Do You Know Who is Holding You Back? Hint: It’s not who you think…

00:00:01 - Andrew Dewar

Welcome to the five year Youth podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

00:00:09 - Catherine Collins

And I'm Kat. And we promise to keep it raw, real, and relatable.

00:00:15 - Andrew Dewar

Are you ready to grow? This podcast is intended to entertain, educate, and inspire you on a personal journey towards your best self. We are in no position to give advice and our hot messes on the best of our days. Clearly, we're in no position to offer health or medical advice or really any life advice, but we want to entertain you. Just a reminder, this is not a replacement for proper medical care or therapy. If you are struggling, please seek help from a qualified health professional. Let's jump in. Hello. Today's episode is called who is holding you back? I'm going to warn you, when we started talking about this episode, there was a few examples that came to mind, and it makes me a little bit squeamish because you kind of got to get into the dirt with this one.

00:01:02 - Catherine Collins

If you get squirrely, it's a good sign.

00:01:04 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, exactly. It's like, I don't like this. But that's always the sign of growth, is when you find that initial part of you resisting a little bit. That is you saying your ego kind of going like, oh, we're about to change. And I don't fully like this because I like things to stay normal. So this is all about who's holding you back and our relationships with ourselves, life, then the people around us.

00:01:28 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, I'm glad we're talking about this, because like you said, it is a part of the growth process. And at the beginning of every episode, Andrew asks all of us, are you ready to grow? And I think for most of us, we're just like, heck, yeah, I want to grow. I want to learn more things, and I want to become my best self. And it's good we focus on the positives and what all that growth will bring. But on the path to growth, sometimes not everyone decides to come with us. And I think it's Chris Harder who has the podcast for the love of money. He always says, you're not leaving anyone behind. They're always welcome to join you on the journey, and it's never the people you think will join you. And some people you really love might not like this new version of you, or it might make them feel certain kind of way about themselves, so they might resist. And sometimes your growth changes the relationships in your life, and that can be hard.

00:02:28 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, it could be a very big challenge when you decide you want to grow and you want to change for the better of yourself or those around you. And some of those people around you don't want you to grow. They like things the way they are. It's predictable, it's calm, it's normal. But you came here to grow. I mean, you're listening to this, but not just this podcast, but the whole point of life is growth. The constant has change. So we want to get you kind of thinking this episode about the people that might be holding you back, the situations that might be holding you back, because most of these situations involve a specific person or group of people or idea of a person. And the more we can get into this, I think this is going to be a really good discussion.

00:03:16 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, there's a couple of groups of people that can hold you back. Your family is one, your friends are another society at whole. And then, Andrew, the number one person that holds you back is you. Yep. Ourselves we can point the finger at not you, you, but like me. Yeah, I hope that makes sense.

00:03:44 - Andrew Dewar

We hold ourselves back a lot, but let's just kind of dive into this because I think I know myself. Growing up, there was always the mindset of what will the neighbors think? And it was like the proverbial neighbors. I'm using air quotes here.

00:03:59 - Catherine Collins

Yeah.

00:04:00 - Andrew Dewar

That kind of got my mindset to be, I should always be aware of what people are thinking. I should always care what everybody else thinks. And part of that's survival. Right. Like, you need to belong to the tribe and fit in so that it's a very old feeling, but it doesn't serve you in all situations. It does in some, but when you're wanting to grow, holding yourself back because somebody that you don't know somewhere may not like what you're doing, it's disrespecting yourself, first of all. But I think it's a cop out.

00:04:34 - Catherine Collins

Yeah. And it takes a lot of courage to stay on the path that you want to go on, too, because there are going to be detractors. There are going to be people that kind of give you a hard time.

00:04:44 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. And there's also going to be people that don't want to see you succeed. I had a hard time with that one. I still do. But I would look at it and I would think, like, why is this bothering me? Why does it bother me so much that these people don't want me to succeed? And I spent, like, years thinking about this because I don't process things very fast, apparently. And when I got to it, it was, if I have a group of friends and we're all at a level ten and I take it up to level 100. That shows my friends that they can all do that too. They don't necessarily want to do the same things as me, but they have the ability to do it because if we're all the same and one of us does this, that means that I'm kind of leaving the pack, so to speak, and then they will want to hold you back because they can't get their head around what you're doing. And this podcast is a great example. A lot of people are like, well, why would you do that? Why would you waste your time talking about these things? And it's like, to me it's like this is my purpose, but they don't have that purpose.

00:05:47 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, it's hard when you change the dynamic of what people are used to. It reminds me of when I started doing pretty intensive therapy a few years ago. As part of my growth process, I really wanted to learn. And as part of that process I realized that I really enjoyed having peace in my life and I had a family member who we'd get into it or there'd be drama. Sometimes it's light hearted, sometimes it's not. And we would just maybe grind each other's gears the wrong way. And over time I just decided to not engage, not engage in the drama and things like that. And I remember some of the accusations were like, oh, there you go, talking in your therapy voice again, and things like that because I changed the dynamic. And so what you have to realize, and that's coming from a compassionate place, is that it's not everyone else around you that's changing. You're changing and that brings you to a different place. It's because of the decisions that you've made that the relationships that you have in your life are different. And it can be hard when that's your marriage or that's your relationship with your kids, or when you just sort of decide to prioritize yourself and your healing, it's going to have an impact on the people around you. And all of us are so used to wanting to keep the status quo and keep things the way that they are, you're going to want to just going to be so much easier to just go back to the way things were. Forget I tried to grow, guys, just erase it. Forget I tried to grow and do anything for yourself. The right thing to do is to implement the changes that you want. And again, you're never going to leave anyone behind. They're always welcome to join you on the journey, and you will start to attract friends and colleagues and people who are on a similar wavelength as you, as you take that next step.

00:07:50 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, exactly. And when you have those right people around you, you're going to move so much faster. And we're not saying that you have to shed all the people in your life to grow. What we're just saying is that there are natural ebbs and flows in relationships, and sometimes people are more prevalent in your life and sometimes they're not. And when you're growing, that might just be uncomfortable for them. But I think high school friends are a really good example of this. Sometimes is you grow up with them and they kind of just know you as that goofy kid. Not talking about myself.

00:08:28 - Catherine Collins

You were very cool back then.

00:08:30 - Andrew Dewar

I was so uncool being uncool and then trying to be cool. I still never succeeded. No, I'm just kidding. But yeah, those kids, they know you. And that's why I'm saying kids, children, they're the ones that are there when you scraped your knee, maybe in kindergarten, and they have a very old image of you that's not changing. And when you try to change who you are, it might not always sit well with people. And the key thing, I tell this to my kids all the time, and Kat and I will say it to each other, what everyone else thinks of you isn't your business. It's such a hard thing to get into your head. And easier said than done, like everything in conversation. But the more you can kind of see that, the easier it will get if you keep reminding yourself of that.

00:09:20 - Catherine Collins

Yeah. Just because there might be some struggles along the way doesn't mean it's not worth the journey. And I think we share all of this, even though it might feel a little negative at first. But to say if you want to take the next step on your growth journey, these are some things that could happen. Or if you're sort of like both feet into your growth journey and you're listening to podcasts and you're into the books and you're starting to notice some tension in the relationships around you, we're also trying to say that that is a very normal part of this process and to keep going because there is a lot of light on the other side as you're sort of mucking through this part, like society, too, and preconceived notions of how we're supposed to be. That really holds people back as well.

00:10:11 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, for sure. So I think the person, again, or a group of people in society that are holding you back. Are they? You hear about it all the time. It's like, oh, they won't let me do that. That's what they say. There's this shadow group of people called they. And I mean, they're to blame for everything in our lives. They're the reasons why we can't do this. We can't do that. Oh, we wanted to, but this and that. And I look at it like it's my ego trying to keep me in place personally, whether people are out there or not, actually holding me back. And there are going to be people that are still in a competitive mindset instead of a supportive mindset. So they might see your success or your growth as they're shrinking or their loss. And when those things happen, you have to decide if you want to be around those kinds of people. But society's got a view of how you are going to show up. And it's not that society has a view of you. It's that you have the view that society has a view of you, of how you're supposed to be, how you're supposed to show up at work every day as a parent, as a friend, as a spouse, as an everything. And that person you're saying is they won't let me change is actually you being afraid to break out of that shell of your old self.

00:11:34 - Catherine Collins

So monitor your thoughts when it comes to society and the culture you were raised in. And it can be really simple things, like, maybe you're a woman and you want to go on an international trip by yourself because no one else can take off of work and you just want to go. But let's say you call your parents and your parents are like, well, that's not safe. And it's not okay for a woman to travel alone. Or you try to tell your friends, like, that's weird. You want to take a trip by yourself. And so these are sort of the messages that we all receive. And so that's just an example. I mean, it could be anything. Like, women don't camp alone at night. I'm using women because a lot of these can be, like, sort of gendered norms that hold us back, that we have to constantly go against. And it goes both ways. So you have to really ask yourself, like, is this something I want to do? Even if everyone in my life doesn't get it, doesn't agree with it? I think most of the people in our lives don't really get what we do from work. It's hard to explain. We just do it anyway. Or there are certain cultures that they expect their children to have certain jobs or do certain things. It takes a lot of courage to step out and choose yourself and choose your own growth journey and say, this is what growth means to me. This is what happiness and success means to me. And so we're encouraging you to have that courage to step out and to recognize who's holding you back. Is it your family? Is it your friend group? Is it society at large? And you're just kind of using those excuses, and you're kind of. Yeah, yeah. That excuse makes it easy for me to not have to do this hard thing. And like Andrew said, if that's the case, then really it's you. So there are a couple of things that you can do to find out if you are holding yourself back. And Andrew probably do a better job of explaining it. And we call it limiting beliefs and how to find out what yours are.

00:13:32 - Andrew Dewar

Right? So I'm going to go through a few open ended questions, and I just want you to think of the first thing that comes to mind. And, Kat, if you have any others that come in, just jump right in with them. So let's go. Money is I can't be successful because I don't have time, because rich people are, poor people are. I can't get ahead because I can't lose weight, because I can't make new friends because. Do you have any others?

00:14:11 - Catherine Collins

I have to go to college because I can't be a writer, musician, doctor, lawyer, teacher, because I can't start a business, because I don't have enough money, because I have to have children, because I have to get married before a certain age, because I have to have.

00:14:45 - Andrew Dewar

A safe job, because I can't leave home, because I can't follow my passion.

00:14:54 - Catherine Collins

Because I can't love this person, because.

00:14:59 - Andrew Dewar

I'm not allowed to. Because I can't be happy until I can't get rich, until my kids hold me back in this way, my spouse holds me back in this area. My parents won't let me. My friends won't let me. It's not safe to succeed because in.

00:15:31 - Catherine Collins

My culture, we believe so. I have to because I am a parent, I can't. All of these things are what we call limiting beliefs. They're limiting beliefs because they stop us from our growth. And most of these things that we all hold the ideas that we have in our minds of how we should be, what we should do, who we should marry by, when, the steps that we should take to reach success. All of these things have come from outside of us and have influenced us as people, as a culture, as families, inside of friend groups. Now you have the opportunity to ask yourself, if there was no limit on what I could do, what would I do if I could do something without the support of my family, friends, significant other, what would I do if I knew I wasn't going to fail? I would. If I wasn't afraid of what would happen if it didn't work out, I would. And with those types of questions, now you start to recognize who, what, where, location, your situation, your financial situation, which aspects of you you are allowing to stop you from doing what you really want to do.

00:17:11 - Andrew Dewar

When you start discovering this stuff, there might be a certain person or a group of people or certain individuals that keep coming up. I want to give you an example of what happened to me when I was doing this a couple of years ago. I recognized that I really wanted my dad. I wanted to have his approval. I always did, but it never felt like it. I don't know if that makes sense to any other child out there, but I hope it does. I would ask my mom. It's like, well, is dad okay with this? She's like, yeah, dad's fine, but I'd never get it from him. And that was okay. So I finally got the mustered up the courage to go to him, and I drove to their house one night, and I said, look, I am doing a lot of things right now because I want your approval. And he was shocked. He had no clue that this was going on. This is how much of a head trip it was. My dad's just happy that I drove there in the night, at night to go see them. He has no clue that anything was happening, that there were things that he had told me when I was like eleven or twelve, he told me once, but it stuck. And when things like that stuck, because we all have those moments in our childhood, in our life that these little pivotal moments. And for me, it was. He told me at the time there were givers and takers, and I was being more of a taker. And I will admit, at that age, I was a 15 year old going through some really not great times, and I was probably being a little more selfish having kids in teens. I think we can all admit that we're a little bit self centered in those moments as our ego kind of sprouts up, right? Catherine? Agree with me. So I know that I'm totally normal.

00:19:03 - Catherine Collins

And you're one of the most giving and generous people I know, so if you were selfish, then you find now.

00:19:10 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, thanks. But he felt so bad because he had no clue that something like this would affect me. Right? We think about that with our own kids, and what is this one line that I said in this strange moment that sticks with them? So what I did was I confronted the problem. And it's not easy, and you're not always able to do it, because the people may have moved away, passed on, you're not in touch with them anymore. But face the issue and start to realize that maybe it's not a thing to worry about anymore. I knew where my dad was coming from, but until I had that moment, I had to get it out. And I did. But in doing so, it completely opened up our relationship in such marvelous ways. Like, I am closer to him now than I ever have been. And it's a beautiful and wonderful thing. But that's because I had this wall up of I got to do all these things to please and to make sure, and all this stuff, all this kind of baggage, for lack of a better word. And now it's gone. I know he just wants me to be happy and that defining success on my own terms is the thing that matters the most. But until I had did these kinds of questions. So what I'm saying is, if you're out there, you're going, there's no way I can approach these people. You might not be able to, but there might be someone that you feel safe enough to do that with. And it may just change your life. I know it changed mine.

00:20:43 - Catherine Collins

I love hearing that. I think that is a great way to sort of cap off this part of the podcast for you. Listening to this. What we hope that you took away is that growth is worth it. Improving yourself, working on yourself is absolutely worth it. And that you have the most control over yourself and your thoughts, and you might be holding yourself back in ways that you don't realize. So it's a good idea to take the time today to go through some of those open ended questions, see where you stand, and also take some inventory of people you surround yourself with and what you believe about society. And really good. Take some really good self reflection to ask yourself if those are things you still want to believe as you take this next step in your journey. And I think you'll notice that even just thinking differently and opening up your mind a little bit will go a long way in helping you get there.

00:21:40 - Andrew Dewar

Absolutely. I think that's very well said. Only thing I would add to that all these things that we just labeled. They're all thoughts. Unless there is somebody actually holding you in place physically, it's you that's holding yourself back, which means you can also be the one to set yourself free. And we really hope you're doing that. We support you in your journey.

00:22:05 - Catherine Collins

We do. We're always rooting for you.

00:22:08 - Andrew Dewar

Okay, so it's time for glimmers. Kat, you want to explain what glimmers are for our new listeners?

00:22:15 - Catherine Collins

Glimmers are sparkly, happy things. I feel like I always make a song, even though I'm not the singer out of the two of us, but glimmers are just the happy, fun things that make us smile during the week or we want to share with you. It could be a book, could be something we learned or watched or anything. I mean, it literally could be anything. So do you want to start with your glimmer this week?

00:22:38 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, sure. For me, this week, it's just I let go. There have been so many little things that were coming up. Like, I bought something new and it needed to be repaired. This other thing was happening. This other thing was happening, and I recognized that I was just pushing, and I'm trying to make things happen. And then yesterday morning, I woke up and I'm like, I'm just going to let it go. I'm just going to let go and see what happens. And then as soon as I did that, it was like I opened a door and everyone's like, oh, we've been trying to get in, and you've been pushing the door the wrong way this whole time. And then all these synchronicities started lining up, and I was just so grateful for it.

00:23:16 - Catherine Collins

Once you kind of let go, all the fun things started happening.

00:23:20 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. And it's such a silly thing. I'll give you one example. I have a us check that I get every month, and I go deposit it at the bank because I'm in Canada and you have to take the check in, and it's a 50 50 toss up if it's going to work or not. And if it doesn't work, it's a 45 minutes thing. And this time I got there and I had this nice check, and the teller knows me when I'm coming in. Just kind of gives that uneasy smile. And it worked instantly. Yeah, exactly. But it worked instantly. I'm like, I knew it was going to work instantly because everything else, I just kind of let go. I'm like, okay, if it takes 45 minutes, I'm fine. No, it worked right away. And just little things little invitations I've extended to people. I'm like, if they come, they come. If they don't, they don't. It's just the right things are happening. As I let go of that, kind of thinking my fingers into it and kind of like, trying to make it happen. So it's a really nice feeling. It's way more relaxed this way. I'm really hoping to keep the vibe going. How about you, Kat? What's your glimmer?

00:24:30 - Catherine Collins

Well, I love going to the thrift store. I hate going to all other stores. I am like, miss grocery pickup, target, drive up. I'm very sensitive to big places and crowds and things like that, but I will go into a thrift store. So last weekend, Saturday morning, got a surprise email. Boom. Favorite thrift store. The whole place is 50% off. So I was like, well, I know what I'm doing today. And for this whole blissful hour, I had my air pods in my ears listening to my really good mystery book. And there were tons of things in my size and really good brands. And this particular thrift store has a lot of new with tags things. I know it's not everyone's jam, but I love finding a good deal. That's just like, one of these are my thrills in life. Guys, we didn't say it was going to be cooler fun when you came, okay? These are my thrills. So, yeah, that was my glimmer. Like, my kids were having a really nice time with their dad, and so I didn't have kids with me, and I just felt like, gosh, it's been so long since I've had a whole hour to do exactly what I want, which is listen to a book and be at the thrift store at the same time. That's what my heaven looks like.

00:25:49 - Andrew Dewar

Nice. I it. Well, I'm glad you had a nice thrift shopping experience. Sounds like you got some good finds.

00:25:55 - Catherine Collins

Thank you. I did.

00:25:56 - Andrew Dewar

Hey, thanks for listening. Remember, it doesn't matter where you come from. It only matters where you're going.

00:26:02 - Catherine Collins

As always, we're rooting for you to.

00:26:05 - Andrew Dewar

Stay up to date on the podcast, hit, subscribe wherever you listen, and follow us on social media at five year.

This podcast transcript was generated by AI and has not been verified for its content or its accuracy. One day we will have enough to hire someone to read and edit this. Hey wait! Maybe that's you since you've made it to the end of this transcript. Thanks for reading.