the action doesn't have to be, I'm going to go for a run.

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It can just even be, I'm going to remove myself from this situation.

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I'm going to run a bath.

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Something you and I both started doing is taking calm, which is magnesium for bed so we

get better sleep because

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The better rested you are, the easier it is to handle things.

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And you and I can both attest to the fact that when we don't sleep well, we are not our

optimal selves the next day.

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And then all the little things are bitter.

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Absolutely.

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sleep in this episode, but sleep has been a major thing I've worked on the last two years

and a major identifier of good mental health for me personally.

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yeah, whatever you can do to care for yourself.

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If you're listening to this, you likely are caring for others and you're likely

responsible for a lot of different things.

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and you deserve to give yourself the same care that you extend to others.

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I completely agree.

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But sleep is a really big one.

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We'll have to do another episode on that, because it's...

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Take a nap.

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Naps are amazing.

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I think it's a good place to tie it up here, Kat.

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So what is your glimmer this week?

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Well, I've been using a new app and it's called Opal.

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And I used it because I was on my phone too much, like so many people, and I wanted to

kind of block myself from it.

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you know, had outsmarted the Apple blockers on my social media and stuff and just been

like, sorry, just give me some more time.

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So, but I like Opal so far.

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I've only been using it about two weeks, but

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I like it because I blocked all the things that distract me, which is like social media

and other things like that.

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Amazon, things like that.

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And, you can get like, give yourself like five minute breaks from it.

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And so I can kind of see if we have any messages on Instagram.

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You can follow us at five year you want Instagram by the way.

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And, and then I kind of get back to work.

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and I like it because it tells me it's like you've saved 11 years.

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of your life since using, like they're projecting that I'm gonna get 11 years of my life

back based on like, they scan your screen time before you use it and like your habits

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after using it.

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So, so far I've gotten 11 years of my life back, not looking at my phone.

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I don't know how they calculate it, but that's what they said and it's good marketing.

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That's how I like it so far.

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I like that.

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I think that's huge.

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I think that would definitely help most people go like, wow, because yeah, that's a lot of

time wasted scrolling, doom scrolling or whatever.

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for the year, but that's worth 11 years of my life, I think.

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So, so far so good.

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Yeah, buck a year is pretty good for your life, I think.

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You put into that term, it's like, yeah, that's that's worth the worth the price.

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You know, I had this weird moment where I I'm like, you know, I really want to see the

this new cartoon.

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It was the Transformers movie.

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I went and saw the original Transformer cartoon was like one of my first movies I went to.

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So I thought to myself it was.

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Sunday afternoon and I'm like, you know, I'm gonna go to this movie.

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And I got there and I was the only one in the theater.

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And at first I felt very pathetic, because that was just that loud voice in my head.

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But then I'm like, this is amazing.

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I have a movie theater to myself.

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What am I?

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What am I some sort of rich guy's name that I can't think of right now?

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Like this was really cool.

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So I liked that I was able to kind of reframe the fact.

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that, you know, it was pretty cool.

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I don't know if I'll ever get to have that again, but I love going to movies and I really

am.

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That's one of the places where I find my calm, because the story just takes me out of

myself and I love it.

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And the movie was a seven, but you know, yeah, it was good.

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I was happy I got to do that.

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So that's my Glimmer for the week.

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Thank you.

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I appreciate that.

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All right, everyone, we will see you next time.

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See you next time, bye.