Andrew and Catherine dive into the world of coping skills, exploring what they are, how to use them, and why they are important for personal growth and wellbeing.

Drawing from personal experiences and insights, they discuss the significance of learning to self-soothe and the impact of different coping mechanisms on our mental health. Listeners are encouraged to explore new coping skills, reflect on their current approaches, and take steps toward becoming the best version of themselves.

Stay tuned for valuable tips and strategies to enhance your coping skills and embark on a journey towards a more fulfilling life.



Andrew Dewar [00:00:00]:

Have you ever had a bad day and just not been able to let it

Andrew Dewar [00:00:02]:

go? This episode is just for you. It's all about coping

Andrew Dewar [00:00:06]:

skills, what they are and how to use them. Let's dive in.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:10]:

Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to

Andrew Dewar [00:00:14]:

helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm

Andrew Dewar [00:00:17]:


Catherine Collins [00:00:18]:

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw,

Catherine Collins [00:00:21]:

real, and relatable.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:24]:

Are you ready to grow? So our intention for you today is

Andrew Dewar [00:00:27]:

that you learn about coping skills, what they are, and

Andrew Dewar [00:00:31]:

how you can start incorporating some into your life. And if you've never

Andrew Dewar [00:00:35]:

explored coping skills, you're not alone. Most of us don't learn

Andrew Dewar [00:00:38]:

about this stuff. Cat, you were the one who introduced me

Andrew Dewar [00:00:42]:

to coping skills a long time ago. What's been your

Andrew Dewar [00:00:46]:

experience with this? Like, how did you come across it?

Catherine Collins [00:00:49]:

Yeah, so, like all good podcast episodes,

Catherine Collins [00:00:52]:

I like to start off by saying I learned this in therapy,

Catherine Collins [00:00:56]:

but it's crazy. One of my very first therapy

Catherine Collins [00:01:00]:

sessions with the therapist I got when I moved here to

Catherine Collins [00:01:04]:

Michigan, where I currently live, I remember going to

Catherine Collins [00:01:07]:

her and talking to her and just sort of, you know, getting the basics

Catherine Collins [00:01:11]:

down. In that first session, she told me that I

Catherine Collins [00:01:15]:

needed to learn how to self soothe

Catherine Collins [00:01:18]:

and always had anxiety.

Catherine Collins [00:01:22]:

And I have all these different ways that I cope

Catherine Collins [00:01:26]:

with it and get through day to day life. But until

Catherine Collins [00:01:30]:

she pointed out that I actually did

Catherine Collins [00:01:33]:

not know how to self soothe, I didn't realize it was a

Catherine Collins [00:01:37]:

skill that you could actually learn. And

Catherine Collins [00:01:41]:

this comes from, like, childhood, right? It comes from,

Catherine Collins [00:01:45]:

you know, your parents soothe you, your parents, you

Catherine Collins [00:01:49]:

know, try to make sure you're okay as

Catherine Collins [00:01:52]:

you grow up, as you mature, as you move out the house,

Catherine Collins [00:01:56]:

you have to become that for yourself. But so many of us aren't really

Catherine Collins [00:02:00]:

taught that specifically. We have no idea how to

Catherine Collins [00:02:04]:

calm ourselves down when we need it.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:06]:

Okay, a couple of things come to mind. First of all, thank you for being

Andrew Dewar [00:02:09]:

so open with that. I know it's always, these things can be

Andrew Dewar [00:02:13]:

triggering when you start having to go back to, like, earlier therapy sessions. And it's

Andrew Dewar [00:02:16]:

like you're always, like, kind of like gently pulling the ribbon off, going, is this

Andrew Dewar [00:02:20]:

just gonna stay close? We've handled this, so thank you for

Andrew Dewar [00:02:24]:


Catherine Collins [00:02:25]:


Andrew Dewar [00:02:25]:

When you say self soothe, part of it's my

Andrew Dewar [00:02:29]:

terribly bad dad joke brain, but the other part of it kind of comes in

Andrew Dewar [00:02:33]:

mind is like, putting a soother in your mouth and like, yeah, and you were

Andrew Dewar [00:02:36]:

saying that that's what our parents do and whatnot. And the thing that kind of.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:40]:

And it's wrong for me to have this connection because I do have several

Andrew Dewar [00:02:43]:

coping skills, but it's just like putting that soother in your mouth.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:47]:

It feels like a babyish thing almost. And I know it's

Andrew Dewar [00:02:51]:

not, but I was surprised that that just kind of popped up for me as

Andrew Dewar [00:02:54]:

we started talking about it. It's like, it's not for babies, it's not

Andrew Dewar [00:02:58]:

a childish thing. I think it's just somewhere along the line we kind of

Andrew Dewar [00:03:01]:

lose that.

Catherine Collins [00:03:02]:

I think it's like so many things. And the

Catherine Collins [00:03:06]:

more that we do this work, the more that we try to

Catherine Collins [00:03:10]:

become our best selves in five years, which is the point of five year,

Catherine Collins [00:03:14]:

you. The more we realize that the things that

Catherine Collins [00:03:18]:

children need are all of our innate needs as a human

Catherine Collins [00:03:21]:

being. Children just know how to ask for it, they know how

Catherine Collins [00:03:25]:

to cry for it, they know how to demand attention, they know how to

Catherine Collins [00:03:29]:

come up and squeeze you and all these different things as

Catherine Collins [00:03:32]:

adults, we still need the things that we needed as

Catherine Collins [00:03:36]:

children. We need love, we need connection, we need

Catherine Collins [00:03:39]:

nourishment in order to have a fulfilling life. And

Catherine Collins [00:03:43]:

as we get older, most people kind of

Catherine Collins [00:03:47]:

go through these phases of soothing themselves.

Catherine Collins [00:03:51]:

And if soothing to the people listening does sound a little

Catherine Collins [00:03:55]:

childish, that's why we're calling this coping skills.

Catherine Collins [00:03:59]:

You have coping skills that you don't realize that you have,

Catherine Collins [00:04:02]:

right? Yeah. There are people listening that are already coming

Catherine Collins [00:04:06]:

home from work, watching tv and cracking a beer.

Catherine Collins [00:04:10]:

And we're not saying there's anything specifically wrong with that. What we're

Catherine Collins [00:04:13]:

saying is if you're listening to this, wanting to improve your life and you

Catherine Collins [00:04:17]:

still feel like you aren't getting better, like you still feel

Catherine Collins [00:04:21]:

anxious, like you still feel depressed, then maybe your default coping skills

Catherine Collins [00:04:25]:

could use an upgrade.

Andrew Dewar [00:04:27]:

I think that's a really good point. I think sometimes our default

Andrew Dewar [00:04:30]:

coping skill, and this probably goes back to a lot of, I've been

Andrew Dewar [00:04:34]:

talking to a lot of people, and especially you, about like childhood and how that

Andrew Dewar [00:04:38]:

forms things, but I think part of our coping skills is to

Andrew Dewar [00:04:42]:

avoid them. Like, avoidance is like this huge coping skill.

Andrew Dewar [00:04:45]:

It's not really a coping skill in my mindset, but it's, I

Andrew Dewar [00:04:49]:

think, one that most of us have. You have a rough day at work, you

Andrew Dewar [00:04:52]:

come home, you crack a beer, you watch sports or whatever,

Andrew Dewar [00:04:56]:

all that does is like it just kind of phases you out and you stop

Andrew Dewar [00:04:59]:

having to deal with the reality that you're living in. But the problem with

Andrew Dewar [00:05:02]:

that, in that instance where you aren't dealing with it, you

Andrew Dewar [00:05:06]:

get stuck in a groundhog day. Groundhog Day was a movie, Catherine, just so you

Andrew Dewar [00:05:09]:

know, over and over again. And when

Andrew Dewar [00:05:13]:

that happens and you're repeating it, so

Andrew Dewar [00:05:17]:

then the next time you have a bad day. Cause, like, let's face it, dates

Andrew Dewar [00:05:20]:

are hard. You know, it's hard to human, as we like to say it

Andrew Dewar [00:05:24]:

is. So you get home again and you

Andrew Dewar [00:05:28]:

sit down, you know, you turn on the game or a movie or Netflix or

Andrew Dewar [00:05:31]:

video games, crack a beer, and do you do the

Andrew Dewar [00:05:35]:

same thing? And again, you've avoided it. Well, if you do that for

Andrew Dewar [00:05:39]:

a few weeks, that just starts to become your way of

Andrew Dewar [00:05:42]:

coping. But the thing that's not happening is you're not actually. You're not actually

Andrew Dewar [00:05:46]:

managing it. You're just. Yeah, you're just stuffing it more in

Andrew Dewar [00:05:50]:

inside of you, and it's not handling it. Which coping

Andrew Dewar [00:05:53]:

skills have you tried that have worked for you and some that haven't? Because it's

Andrew Dewar [00:05:57]:

not like there's a one coping skill fits all thing for

Andrew Dewar [00:06:01]:


Catherine Collins [00:06:01]:

One of the best coping skills that I have is talking to

Catherine Collins [00:06:05]:

people in human connection. I have a tendency.

Catherine Collins [00:06:09]:

I'm hyper independent, almost to a

Catherine Collins [00:06:12]:

fault, where I feel like I can read anything

Catherine Collins [00:06:16]:

and figure it out. I can watch anything and figure it out. If there's something.

Catherine Collins [00:06:20]:

There's a tough problem I'm dealing with. I'm sure there's a book on it. When

Catherine Collins [00:06:23]:

things get hard, I can tend to turn inwards. So

Catherine Collins [00:06:27]:

one of the ways that I cope and one of the ways that

Catherine Collins [00:06:31]:

my therapist recommended to me is to tell

Catherine Collins [00:06:34]:

somebody what you're going through, because I'm

Catherine Collins [00:06:37]:

definitely someone that's like, I'm fine. Everything's great. If

Catherine Collins [00:06:41]:

you have one or two trusted people, and you've been a trusted person for me

Catherine Collins [00:06:44]:

for many, many years, if you have a safe person,

Catherine Collins [00:06:48]:

then you're winning. And you just have to be

Catherine Collins [00:06:51]:

willing to allow someone to know that you're not

Catherine Collins [00:06:54]:

okay in order to get that support and connection.

Andrew Dewar [00:06:58]:

And that kind of ties back to our art of vulnerability episode, too,

Andrew Dewar [00:07:02]:

because it is a challenge. So thank you for sharing that. Thank

Andrew Dewar [00:07:06]:

you for letting me be your coping skills buddy.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:10]:

I'm going through target, and I'm trying to find the coping skill

Andrew Dewar [00:07:14]:

aisle, and I noticed it's kind of like a spice rack.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:18]:

So let's just do a few ideas, like

Andrew Dewar [00:07:21]:

some rapid fire things for our listeners to kind of go like, okay, that's something

Andrew Dewar [00:07:25]:

I can do. One for me again, like you, I get stuck in my

Andrew Dewar [00:07:29]:

head on this it's a beautiful hamster wheel, but it's definitely a hamster

Andrew Dewar [00:07:33]:

wheel going round around and getting nowhere. For me, talking is one of them.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:37]:

Another one for me is going for a walk outside.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:40]:

That helps a lot. It just kind of gets you out of your location, get

Andrew Dewar [00:07:44]:

some fresh air, sun on your face, all the things. What's another one for

Andrew Dewar [00:07:48]:

you or one that you've tried?

Catherine Collins [00:07:49]:

I was going to say reading, because I love to read, but that could also

Catherine Collins [00:07:53]:

be a little bit of escapism as well. As far as things

Catherine Collins [00:07:56]:

that don't work, like I'm not going to be somebody that's like, I'm just going

Catherine Collins [00:07:59]:

to cook and relaxing. Like, I'm definitely a hobbyist

Catherine Collins [00:08:03]:

failure. Like, I have a really hard time having hobbies because every

Catherine Collins [00:08:07]:

hobby I have I just want to turn into a business of some kind. So

Catherine Collins [00:08:10]:

those types of things aren't great for me because it just keeps my mind running

Catherine Collins [00:08:14]:

of like what else can I do with this? But I do this with my

Catherine Collins [00:08:17]:

kids too. My daughter especially benefits from

Catherine Collins [00:08:20]:

coping skills. Hers are drawing.

Catherine Collins [00:08:24]:

She loves to draw. She's loved art since she was a kid. She has going

Catherine Collins [00:08:28]:

in her cozy space. She has a cozy space with a bean bag in her

Catherine Collins [00:08:31]:

room that has her stuffed animals and all kinds of things that is more

Catherine Collins [00:08:34]:

beneficial than them playing a video game together. I

Catherine Collins [00:08:38]:

have boy girl twins for those who are just tuning in. They're ten

Catherine Collins [00:08:41]:

years old. And that's another reason why I brought up this

Catherine Collins [00:08:45]:

topic for the podcast, because I've been talking to them. They've had a lot of

Catherine Collins [00:08:49]:

questions about drugs and alcohol lately and the way that I. Yeah, I've

Catherine Collins [00:08:52]:

got great times. Parenting, piece of cake. I have explained

Catherine Collins [00:08:56]:

drugs and alcohol as a coping

Catherine Collins [00:09:00]:

skill that some people use in order to

Catherine Collins [00:09:03]:

stop feeling their pain and their

Catherine Collins [00:09:07]:

emotions, and that they use it to

Catherine Collins [00:09:10]:

cope. But much like you were saying with the tv, but when they

Catherine Collins [00:09:14]:

stop or they come off of, or they the next day after drugs and

Catherine Collins [00:09:18]:

alcohol, they still have the sad feelings with them. And so I've

Catherine Collins [00:09:21]:

explained to the kids that they have to choose better

Catherine Collins [00:09:25]:

coping skills. For a lot of people, that's running

Catherine Collins [00:09:29]:

meditation, yoga again, talking to a

Catherine Collins [00:09:32]:

friend, planning a trip, writing, journaling.

Catherine Collins [00:09:36]:

A lot of people, they like cooking, being creative,

Catherine Collins [00:09:40]:

painting, doing anything, that it's something

Catherine Collins [00:09:43]:

for you, something that you enjoy, something that you do

Catherine Collins [00:09:47]:

purely for the joy of it, breathing. You've taken a whole

Catherine Collins [00:09:51]:

course just on different types of breath work.

Andrew Dewar [00:09:54]:

Breath work. Oh yeah. It's amazing what you can do with that stuff.

Catherine Collins [00:09:58]:

You can really calm down anxiety with specific types of

Catherine Collins [00:10:02]:

breath. Work. Learning again. Rerouting thoughts,

Catherine Collins [00:10:05]:

thinking, stopping repetitive thoughts, choosing new

Catherine Collins [00:10:08]:

thoughts. There are countless different ways. One size does

Catherine Collins [00:10:12]:

not fit all, but like I said, even children, you can

Catherine Collins [00:10:16]:

identify this and say, I see you're getting upset,

Catherine Collins [00:10:19]:

and that's what I do with my kids. Do you need to go sit in

Catherine Collins [00:10:23]:

your chill space for a little while? Come back down when you've

Catherine Collins [00:10:26]:

chilled out in the chill space, it works if they

Catherine Collins [00:10:30]:

get mad or they start bickering with each other or something. I'm like,

Catherine Collins [00:10:34]:

does anyone need to do a coping skill right now? Do you need to go

Catherine Collins [00:10:36]:

draw you some time to yourself? Because this energy is not working

Catherine Collins [00:10:40]:

for anyone. You're disrupting my peace. So

Catherine Collins [00:10:44]:

these are words and phrases you can use as a parent as well.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:48]:

That's great. A few others that I do, singing, humming, those kind

Andrew Dewar [00:10:52]:

of soothe your nervous system. I'll go have. And this is really recent,

Andrew Dewar [00:10:56]:

but I'll go have, like, a hot shower and then a cold shower at the

Andrew Dewar [00:10:59]:

end, and that kind of resets your nervous system. And I found that to be

Andrew Dewar [00:11:02]:

like, it really helps, but it's. It takes a

Andrew Dewar [00:11:06]:

little bit of getting used to. You mentioned Ronnie. That was one of my big

Andrew Dewar [00:11:09]:


Catherine Collins [00:11:10]:

And you meditate every morning.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:11]:

I meditate every morning. I tapping. Did I just say I can't

Andrew Dewar [00:11:15]:

remember if I tapping?

Catherine Collins [00:11:16]:

No, you didn't say tapping. Tapping is a really interesting technique if

Catherine Collins [00:11:20]:

you've never heard of it. It's where you tap

Catherine Collins [00:11:23]:

pressure points on.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:25]:

Your body, acupressure meridians, and there's a

Andrew Dewar [00:11:29]:

great app, the tapping. I think it's just called the tapping app.

Catherine Collins [00:11:32]:

The tapping solution.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:33]:

I think tapping solution. Right. Tapping app might be a completely different thing. Don't go

Andrew Dewar [00:11:36]:

to that one. But it's so useful if you've never tried it. There's videos

Andrew Dewar [00:11:40]:

on YouTube for it. It was really one of those things that kind of shifted

Andrew Dewar [00:11:43]:

my energy along, because coping skill for me is like, that energy

Andrew Dewar [00:11:47]:

kind of builds up and it needs to keep moving along. That's

Andrew Dewar [00:11:51]:

why when I get on the hamster wheel and it's like, oh, they did this

Andrew Dewar [00:11:54]:

and this and this, and you just kind of. You just. You stew on it,

Andrew Dewar [00:11:57]:

really more than anything. And that forces

Andrew Dewar [00:12:01]:

me to start finding ways that energy gets releases. I know for. For me,

Andrew Dewar [00:12:05]:

it used to be like, you know, I would go and I would just shoot

Andrew Dewar [00:12:08]:

hockey pucks because it was just something I was. It

Andrew Dewar [00:12:11]:

got me out of the situation, got me into, like, a happy

Andrew Dewar [00:12:15]:

place. And did that have several guitars, and I love to play

Andrew Dewar [00:12:19]:

those. So that's another one that I really, really will gravitate to

Andrew Dewar [00:12:22]:

when I have a hard moment and I say that and I haven't done that

Andrew Dewar [00:12:26]:

in the last six months because I'm still trying different things. And sometimes the thing

Andrew Dewar [00:12:29]:

that worked Monday doesn't work Tuesday, and that's okay. That's why you try different

Andrew Dewar [00:12:33]:

things. What we're saying here is the essence of our

Andrew Dewar [00:12:37]:

show is five years from now, I'm assuming

Andrew Dewar [00:12:41]:

you want to be a healthier, happier, more better adjusted

Andrew Dewar [00:12:44]:

version of yourself listener. And when you

Andrew Dewar [00:12:48]:

think about that, that means that that person has to try on new

Andrew Dewar [00:12:52]:

shirts this week. They have to try on new coping skills. And you don't have

Andrew Dewar [00:12:55]:

to get it right. You're not going to get it right. Just accept that. But

Andrew Dewar [00:12:58]:

you're going to try something new. You're going to find what works for you,

Andrew Dewar [00:13:02]:

what doesn't. You and I were talking on the weekend how we

Andrew Dewar [00:13:06]:

both were really using tapping and then we both kind of fell off of it

Andrew Dewar [00:13:09]:

because we were using other coping skills. And now we're both kind of like.

Catherine Collins [00:13:13]:

We should do tapping again. Yeah. Yeah. You stopped using it. Yeah,

Catherine Collins [00:13:16]:

we were talking about it because we were saying it would help the kids

Catherine Collins [00:13:20]:

fall asleep better if they're having trouble falling asleep. And

Catherine Collins [00:13:24]:

we're like, oh, we should bring that back. I think a good place

Catherine Collins [00:13:28]:

to start is, first of all, we're all about awareness.

Catherine Collins [00:13:32]:

As a good first step listener, you might be

Catherine Collins [00:13:35]:

using coping skills that you don't realize you're using that might

Catherine Collins [00:13:39]:

have detrimental effects. The coping skills we're talking about

Catherine Collins [00:13:43]:

have long term mental health benefits. But let me

Catherine Collins [00:13:47]:

give you an example of a coping skill that many people have that is

Catherine Collins [00:13:50]:

very common in our society and that

Catherine Collins [00:13:54]:

is shopping. The coping skills that are

Catherine Collins [00:13:58]:

difficult to maintain are the ones that are really fast

Catherine Collins [00:14:02]:

dopamine hits. So I'm just as guilty as anyone

Catherine Collins [00:14:05]:

else as scrolling shopping on

Catherine Collins [00:14:09]:

Amazon, things like that. You get that quick

Catherine Collins [00:14:13]:

dopamine release and it makes you feel better when you shop. When

Catherine Collins [00:14:16]:

you buy something at the mall, it gives you a quick

Catherine Collins [00:14:19]:

dopamine thrill and that's why it's addicting and that's why so many

Catherine Collins [00:14:23]:

people do it. But so many quick, fast

Catherine Collins [00:14:27]:

thrills often come with a crash. So that might be when you

Catherine Collins [00:14:31]:

get your credit card bill in the mail, that might be, you might feel like

Catherine Collins [00:14:34]:

you have to hide your purchases from your spouse. It might mean a whole number

Catherine Collins [00:14:37]:

of things that then add negative types of

Catherine Collins [00:14:41]:

feelings, although no feelings are positive or negative, but less

Catherine Collins [00:14:44]:

preferred feelings like shame and guilt. And

Catherine Collins [00:14:48]:

then you're perpetuating the bad feelings that you were trying to

Catherine Collins [00:14:51]:

avoid to begin with. So what we're encouraging you is to sit back and

Catherine Collins [00:14:55]:

think, when I have a bad day, how do I cope? What do I do?

Catherine Collins [00:14:59]:

And is there something else that I can replace it with

Catherine Collins [00:15:03]:

that might be healthier for me long term to become the person I want to

Catherine Collins [00:15:05]:


Andrew Dewar [00:15:06]:

First of all, thank you for pointing those things out. I think they're very,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:10]:

very common. A useful way to distinguish if it's a good coping

Andrew Dewar [00:15:14]:

skill or a bad coping skill is a good coping

Andrew Dewar [00:15:17]:

skill, helps you in the long run. A bad coping

Andrew Dewar [00:15:21]:

skill either pushes it down or creates a new problem.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:25]:

Yeah, I mean, online shopping is so much fun, right? Like, it's like

Andrew Dewar [00:15:28]:

basically getting Santa to deliver something to your doorstep every other day if you want

Andrew Dewar [00:15:32]:

to do it that way. So there's this huge benefit for it,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:36]:

but it sets up other problems, like overspending,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:39]:

debt, budgeting troubles, all these kind of money things. It feels

Andrew Dewar [00:15:43]:

good in the moment, but it feels bad after, whereas

Andrew Dewar [00:15:47]:

something that is free, like going for a walk,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:50]:

humming, talking to a friend about it, those

Andrew Dewar [00:15:54]:

things will make you feel better in the long run and

Andrew Dewar [00:15:57]:

probably get you out of the loop, the trap, and you

Andrew Dewar [00:16:01]:

actually do cope with it rather than just

Andrew Dewar [00:16:05]:

push it off to the side and give yourself a little dopamine hit. And social

Andrew Dewar [00:16:08]:

media is extremely addictive because of that reason. Like,

Andrew Dewar [00:16:12]:

it's designed to keep you on. So, you know, how many times do you see

Andrew Dewar [00:16:15]:

people, they're just, like, scrolling mindlessly, and it is mindlessly because they

Andrew Dewar [00:16:19]:

just, they're doing that. And it's not hating on the social media thing.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:22]:

It's just a really, really easy example to kind of look

Andrew Dewar [00:16:26]:

at and go, look, this doesn't actually

Andrew Dewar [00:16:30]:

serve you because you're not dealing with it.

Catherine Collins [00:16:33]:

Not only that, you're adding feelings of comparison, feelings of being

Catherine Collins [00:16:37]:

less than you're having fomo. You know, it's adding a lot of

Catherine Collins [00:16:41]:

different things. And we're both on social media, so we get it.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:44]:

Yeah. And it's a hard one to break, too, especially when it makes you

Andrew Dewar [00:16:48]:

feel that dopamine is hard to break. Even though social media makes most of

Andrew Dewar [00:16:52]:

us feel bad after the fact, it's a real challenge for most of us

Andrew Dewar [00:16:55]:

to kind of go, okay, well, I'm not going to go on it because it

Andrew Dewar [00:16:59]:

makes, it gives you that initial hit, and then you go off and you get

Andrew Dewar [00:17:02]:

your notifications or whatever, you come back on you feel good and then you feel

Andrew Dewar [00:17:04]:

bad, but it's just this weird kind of

Andrew Dewar [00:17:07]:

cycle that is not unlike, you know, drinking and

Andrew Dewar [00:17:11]:

drugs. You feel good when you do it. Initially, you get your

Andrew Dewar [00:17:15]:

nicotine, your alcohol, your whatever

Andrew Dewar [00:17:18]:

substance. Your brain fires off this great thing, and then you

Andrew Dewar [00:17:22]:

feel terrible later on. Long term, that

Andrew Dewar [00:17:26]:

doesn't help you grow to become the best version of yourself. And that's really what

Andrew Dewar [00:17:29]:

we're talking about right now, is that we want to become the best version of

Andrew Dewar [00:17:33]:


Catherine Collins [00:17:34]:

I think that's a good delineation, too. Another good delineation

Catherine Collins [00:17:37]:

is it's a coping skill that serves you if it

Catherine Collins [00:17:41]:

helps you to feel better consistently and in the long run.

Catherine Collins [00:17:45]:

Cause another coping skill is crying. That release might feel bad,

Catherine Collins [00:17:49]:

but then it might feel good. Your coping skills are supposed to make you feel

Catherine Collins [00:17:52]:

better long term, whereas the coping skills that might not be

Catherine Collins [00:17:55]:

beneficial, they only make you feel better in the short term, and then you kind

Catherine Collins [00:17:59]:

of have the crash.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:00]:

Yeah, I'm gonna google what delineation means, but I'm sure

Andrew Dewar [00:18:04]:

you don't want to play Scrabble with Catherine. She will obliterate you. And I

Andrew Dewar [00:18:08]:

had to use that word recently, but you're

Andrew Dewar [00:18:11]:

100% right. It's that short term pain for long

Andrew Dewar [00:18:15]:

term gain instead of short term gain and

Andrew Dewar [00:18:19]:

long term pain.

Catherine Collins [00:18:20]:

That's right.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:21]:

That was really hard to say, by the way.

Catherine Collins [00:18:24]:

That shouldn't have been put on a t shirt. It was a good

Catherine Collins [00:18:27]:

one. I just remember being so amazed, and

Catherine Collins [00:18:31]:

I'm happy to share this with people today, this whole idea of coping skills, because

Catherine Collins [00:18:35]:

it seems like we should just know this much, like so many other topics

Catherine Collins [00:18:38]:

we talk about. But again, you know, our society sometimes

Catherine Collins [00:18:42]:

gets a little mixed up in the wood and the things that we value. This

Catherine Collins [00:18:46]:

is one of those things that I want to encourage people that you

Catherine Collins [00:18:50]:

can learn. It's a skill you can acquire, and it's one

Catherine Collins [00:18:53]:

that can be very helpful to you in the long term.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:57]:

It really is an important adulting

Andrew Dewar [00:19:01]:

skill that really kind of gets beat out of us very, very

Andrew Dewar [00:19:04]:

early on with, I don't know how it was for you, but growing up for

Andrew Dewar [00:19:08]:

me, and it wasn't so much necessarily for my parents, but it was society around

Andrew Dewar [00:19:11]:

me that's saying, like, you know, I'll suck it up and, like, let it go

Andrew Dewar [00:19:14]:

and all these things, and, like, those are about as effective as

Andrew Dewar [00:19:18]:

trying to solve algebra, chewing bubble gum, it just, you know, it doesn't work,

Andrew Dewar [00:19:22]:

so you just start putting it away, and then you just think, like, well, now

Andrew Dewar [00:19:25]:

I'm miserable all the time. Well, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna start

Andrew Dewar [00:19:29]:

trying to cope or I'm just gonna avoid. And it's

Andrew Dewar [00:19:32]:

easier to avoid. It's easier to crack a beer. It's easier. Easier to

Andrew Dewar [00:19:36]:

watch whatever makes you feel good in that moment, but it doesn't

Andrew Dewar [00:19:40]:

serve you in the long term. And if you're listening to us right now, it's

Andrew Dewar [00:19:43]:

because you want to get better in the long term.

Andrew Dewar [00:19:47]:

Give yourself permission to try something new, something stuck out in those lists, that list

Andrew Dewar [00:19:51]:

that we gave you, or you thought, you probably thought, you know what? I should

Andrew Dewar [00:19:54]:

try this thing or that thing. And when you

Andrew Dewar [00:19:58]:

have those moments, give yourself permission to try them. Google

Andrew Dewar [00:20:02]:

tapping, you know, like, hum to yourself in the car when that person cuts you

Andrew Dewar [00:20:05]:

off and you're like, you know, you get upset.

Catherine Collins [00:20:08]:

Think about the things you love to do as a child. Sometimes those are our

Catherine Collins [00:20:12]:

kind of very earliest things of enjoyment before

Catherine Collins [00:20:15]:

we knew what the world approved of or what

Catherine Collins [00:20:19]:

was, quote unquote good or bad or what girls or boys, quote unquote

Catherine Collins [00:20:23]:

should do, shouldn't do whatever. Think about what you really liked doing as

Catherine Collins [00:20:26]:

a kid. And oftentimes that's where you can find your

Catherine Collins [00:20:30]:

inspiration on the things that, like, sort of are innately

Catherine Collins [00:20:34]:

you that you can get back to.

Andrew Dewar [00:20:36]:

Another one that happens for me, is talking with people for

Andrew Dewar [00:20:40]:

sure about it, but helping somebody else always. And that can

Andrew Dewar [00:20:44]:

also be a bad one because if I'm not dealing with my own

Andrew Dewar [00:20:47]:

stuff, yeah, my own stuff. But there's a balance there. But,

Andrew Dewar [00:20:51]:

yeah, helping other people with their something, it doesn't matter what. It

Andrew Dewar [00:20:55]:

just, like, it lifts me up and it makes me feel like, okay, I'm doing

Andrew Dewar [00:20:59]:

good for the long term.

Catherine Collins [00:21:00]:

Well, Andrew, what action step would you give our listeners

Catherine Collins [00:21:04]:

as part of our way to sum up this coping

Catherine Collins [00:21:08]:

skills episode? What would be the first step you'd encourage someone to

Catherine Collins [00:21:11]:


Andrew Dewar [00:21:12]:

I would replace the word grow up that you got told

Andrew Dewar [00:21:16]:

when you were younger with get young. I like that,

Andrew Dewar [00:21:20]:

you know, give yourself permission. You just had a nice session

Andrew Dewar [00:21:24]:

of becoming aware that you might be doing this. Awareness is

Andrew Dewar [00:21:27]:

always our first step to growth. So now the next step

Andrew Dewar [00:21:31]:

is trying something out. Doesn't matter what it is.

Andrew Dewar [00:21:35]:

Walking like we gave you. We've just been given a decent list to start

Andrew Dewar [00:21:38]:

that's not too overwhelming. Or think about what used to calm you when you were

Andrew Dewar [00:21:42]:

a kid. Like you said, that's a big one. And then

Andrew Dewar [00:21:46]:

start to carve that new neural pathway that was there a

Andrew Dewar [00:21:50]:

long time ago. And start going back to it and start going,

Andrew Dewar [00:21:53]:

okay, this person did this. I had this happen. I

Andrew Dewar [00:21:57]:

am not going to go do the thing that I always do. I'm not going

Andrew Dewar [00:22:00]:

to go, you know, shop on Amazon. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:04]:

It's just the purpose that it's serving in that moment is the issue.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:08]:

Let yourself try this new thing. And it's not going to feel right in the

Andrew Dewar [00:22:11]:

first time, probably the way you want it to, because it's not going to have

Andrew Dewar [00:22:14]:

the fast dopamine hit that your brain gets in all these other

Andrew Dewar [00:22:17]:

situations. But start to assess. Give yourself

Andrew Dewar [00:22:21]:

a week, even a couple of days to kind of go, you know, I handled

Andrew Dewar [00:22:25]:

this differently this time, and I'm not thinking about it two days later.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:29]:

In fact, if you forget to think about all of this three days later, because

Andrew Dewar [00:22:32]:

what you did worked, that's the success right there.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:36]:

And bring some consciousness to that. That way you can start

Andrew Dewar [00:22:39]:

practicing the things that work and give yourself permission to fail.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:43]:

Big thing for us at five year you is you

Andrew Dewar [00:22:47]:

have to be willing to be wrong. You have to grow, you have to be

Andrew Dewar [00:22:50]:

willing to fail, to have setbacks

Andrew Dewar [00:22:54]:

to step higher. And that is a key thing.

Catherine Collins [00:22:57]:

I love that. Those are all great updates, great

Catherine Collins [00:23:01]:

tips. I like it.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:02]:

Well, thank you for bringing this idea to us today because it's one of those

Andrew Dewar [00:23:06]:

things that you and I do, but we do forget it.

Catherine Collins [00:23:08]:

Yeah, we do forget that we had to learn it a few years ago ourselves.

Catherine Collins [00:23:12]:

And it's super helpful, and it's helpful for the kids, too.

Catherine Collins [00:23:15]:

All right. We end every episode with something called glimmers.

Catherine Collins [00:23:19]:

These are the sparkly, happy things, things that make our

Catherine Collins [00:23:23]:

lives better, easier, books that we read. Who knows? It's

Catherine Collins [00:23:26]:

random every time, but we like to end with things that

Catherine Collins [00:23:30]:

uplift us and things that we want to share with you. So, Andrew, do you

Catherine Collins [00:23:33]:

want to go first and share your glimmer?

Andrew Dewar [00:23:35]:

Sure. I was in visiting you last

Andrew Dewar [00:23:39]:

weekend, and I just got in really late last night. And my

Andrew Dewar [00:23:43]:

glimmer is I had three separate conversations with

Andrew Dewar [00:23:46]:

people and they were all very deep.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:50]:

I always joke that I'm incapable of, like, superficial conversation, but

Andrew Dewar [00:23:54]:

they're all deep conversations and I left every one of them feeling like I had

Andrew Dewar [00:23:58]:

helped them. And in turn, that made me feel pretty

Andrew Dewar [00:24:02]:

awesome. I didn't approach anybody. I'm usually, you know, I just. Because

Andrew Dewar [00:24:05]:

I know I'm not. Yeah. So I mean,

Andrew Dewar [00:24:09]:

to the point where one guy, I sat next to him the whole plane ride,

Andrew Dewar [00:24:12]:

we didn't say a word and then he offered me a

Andrew Dewar [00:24:16]:

lounge pass to, you know, chat with him. And it's really nice when

Andrew Dewar [00:24:20]:

you have, like, a five hour layover and you're like, you know, come to the

Andrew Dewar [00:24:23]:

lounge. That's a glimmer. It's just you forget sometimes that

Andrew Dewar [00:24:27]:

your energy is shifting and you have these things around you. So.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:30]:

That's my glimmer. Cathryn, what's yours?

Catherine Collins [00:24:32]:

My glimmer actually has to do with you visiting me this past weekend, too,

Catherine Collins [00:24:36]:

because it's super helpful to have a tech

Catherine Collins [00:24:40]:

nerd as my partner because you fixed

Catherine Collins [00:24:44]:

my computer. Man, you rock.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:47]:

Thank you. The Andrew ego show is

Andrew Dewar [00:24:52]:

I am.

Catherine Collins [00:24:52]:

So glimmery because this is my first time recording a

Catherine Collins [00:24:56]:

podcast on my imac. My imac is, like, a couple years older

Catherine Collins [00:24:59]:

than my laptop. It just was going so slow, like,

Catherine Collins [00:25:03]:

I wanted to fling it out the window every day, but it's so

Catherine Collins [00:25:07]:

great because I am a freelance writer as my, you

Catherine Collins [00:25:11]:

know, regular day job, and it's just so nice to have the big

Catherine Collins [00:25:15]:

screen, but it was, like, slow as a snail. Anyways, Andrew worked his magic,

Catherine Collins [00:25:19]:

spent a few hours on it, made it all fast, and I don't know what

Catherine Collins [00:25:22]:

he did, but I am so grateful because

Catherine Collins [00:25:26]:

it's been so nice. So thank you. You are my glimmer.

Andrew Dewar [00:25:29]:

Oh, thank you. That is really kind. And thank you for finding the articles for

Andrew Dewar [00:25:33]:

me to read on that.

Catherine Collins [00:25:34]:

I was like, I think this can fix it. I don't know how, but I

Catherine Collins [00:25:37]:

think this is the thing. This sounds like my problem. Figure that out. Right? Okay.

Catherine Collins [00:25:41]:


Andrew Dewar [00:25:43]:

And for the you tech people out there, it was. I looked at this. I'm

Andrew Dewar [00:25:46]:

like, there is no reason why this should work the way it does, but

Andrew Dewar [00:25:50]:

it did, and it's really amazing. And I'm so grateful

Andrew Dewar [00:25:54]:

that it worked because it's so nice to have the bigger screen,

Andrew Dewar [00:25:58]:

and the fact that you're recording on it for the podcast on it for

Andrew Dewar [00:26:01]:

the first time shows that it's great.

Catherine Collins [00:26:03]:

It's working great. Thank you so much.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:06]:

All right, team, thank you so much for listening, and we will see

Andrew Dewar [00:26:10]:

you next time. Good luck with your coping skills.

Catherine Collins [00:26:12]:


Andrew Dewar [00:26:14]:

Well, thank you for listening. Remember, it doesn't matter where you've

Andrew Dewar [00:26:18]:

started from or where you're coming from. It matters where you're going.

Catherine Collins [00:26:21]:

And we are rooting for you.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:23]:

Just a reminder, we're two people on the Internet. We're not doctors

Andrew Dewar [00:26:27]:

or anything else, but we do want to help. If you feel that you

Andrew Dewar [00:26:31]:

need professional medical care, please see a licensed

Andrew Dewar [00:26:34]:

medical practitioner.