Andrew and Catherine dive into the world of coping skills, exploring what they are, how to use them, and why they are important for personal growth and wellbeing.
Drawing from personal experiences and insights, they discuss the significance of learning to self-soothe and the impact of different coping mechanisms on our mental health. Listeners are encouraged to explore new coping skills, reflect on their current approaches, and take steps toward becoming the best version of themselves.
Stay tuned for valuable tips and strategies to enhance your coping skills and embark on a journey towards a more fulfilling life.
Transcript
Andrew Dewar [00:00:00]:
Have you ever had a bad day and just not been able to let it
Andrew Dewar [00:00:02]:
go? This episode is just for you. It's all about coping
Andrew Dewar [00:00:06]:
skills, what they are and how to use them. Let's dive in.
Andrew Dewar [00:00:10]:
Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to
Andrew Dewar [00:00:14]:
helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm
Andrew Dewar [00:00:17]:
Andrew.
Catherine Collins [00:00:18]:
And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw,
Catherine Collins [00:00:21]:
real, and relatable.
Andrew Dewar [00:00:24]:
Are you ready to grow? So our intention for you today is
Andrew Dewar [00:00:27]:
that you learn about coping skills, what they are, and
Andrew Dewar [00:00:31]:
how you can start incorporating some into your life. And if you've never
Andrew Dewar [00:00:35]:
explored coping skills, you're not alone. Most of us don't learn
Andrew Dewar [00:00:38]:
about this stuff. Cat, you were the one who introduced me
Andrew Dewar [00:00:42]:
to coping skills a long time ago. What's been your
Andrew Dewar [00:00:46]:
experience with this? Like, how did you come across it?
Catherine Collins [00:00:49]:
Yeah, so, like all good podcast episodes,
Catherine Collins [00:00:52]:
I like to start off by saying I learned this in therapy,
Catherine Collins [00:00:56]:
but it's crazy. One of my very first therapy
Catherine Collins [00:01:00]:
sessions with the therapist I got when I moved here to
Catherine Collins [00:01:04]:
Michigan, where I currently live, I remember going to
Catherine Collins [00:01:07]:
her and talking to her and just sort of, you know, getting the basics
Catherine Collins [00:01:11]:
down. In that first session, she told me that I
Catherine Collins [00:01:15]:
needed to learn how to self soothe
Catherine Collins [00:01:18]:
and always had anxiety.
Catherine Collins [00:01:22]:
And I have all these different ways that I cope
Catherine Collins [00:01:26]:
with it and get through day to day life. But until
Catherine Collins [00:01:30]:
she pointed out that I actually did
Catherine Collins [00:01:33]:
not know how to self soothe, I didn't realize it was a
Catherine Collins [00:01:37]:
skill that you could actually learn. And
Catherine Collins [00:01:41]:
this comes from, like, childhood, right? It comes from,
Catherine Collins [00:01:45]:
you know, your parents soothe you, your parents, you
Catherine Collins [00:01:49]:
know, try to make sure you're okay as
Catherine Collins [00:01:52]:
you grow up, as you mature, as you move out the house,
Catherine Collins [00:01:56]:
you have to become that for yourself. But so many of us aren't really
Catherine Collins [00:02:00]:
taught that specifically. We have no idea how to
Catherine Collins [00:02:04]:
calm ourselves down when we need it.
Andrew Dewar [00:02:06]:
Okay, a couple of things come to mind. First of all, thank you for being
Andrew Dewar [00:02:09]:
so open with that. I know it's always, these things can be
Andrew Dewar [00:02:13]:
triggering when you start having to go back to, like, earlier therapy sessions. And it's
Andrew Dewar [00:02:16]:
like you're always, like, kind of like gently pulling the ribbon off, going, is this
Andrew Dewar [00:02:20]:
just gonna stay close? We've handled this, so thank you for
Andrew Dewar [00:02:24]:
that.
Catherine Collins [00:02:25]:
Sure.
Andrew Dewar [00:02:25]:
When you say self soothe, part of it's my
Andrew Dewar [00:02:29]:
terribly bad dad joke brain, but the other part of it kind of comes in
Andrew Dewar [00:02:33]:
mind is like, putting a soother in your mouth and like, yeah, and you were
Andrew Dewar [00:02:36]:
saying that that's what our parents do and whatnot. And the thing that kind of.
Andrew Dewar [00:02:40]:
And it's wrong for me to have this connection because I do have several
Andrew Dewar [00:02:43]:
coping skills, but it's just like putting that soother in your mouth.
Andrew Dewar [00:02:47]:
It feels like a babyish thing almost. And I know it's
Andrew Dewar [00:02:51]:
not, but I was surprised that that just kind of popped up for me as
Andrew Dewar [00:02:54]:
we started talking about it. It's like, it's not for babies, it's not
Andrew Dewar [00:02:58]:
a childish thing. I think it's just somewhere along the line we kind of
Andrew Dewar [00:03:01]:
lose that.
Catherine Collins [00:03:02]:
I think it's like so many things. And the
Catherine Collins [00:03:06]:
more that we do this work, the more that we try to
Catherine Collins [00:03:10]:
become our best selves in five years, which is the point of five year,
Catherine Collins [00:03:14]:
you. The more we realize that the things that
Catherine Collins [00:03:18]:
children need are all of our innate needs as a human
Catherine Collins [00:03:21]:
being. Children just know how to ask for it, they know how
Catherine Collins [00:03:25]:
to cry for it, they know how to demand attention, they know how to
Catherine Collins [00:03:29]:
come up and squeeze you and all these different things as
Catherine Collins [00:03:32]:
adults, we still need the things that we needed as
Catherine Collins [00:03:36]:
children. We need love, we need connection, we need
Catherine Collins [00:03:39]:
nourishment in order to have a fulfilling life. And
Catherine Collins [00:03:43]:
as we get older, most people kind of
Catherine Collins [00:03:47]:
go through these phases of soothing themselves.
Catherine Collins [00:03:51]:
And if soothing to the people listening does sound a little
Catherine Collins [00:03:55]:
childish, that's why we're calling this coping skills.
Catherine Collins [00:03:59]:
You have coping skills that you don't realize that you have,
Catherine Collins [00:04:02]:
right? Yeah. There are people listening that are already coming
Catherine Collins [00:04:06]:
home from work, watching tv and cracking a beer.
Catherine Collins [00:04:10]:
And we're not saying there's anything specifically wrong with that. What we're
Catherine Collins [00:04:13]:
saying is if you're listening to this, wanting to improve your life and you
Catherine Collins [00:04:17]:
still feel like you aren't getting better, like you still feel
Catherine Collins [00:04:21]:
anxious, like you still feel depressed, then maybe your default coping skills
Catherine Collins [00:04:25]:
could use an upgrade.
Andrew Dewar [00:04:27]:
I think that's a really good point. I think sometimes our default
Andrew Dewar [00:04:30]:
coping skill, and this probably goes back to a lot of, I've been
Andrew Dewar [00:04:34]:
talking to a lot of people, and especially you, about like childhood and how that
Andrew Dewar [00:04:38]:
forms things, but I think part of our coping skills is to
Andrew Dewar [00:04:42]:
avoid them. Like, avoidance is like this huge coping skill.
Andrew Dewar [00:04:45]:
It's not really a coping skill in my mindset, but it's, I
Andrew Dewar [00:04:49]:
think, one that most of us have. You have a rough day at work, you
Andrew Dewar [00:04:52]:
come home, you crack a beer, you watch sports or whatever,
Andrew Dewar [00:04:56]:
all that does is like it just kind of phases you out and you stop
Andrew Dewar [00:04:59]:
having to deal with the reality that you're living in. But the problem with
Andrew Dewar [00:05:02]:
that, in that instance where you aren't dealing with it, you
Andrew Dewar [00:05:06]:
get stuck in a groundhog day. Groundhog Day was a movie, Catherine, just so you
Andrew Dewar [00:05:09]:
know, over and over again. And when
Andrew Dewar [00:05:13]:
that happens and you're repeating it, so
Andrew Dewar [00:05:17]:
then the next time you have a bad day. Cause, like, let's face it, dates
Andrew Dewar [00:05:20]:
are hard. You know, it's hard to human, as we like to say it
Andrew Dewar [00:05:24]:
is. So you get home again and you
Andrew Dewar [00:05:28]:
sit down, you know, you turn on the game or a movie or Netflix or
Andrew Dewar [00:05:31]:
video games, crack a beer, and do you do the
Andrew Dewar [00:05:35]:
same thing? And again, you've avoided it. Well, if you do that for
Andrew Dewar [00:05:39]:
a few weeks, that just starts to become your way of
Andrew Dewar [00:05:42]:
coping. But the thing that's not happening is you're not actually. You're not actually
Andrew Dewar [00:05:46]:
managing it. You're just. Yeah, you're just stuffing it more in
Andrew Dewar [00:05:50]:
inside of you, and it's not handling it. Which coping
Andrew Dewar [00:05:53]:
skills have you tried that have worked for you and some that haven't? Because it's
Andrew Dewar [00:05:57]:
not like there's a one coping skill fits all thing for
Andrew Dewar [00:06:01]:
me.
Catherine Collins [00:06:01]:
One of the best coping skills that I have is talking to
Catherine Collins [00:06:05]:
people in human connection. I have a tendency.
Catherine Collins [00:06:09]:
I'm hyper independent, almost to a
Catherine Collins [00:06:12]:
fault, where I feel like I can read anything
Catherine Collins [00:06:16]:
and figure it out. I can watch anything and figure it out. If there's something.
Catherine Collins [00:06:20]:
There's a tough problem I'm dealing with. I'm sure there's a book on it. When
Catherine Collins [00:06:23]:
things get hard, I can tend to turn inwards. So
Catherine Collins [00:06:27]:
one of the ways that I cope and one of the ways that
Catherine Collins [00:06:31]:
my therapist recommended to me is to tell
Catherine Collins [00:06:34]:
somebody what you're going through, because I'm
Catherine Collins [00:06:37]:
definitely someone that's like, I'm fine. Everything's great. If
Catherine Collins [00:06:41]:
you have one or two trusted people, and you've been a trusted person for me
Catherine Collins [00:06:44]:
for many, many years, if you have a safe person,
Catherine Collins [00:06:48]:
then you're winning. And you just have to be
Catherine Collins [00:06:51]:
willing to allow someone to know that you're not
Catherine Collins [00:06:54]:
okay in order to get that support and connection.
Andrew Dewar [00:06:58]:
And that kind of ties back to our art of vulnerability episode, too,
Andrew Dewar [00:07:02]:
because it is a challenge. So thank you for sharing that. Thank
Andrew Dewar [00:07:06]:
you for letting me be your coping skills buddy.
Andrew Dewar [00:07:10]:
I'm going through target, and I'm trying to find the coping skill
Andrew Dewar [00:07:14]:
aisle, and I noticed it's kind of like a spice rack.
Andrew Dewar [00:07:18]:
So let's just do a few ideas, like
Andrew Dewar [00:07:21]:
some rapid fire things for our listeners to kind of go like, okay, that's something
Andrew Dewar [00:07:25]:
I can do. One for me again, like you, I get stuck in my
Andrew Dewar [00:07:29]:
head on this it's a beautiful hamster wheel, but it's definitely a hamster
Andrew Dewar [00:07:33]:
wheel going round around and getting nowhere. For me, talking is one of them.
Andrew Dewar [00:07:37]:
Another one for me is going for a walk outside.
Andrew Dewar [00:07:40]:
That helps a lot. It just kind of gets you out of your location, get
Andrew Dewar [00:07:44]:
some fresh air, sun on your face, all the things. What's another one for
Andrew Dewar [00:07:48]:
you or one that you've tried?
Catherine Collins [00:07:49]:
I was going to say reading, because I love to read, but that could also
Catherine Collins [00:07:53]:
be a little bit of escapism as well. As far as things
Catherine Collins [00:07:56]:
that don't work, like I'm not going to be somebody that's like, I'm just going
Catherine Collins [00:07:59]:
to cook and relaxing. Like, I'm definitely a hobbyist
Catherine Collins [00:08:03]:
failure. Like, I have a really hard time having hobbies because every
Catherine Collins [00:08:07]:
hobby I have I just want to turn into a business of some kind. So
Catherine Collins [00:08:10]:
those types of things aren't great for me because it just keeps my mind running
Catherine Collins [00:08:14]:
of like what else can I do with this? But I do this with my
Catherine Collins [00:08:17]:
kids too. My daughter especially benefits from
Catherine Collins [00:08:20]:
coping skills. Hers are drawing.
Catherine Collins [00:08:24]:
She loves to draw. She's loved art since she was a kid. She has going
Catherine Collins [00:08:28]:
in her cozy space. She has a cozy space with a bean bag in her
Catherine Collins [00:08:31]:
room that has her stuffed animals and all kinds of things that is more
Catherine Collins [00:08:34]:
beneficial than them playing a video game together. I
Catherine Collins [00:08:38]:
have boy girl twins for those who are just tuning in. They're ten
Catherine Collins [00:08:41]:
years old. And that's another reason why I brought up this
Catherine Collins [00:08:45]:
topic for the podcast, because I've been talking to them. They've had a lot of
Catherine Collins [00:08:49]:
questions about drugs and alcohol lately and the way that I. Yeah, I've
Catherine Collins [00:08:52]:
got great times. Parenting, piece of cake. I have explained
Catherine Collins [00:08:56]:
drugs and alcohol as a coping
Catherine Collins [00:09:00]:
skill that some people use in order to
Catherine Collins [00:09:03]:
stop feeling their pain and their
Catherine Collins [00:09:07]:
emotions, and that they use it to
Catherine Collins [00:09:10]:
cope. But much like you were saying with the tv, but when they
Catherine Collins [00:09:14]:
stop or they come off of, or they the next day after drugs and
Catherine Collins [00:09:18]:
alcohol, they still have the sad feelings with them. And so I've
Catherine Collins [00:09:21]:
explained to the kids that they have to choose better
Catherine Collins [00:09:25]:
coping skills. For a lot of people, that's running
Catherine Collins [00:09:29]:
meditation, yoga again, talking to a
Catherine Collins [00:09:32]:
friend, planning a trip, writing, journaling.
Catherine Collins [00:09:36]:
A lot of people, they like cooking, being creative,
Catherine Collins [00:09:40]:
painting, doing anything, that it's something
Catherine Collins [00:09:43]:
for you, something that you enjoy, something that you do
Catherine Collins [00:09:47]:
purely for the joy of it, breathing. You've taken a whole
Catherine Collins [00:09:51]:
course just on different types of breath work.
Andrew Dewar [00:09:54]:
Breath work. Oh yeah. It's amazing what you can do with that stuff.
Catherine Collins [00:09:58]:
You can really calm down anxiety with specific types of
Catherine Collins [00:10:02]:
breath. Work. Learning again. Rerouting thoughts,
Catherine Collins [00:10:05]:
thinking, stopping repetitive thoughts, choosing new
Catherine Collins [00:10:08]:
thoughts. There are countless different ways. One size does
Catherine Collins [00:10:12]:
not fit all, but like I said, even children, you can
Catherine Collins [00:10:16]:
identify this and say, I see you're getting upset,
Catherine Collins [00:10:19]:
and that's what I do with my kids. Do you need to go sit in
Catherine Collins [00:10:23]:
your chill space for a little while? Come back down when you've
Catherine Collins [00:10:26]:
chilled out in the chill space, it works if they
Catherine Collins [00:10:30]:
get mad or they start bickering with each other or something. I'm like,
Catherine Collins [00:10:34]:
does anyone need to do a coping skill right now? Do you need to go
Catherine Collins [00:10:36]:
draw you some time to yourself? Because this energy is not working
Catherine Collins [00:10:40]:
for anyone. You're disrupting my peace. So
Catherine Collins [00:10:44]:
these are words and phrases you can use as a parent as well.
Andrew Dewar [00:10:48]:
That's great. A few others that I do, singing, humming, those kind
Andrew Dewar [00:10:52]:
of soothe your nervous system. I'll go have. And this is really recent,
Andrew Dewar [00:10:56]:
but I'll go have, like, a hot shower and then a cold shower at the
Andrew Dewar [00:10:59]:
end, and that kind of resets your nervous system. And I found that to be
Andrew Dewar [00:11:02]:
like, it really helps, but it's. It takes a
Andrew Dewar [00:11:06]:
little bit of getting used to. You mentioned Ronnie. That was one of my big
Andrew Dewar [00:11:09]:
ones.
Catherine Collins [00:11:10]:
And you meditate every morning.
Andrew Dewar [00:11:11]:
I meditate every morning. I tapping. Did I just say I can't
Andrew Dewar [00:11:15]:
remember if I tapping?
Catherine Collins [00:11:16]:
No, you didn't say tapping. Tapping is a really interesting technique if
Catherine Collins [00:11:20]:
you've never heard of it. It's where you tap
Catherine Collins [00:11:23]:
pressure points on.
Andrew Dewar [00:11:25]:
Your body, acupressure meridians, and there's a
Andrew Dewar [00:11:29]:
great app, the tapping. I think it's just called the tapping app.
Catherine Collins [00:11:32]:
The tapping solution.
Andrew Dewar [00:11:33]:
I think tapping solution. Right. Tapping app might be a completely different thing. Don't go
Andrew Dewar [00:11:36]:
to that one. But it's so useful if you've never tried it. There's videos
Andrew Dewar [00:11:40]:
on YouTube for it. It was really one of those things that kind of shifted
Andrew Dewar [00:11:43]:
my energy along, because coping skill for me is like, that energy
Andrew Dewar [00:11:47]:
kind of builds up and it needs to keep moving along. That's
Andrew Dewar [00:11:51]:
why when I get on the hamster wheel and it's like, oh, they did this
Andrew Dewar [00:11:54]:
and this and this, and you just kind of. You just. You stew on it,
Andrew Dewar [00:11:57]:
really more than anything. And that forces
Andrew Dewar [00:12:01]:
me to start finding ways that energy gets releases. I know for. For me,
Andrew Dewar [00:12:05]:
it used to be like, you know, I would go and I would just shoot
Andrew Dewar [00:12:08]:
hockey pucks because it was just something I was. It
Andrew Dewar [00:12:11]:
got me out of the situation, got me into, like, a happy
Andrew Dewar [00:12:15]:
place. And did that have several guitars, and I love to play
Andrew Dewar [00:12:19]:
those. So that's another one that I really, really will gravitate to
Andrew Dewar [00:12:22]:
when I have a hard moment and I say that and I haven't done that
Andrew Dewar [00:12:26]:
in the last six months because I'm still trying different things. And sometimes the thing
Andrew Dewar [00:12:29]:
that worked Monday doesn't work Tuesday, and that's okay. That's why you try different
Andrew Dewar [00:12:33]:
things. What we're saying here is the essence of our
Andrew Dewar [00:12:37]:
show is five years from now, I'm assuming
Andrew Dewar [00:12:41]:
you want to be a healthier, happier, more better adjusted
Andrew Dewar [00:12:44]:
version of yourself listener. And when you
Andrew Dewar [00:12:48]:
think about that, that means that that person has to try on new
Andrew Dewar [00:12:52]:
shirts this week. They have to try on new coping skills. And you don't have
Andrew Dewar [00:12:55]:
to get it right. You're not going to get it right. Just accept that. But
Andrew Dewar [00:12:58]:
you're going to try something new. You're going to find what works for you,
Andrew Dewar [00:13:02]:
what doesn't. You and I were talking on the weekend how we
Andrew Dewar [00:13:06]:
both were really using tapping and then we both kind of fell off of it
Andrew Dewar [00:13:09]:
because we were using other coping skills. And now we're both kind of like.
Catherine Collins [00:13:13]:
We should do tapping again. Yeah. Yeah. You stopped using it. Yeah,
Catherine Collins [00:13:16]:
we were talking about it because we were saying it would help the kids
Catherine Collins [00:13:20]:
fall asleep better if they're having trouble falling asleep. And
Catherine Collins [00:13:24]:
we're like, oh, we should bring that back. I think a good place
Catherine Collins [00:13:28]:
to start is, first of all, we're all about awareness.
Catherine Collins [00:13:32]:
As a good first step listener, you might be
Catherine Collins [00:13:35]:
using coping skills that you don't realize you're using that might
Catherine Collins [00:13:39]:
have detrimental effects. The coping skills we're talking about
Catherine Collins [00:13:43]:
have long term mental health benefits. But let me
Catherine Collins [00:13:47]:
give you an example of a coping skill that many people have that is
Catherine Collins [00:13:50]:
very common in our society and that
Catherine Collins [00:13:54]:
is shopping. The coping skills that are
Catherine Collins [00:13:58]:
difficult to maintain are the ones that are really fast
Catherine Collins [00:14:02]:
dopamine hits. So I'm just as guilty as anyone
Catherine Collins [00:14:05]:
else as scrolling shopping on
Catherine Collins [00:14:09]:
Amazon, things like that. You get that quick
Catherine Collins [00:14:13]:
dopamine release and it makes you feel better when you shop. When
Catherine Collins [00:14:16]:
you buy something at the mall, it gives you a quick
Catherine Collins [00:14:19]:
dopamine thrill and that's why it's addicting and that's why so many
Catherine Collins [00:14:23]:
people do it. But so many quick, fast
Catherine Collins [00:14:27]:
thrills often come with a crash. So that might be when you
Catherine Collins [00:14:31]:
get your credit card bill in the mail, that might be, you might feel like
Catherine Collins [00:14:34]:
you have to hide your purchases from your spouse. It might mean a whole number
Catherine Collins [00:14:37]:
of things that then add negative types of
Catherine Collins [00:14:41]:
feelings, although no feelings are positive or negative, but less
Catherine Collins [00:14:44]:
preferred feelings like shame and guilt. And
Catherine Collins [00:14:48]:
then you're perpetuating the bad feelings that you were trying to
Catherine Collins [00:14:51]:
avoid to begin with. So what we're encouraging you is to sit back and
Catherine Collins [00:14:55]:
think, when I have a bad day, how do I cope? What do I do?
Catherine Collins [00:14:59]:
And is there something else that I can replace it with
Catherine Collins [00:15:03]:
that might be healthier for me long term to become the person I want to
Catherine Collins [00:15:05]:
be?
Andrew Dewar [00:15:06]:
First of all, thank you for pointing those things out. I think they're very,
Andrew Dewar [00:15:10]:
very common. A useful way to distinguish if it's a good coping
Andrew Dewar [00:15:14]:
skill or a bad coping skill is a good coping
Andrew Dewar [00:15:17]:
skill, helps you in the long run. A bad coping
Andrew Dewar [00:15:21]:
skill either pushes it down or creates a new problem.
Andrew Dewar [00:15:25]:
Yeah, I mean, online shopping is so much fun, right? Like, it's like
Andrew Dewar [00:15:28]:
basically getting Santa to deliver something to your doorstep every other day if you want
Andrew Dewar [00:15:32]:
to do it that way. So there's this huge benefit for it,
Andrew Dewar [00:15:36]:
but it sets up other problems, like overspending,
Andrew Dewar [00:15:39]:
debt, budgeting troubles, all these kind of money things. It feels
Andrew Dewar [00:15:43]:
good in the moment, but it feels bad after, whereas
Andrew Dewar [00:15:47]:
something that is free, like going for a walk,
Andrew Dewar [00:15:50]:
humming, talking to a friend about it, those
Andrew Dewar [00:15:54]:
things will make you feel better in the long run and
Andrew Dewar [00:15:57]:
probably get you out of the loop, the trap, and you
Andrew Dewar [00:16:01]:
actually do cope with it rather than just
Andrew Dewar [00:16:05]:
push it off to the side and give yourself a little dopamine hit. And social
Andrew Dewar [00:16:08]:
media is extremely addictive because of that reason. Like,
Andrew Dewar [00:16:12]:
it's designed to keep you on. So, you know, how many times do you see
Andrew Dewar [00:16:15]:
people, they're just, like, scrolling mindlessly, and it is mindlessly because they
Andrew Dewar [00:16:19]:
just, they're doing that. And it's not hating on the social media thing.
Andrew Dewar [00:16:22]:
It's just a really, really easy example to kind of look
Andrew Dewar [00:16:26]:
at and go, look, this doesn't actually
Andrew Dewar [00:16:30]:
serve you because you're not dealing with it.
Catherine Collins [00:16:33]:
Not only that, you're adding feelings of comparison, feelings of being
Catherine Collins [00:16:37]:
less than you're having fomo. You know, it's adding a lot of
Catherine Collins [00:16:41]:
different things. And we're both on social media, so we get it.
Andrew Dewar [00:16:44]:
Yeah. And it's a hard one to break, too, especially when it makes you
Andrew Dewar [00:16:48]:
feel that dopamine is hard to break. Even though social media makes most of
Andrew Dewar [00:16:52]:
us feel bad after the fact, it's a real challenge for most of us
Andrew Dewar [00:16:55]:
to kind of go, okay, well, I'm not going to go on it because it
Andrew Dewar [00:16:59]:
makes, it gives you that initial hit, and then you go off and you get
Andrew Dewar [00:17:02]:
your notifications or whatever, you come back on you feel good and then you feel
Andrew Dewar [00:17:04]:
bad, but it's just this weird kind of
Andrew Dewar [00:17:07]:
cycle that is not unlike, you know, drinking and
Andrew Dewar [00:17:11]:
drugs. You feel good when you do it. Initially, you get your
Andrew Dewar [00:17:15]:
nicotine, your alcohol, your whatever
Andrew Dewar [00:17:18]:
substance. Your brain fires off this great thing, and then you
Andrew Dewar [00:17:22]:
feel terrible later on. Long term, that
Andrew Dewar [00:17:26]:
doesn't help you grow to become the best version of yourself. And that's really what
Andrew Dewar [00:17:29]:
we're talking about right now, is that we want to become the best version of
Andrew Dewar [00:17:33]:
ourself.
Catherine Collins [00:17:34]:
I think that's a good delineation, too. Another good delineation
Catherine Collins [00:17:37]:
is it's a coping skill that serves you if it
Catherine Collins [00:17:41]:
helps you to feel better consistently and in the long run.
Catherine Collins [00:17:45]:
Cause another coping skill is crying. That release might feel bad,
Catherine Collins [00:17:49]:
but then it might feel good. Your coping skills are supposed to make you feel
Catherine Collins [00:17:52]:
better long term, whereas the coping skills that might not be
Catherine Collins [00:17:55]:
beneficial, they only make you feel better in the short term, and then you kind
Catherine Collins [00:17:59]:
of have the crash.
Andrew Dewar [00:18:00]:
Yeah, I'm gonna google what delineation means, but I'm sure
Andrew Dewar [00:18:04]:
you don't want to play Scrabble with Catherine. She will obliterate you. And I
Andrew Dewar [00:18:08]:
had to use that word recently, but you're
Andrew Dewar [00:18:11]:
100% right. It's that short term pain for long
Andrew Dewar [00:18:15]:
term gain instead of short term gain and
Andrew Dewar [00:18:19]:
long term pain.
Catherine Collins [00:18:20]:
That's right.
Andrew Dewar [00:18:21]:
That was really hard to say, by the way.
Catherine Collins [00:18:24]:
That shouldn't have been put on a t shirt. It was a good
Catherine Collins [00:18:27]:
one. I just remember being so amazed, and
Catherine Collins [00:18:31]:
I'm happy to share this with people today, this whole idea of coping skills, because
Catherine Collins [00:18:35]:
it seems like we should just know this much, like so many other topics
Catherine Collins [00:18:38]:
we talk about. But again, you know, our society sometimes
Catherine Collins [00:18:42]:
gets a little mixed up in the wood and the things that we value. This
Catherine Collins [00:18:46]:
is one of those things that I want to encourage people that you
Catherine Collins [00:18:50]:
can learn. It's a skill you can acquire, and it's one
Catherine Collins [00:18:53]:
that can be very helpful to you in the long term.
Andrew Dewar [00:18:57]:
It really is an important adulting
Andrew Dewar [00:19:01]:
skill that really kind of gets beat out of us very, very
Andrew Dewar [00:19:04]:
early on with, I don't know how it was for you, but growing up for
Andrew Dewar [00:19:08]:
me, and it wasn't so much necessarily for my parents, but it was society around
Andrew Dewar [00:19:11]:
me that's saying, like, you know, I'll suck it up and, like, let it go
Andrew Dewar [00:19:14]:
and all these things, and, like, those are about as effective as
Andrew Dewar [00:19:18]:
trying to solve algebra, chewing bubble gum, it just, you know, it doesn't work,
Andrew Dewar [00:19:22]:
so you just start putting it away, and then you just think, like, well, now
Andrew Dewar [00:19:25]:
I'm miserable all the time. Well, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna start
Andrew Dewar [00:19:29]:
trying to cope or I'm just gonna avoid. And it's
Andrew Dewar [00:19:32]:
easier to avoid. It's easier to crack a beer. It's easier. Easier to
Andrew Dewar [00:19:36]:
watch whatever makes you feel good in that moment, but it doesn't
Andrew Dewar [00:19:40]:
serve you in the long term. And if you're listening to us right now, it's
Andrew Dewar [00:19:43]:
because you want to get better in the long term.
Andrew Dewar [00:19:47]:
Give yourself permission to try something new, something stuck out in those lists, that list
Andrew Dewar [00:19:51]:
that we gave you, or you thought, you probably thought, you know what? I should
Andrew Dewar [00:19:54]:
try this thing or that thing. And when you
Andrew Dewar [00:19:58]:
have those moments, give yourself permission to try them. Google
Andrew Dewar [00:20:02]:
tapping, you know, like, hum to yourself in the car when that person cuts you
Andrew Dewar [00:20:05]:
off and you're like, you know, you get upset.
Catherine Collins [00:20:08]:
Think about the things you love to do as a child. Sometimes those are our
Catherine Collins [00:20:12]:
kind of very earliest things of enjoyment before
Catherine Collins [00:20:15]:
we knew what the world approved of or what
Catherine Collins [00:20:19]:
was, quote unquote good or bad or what girls or boys, quote unquote
Catherine Collins [00:20:23]:
should do, shouldn't do whatever. Think about what you really liked doing as
Catherine Collins [00:20:26]:
a kid. And oftentimes that's where you can find your
Catherine Collins [00:20:30]:
inspiration on the things that, like, sort of are innately
Catherine Collins [00:20:34]:
you that you can get back to.
Andrew Dewar [00:20:36]:
Another one that happens for me, is talking with people for
Andrew Dewar [00:20:40]:
sure about it, but helping somebody else always. And that can
Andrew Dewar [00:20:44]:
also be a bad one because if I'm not dealing with my own
Andrew Dewar [00:20:47]:
stuff, yeah, my own stuff. But there's a balance there. But,
Andrew Dewar [00:20:51]:
yeah, helping other people with their something, it doesn't matter what. It
Andrew Dewar [00:20:55]:
just, like, it lifts me up and it makes me feel like, okay, I'm doing
Andrew Dewar [00:20:59]:
good for the long term.
Catherine Collins [00:21:00]:
Well, Andrew, what action step would you give our listeners
Catherine Collins [00:21:04]:
as part of our way to sum up this coping
Catherine Collins [00:21:08]:
skills episode? What would be the first step you'd encourage someone to
Catherine Collins [00:21:11]:
take?
Andrew Dewar [00:21:12]:
I would replace the word grow up that you got told
Andrew Dewar [00:21:16]:
when you were younger with get young. I like that,
Andrew Dewar [00:21:20]:
you know, give yourself permission. You just had a nice session
Andrew Dewar [00:21:24]:
of becoming aware that you might be doing this. Awareness is
Andrew Dewar [00:21:27]:
always our first step to growth. So now the next step
Andrew Dewar [00:21:31]:
is trying something out. Doesn't matter what it is.
Andrew Dewar [00:21:35]:
Walking like we gave you. We've just been given a decent list to start
Andrew Dewar [00:21:38]:
that's not too overwhelming. Or think about what used to calm you when you were
Andrew Dewar [00:21:42]:
a kid. Like you said, that's a big one. And then
Andrew Dewar [00:21:46]:
start to carve that new neural pathway that was there a
Andrew Dewar [00:21:50]:
long time ago. And start going back to it and start going,
Andrew Dewar [00:21:53]:
okay, this person did this. I had this happen. I
Andrew Dewar [00:21:57]:
am not going to go do the thing that I always do. I'm not going
Andrew Dewar [00:22:00]:
to go, you know, shop on Amazon. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Andrew Dewar [00:22:04]:
It's just the purpose that it's serving in that moment is the issue.
Andrew Dewar [00:22:08]:
Let yourself try this new thing. And it's not going to feel right in the
Andrew Dewar [00:22:11]:
first time, probably the way you want it to, because it's not going to have
Andrew Dewar [00:22:14]:
the fast dopamine hit that your brain gets in all these other
Andrew Dewar [00:22:17]:
situations. But start to assess. Give yourself
Andrew Dewar [00:22:21]:
a week, even a couple of days to kind of go, you know, I handled
Andrew Dewar [00:22:25]:
this differently this time, and I'm not thinking about it two days later.
Andrew Dewar [00:22:29]:
In fact, if you forget to think about all of this three days later, because
Andrew Dewar [00:22:32]:
what you did worked, that's the success right there.
Andrew Dewar [00:22:36]:
And bring some consciousness to that. That way you can start
Andrew Dewar [00:22:39]:
practicing the things that work and give yourself permission to fail.
Andrew Dewar [00:22:43]:
Big thing for us at five year you is you
Andrew Dewar [00:22:47]:
have to be willing to be wrong. You have to grow, you have to be
Andrew Dewar [00:22:50]:
willing to fail, to have setbacks
Andrew Dewar [00:22:54]:
to step higher. And that is a key thing.
Catherine Collins [00:22:57]:
I love that. Those are all great updates, great
Catherine Collins [00:23:01]:
tips. I like it.
Andrew Dewar [00:23:02]:
Well, thank you for bringing this idea to us today because it's one of those
Andrew Dewar [00:23:06]:
things that you and I do, but we do forget it.
Catherine Collins [00:23:08]:
Yeah, we do forget that we had to learn it a few years ago ourselves.
Catherine Collins [00:23:12]:
And it's super helpful, and it's helpful for the kids, too.
Catherine Collins [00:23:15]:
All right. We end every episode with something called glimmers.
Catherine Collins [00:23:19]:
These are the sparkly, happy things, things that make our
Catherine Collins [00:23:23]:
lives better, easier, books that we read. Who knows? It's
Catherine Collins [00:23:26]:
random every time, but we like to end with things that
Catherine Collins [00:23:30]:
uplift us and things that we want to share with you. So, Andrew, do you
Catherine Collins [00:23:33]:
want to go first and share your glimmer?
Andrew Dewar [00:23:35]:
Sure. I was in visiting you last
Andrew Dewar [00:23:39]:
weekend, and I just got in really late last night. And my
Andrew Dewar [00:23:43]:
glimmer is I had three separate conversations with
Andrew Dewar [00:23:46]:
people and they were all very deep.
Andrew Dewar [00:23:50]:
I always joke that I'm incapable of, like, superficial conversation, but
Andrew Dewar [00:23:54]:
they're all deep conversations and I left every one of them feeling like I had
Andrew Dewar [00:23:58]:
helped them. And in turn, that made me feel pretty
Andrew Dewar [00:24:02]:
awesome. I didn't approach anybody. I'm usually, you know, I just. Because
Andrew Dewar [00:24:05]:
I know I'm not. Yeah. So I mean,
Andrew Dewar [00:24:09]:
to the point where one guy, I sat next to him the whole plane ride,
Andrew Dewar [00:24:12]:
we didn't say a word and then he offered me a
Andrew Dewar [00:24:16]:
lounge pass to, you know, chat with him. And it's really nice when
Andrew Dewar [00:24:20]:
you have, like, a five hour layover and you're like, you know, come to the
Andrew Dewar [00:24:23]:
lounge. That's a glimmer. It's just you forget sometimes that
Andrew Dewar [00:24:27]:
your energy is shifting and you have these things around you. So.
Andrew Dewar [00:24:30]:
That's my glimmer. Cathryn, what's yours?
Catherine Collins [00:24:32]:
My glimmer actually has to do with you visiting me this past weekend, too,
Catherine Collins [00:24:36]:
because it's super helpful to have a tech
Catherine Collins [00:24:40]:
nerd as my partner because you fixed
Catherine Collins [00:24:44]:
my computer. Man, you rock.
Andrew Dewar [00:24:47]:
Thank you. The Andrew ego show is
Andrew Dewar [00:24:52]:
I am.
Catherine Collins [00:24:52]:
So glimmery because this is my first time recording a
Catherine Collins [00:24:56]:
podcast on my imac. My imac is, like, a couple years older
Catherine Collins [00:24:59]:
than my laptop. It just was going so slow, like,
Catherine Collins [00:25:03]:
I wanted to fling it out the window every day, but it's so
Catherine Collins [00:25:07]:
great because I am a freelance writer as my, you
Catherine Collins [00:25:11]:
know, regular day job, and it's just so nice to have the big
Catherine Collins [00:25:15]:
screen, but it was, like, slow as a snail. Anyways, Andrew worked his magic,
Catherine Collins [00:25:19]:
spent a few hours on it, made it all fast, and I don't know what
Catherine Collins [00:25:22]:
he did, but I am so grateful because
Catherine Collins [00:25:26]:
it's been so nice. So thank you. You are my glimmer.
Andrew Dewar [00:25:29]:
Oh, thank you. That is really kind. And thank you for finding the articles for
Andrew Dewar [00:25:33]:
me to read on that.
Catherine Collins [00:25:34]:
I was like, I think this can fix it. I don't know how, but I
Catherine Collins [00:25:37]:
think this is the thing. This sounds like my problem. Figure that out. Right? Okay.
Catherine Collins [00:25:41]:
Thanks.
Andrew Dewar [00:25:43]:
And for the you tech people out there, it was. I looked at this. I'm
Andrew Dewar [00:25:46]:
like, there is no reason why this should work the way it does, but
Andrew Dewar [00:25:50]:
it did, and it's really amazing. And I'm so grateful
Andrew Dewar [00:25:54]:
that it worked because it's so nice to have the bigger screen,
Andrew Dewar [00:25:58]:
and the fact that you're recording on it for the podcast on it for
Andrew Dewar [00:26:01]:
the first time shows that it's great.
Catherine Collins [00:26:03]:
It's working great. Thank you so much.
Andrew Dewar [00:26:06]:
All right, team, thank you so much for listening, and we will see
Andrew Dewar [00:26:10]:
you next time. Good luck with your coping skills.
Catherine Collins [00:26:12]:
Bye.
Andrew Dewar [00:26:14]:
Well, thank you for listening. Remember, it doesn't matter where you've
Andrew Dewar [00:26:18]:
started from or where you're coming from. It matters where you're going.
Catherine Collins [00:26:21]:
And we are rooting for you.
Andrew Dewar [00:26:23]:
Just a reminder, we're two people on the Internet. We're not doctors
Andrew Dewar [00:26:27]:
or anything else, but we do want to help. If you feel that you
Andrew Dewar [00:26:31]:
need professional medical care, please see a licensed
Andrew Dewar [00:26:34]:
medical practitioner.