When You’re Feeling Behind

00:00:00 - Andrew Dewar

Welcome to the show. Our intention for you today is that you'll hear this. And if you've been feeling behind in your day, week, month or even life, this will give you some peace of mind and let you know that you are exactly where you are meant to be. Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

00:00:24 - Catherine Collins

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw, real and relatable.

00:00:29 - Andrew Dewar

Are you ready to grow? This podcast is intended to entertain, educate and inspire you on a personal journey towards your best self. We are in no position to give advice and are hot messes on the best of our days. Clearly, we're in no position to offer health or medical advice or really any life advice, but we want to entertain you. Just a reminder, this is not a replacement for proper medical care or therapy. If you are struggling, please seek help from a qualified health professional. Let's jump in. How you doing, Cat?

00:01:02 - Catherine Collins

I'm doing well. How are you?

00:01:04 - Andrew Dewar

I'm doing good. So we're just talking about this episode and you just wrote an email about it. But I really do like it when you're feeling behind. And I think as achievers, I like to label myself that whether I am or not is up for a debate.

00:01:21 - Catherine Collins

But when you are.

00:01:23 - Andrew Dewar

Thanks. I always feel like I'm behind. And it doesn't matter if I do a million things in a day or nothing, that feeling is ever present in my life. Do you feel like that? Or do you feel like you're on top of everything?

00:01:36 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, yeah, no, I wrote, you know the answer to that. I am definitely not. I definitely. I never feel like the work is then I always feel behind. And that's why I wrote that email today. Because what I said in the very beginning of the email is the feeling that I hate the most is the feeling of being behind. This comes in all categories. Like, I love being on time to places and bringing the kids to school. I love being on time. And when I feel like I'm not, I get very overwhelmed and stressed. And then when I'm overwhelmed and stressed, I'm cranky. To everybody in my life. I gave the example of like times behind on the housework. Sometimes I feel behind on the laundry, sometimes I feel behind on my work, which happens often. You know, sometimes I feel behind in my self care. Like I'll look down and be like, oh my God, I need to shave my legs or something like that, you know, but sometimes it's all of them at once. And it can be so hard to know where to start, because once you feel overwhelmed, things start shutting down.

00:02:45 - Andrew Dewar

Right. So I can definitely relate to that. Not the shaving legs part, but other things.

00:02:52 - Catherine Collins

Yeah. You know, learn something new about you.

00:02:54 - Andrew Dewar

I'm not big on shaving my own legs, but, yeah, I find that when we are feeling like that, when we're feeling that overwhelm, it kind of becomes pervasive. But I honestly, I'm hearing you talk about it, and I'm reflecting as we're going through this, and I'm thinking, like, have I ever felt, like, caught up? You know, we talk about feeling behind, and it's like. But the opposite feeling is caught up. And I don't know if I've ever felt like, ah, okay, we're good. Now I can. I can coast for a little bit. I don't think I've ever felt that. Have you?

00:03:29 - Catherine Collins

No. And I. But it could be. I know you and I. So, interesting tidbit. Andrew and I are the same. Myers Briggs, four letters. We're both INFJ. So, interestingly, there's, like, less than 1% of the population. That is that combination. We're both that, but we're also both achievers on the enneagram. And I think just that achiever mentality is if there's time, you can always do more, and then there's, like, never enough time. And so I think for us, the biggest challenge is having, like, a defining start and end to the work day, learning how to shift focus and be present with our kids. And that can be challenging, because the reason that we feel behind is because of the expectations we place on ourselves. We have said many times, like, we've done a whole episode on. One of the biggest reasons that relationships have hard times is because of expectations we place on the other person, but we also place expectations on ourselves. Oh, I should be doing this, or I should be looking this way, or I should be this way, or I should be further along. Because feeling behind isn't just a day to day thing. It's also a thing many people feel in life as they're comparing themselves to other people their same age and, you know, maybe someone else, I don't know, sold their company or owns a huge house, and you don't. And so you feel behind, like you should be further along.

00:04:56 - Andrew Dewar

Right. And I'll tell you this, because I tell you this all the time when we work, you really need to stop shitting on yourself. So, seriously, it's the worst word in the human language. Well, I'm sure there's other ones that we can't say on this podcast, but that's it. Like, we go through life saying should, and who is that should based on something you either inside of you or outside of you, has come up and you've believed that you need to be a certain way, have a certain thing, do a certain thing. I think what needs to come up is that check in of going, wait, do I actually want this? Do I actually want to build a company that I sell? Do I actually want to have the big house, that fancy car? Or is that actually going to stress me out? Is that actually going to fill my buckets? Or is it going to leave me feeling even worse because now I have a house that I have to pay for and take care of and all the things, or I have to have this car, and now everywhere I park with this car, I'm going to be worried that somebody is going to scratch it. I think there's a lot to be said about kind of looking at things going, does that really resonate with me?

00:06:00 - Catherine Collins

So I think that that is a good strategy for sure.

00:06:03 - Andrew Dewar

Well, yeah, it just becomes that self reflection. Right? And we talk about this a lot together. And when you're creating your five year you, it's all about authenticity. It's not about what the Joneses have, it's about what you want. And those two things I can guarantee you are miles apart when you start actually getting to who you actually are, like we talked about in the layers of life episode, you know, when you get to your soul, when you get to who you are, maybe you aren't the achiever you think you are. Maybe you're doing that because you're trying to please everyone around you so that you look good for everyone else, but really you just want to wear sweatpants and t shirts all day, he said wearing sweatpants and t shirts all day, so.

00:06:48 - Catherine Collins

Well, no, and I appreciate that. And I think that's a really good exercise. And I have said before on this podcast, but I'll share it again, the ultimate feeling that I want to have as my five year self is common peace. And when I feel behind on all the things, I am not getting closer to that feeling I want to have. And so I've really had to implement a lot of different strategies that might be helpful to other people. So taking it on a broader sense, let's say I'm feeling behind in life. I can easily, and I have many times before, beat myself up. There's a lot of this inside of me that's like, oh, I had those things. And then I got divorced, and I kind of had to start over. And I can kind of go down that, like, victim path of, like, I had the beautiful house and I had, you know, this little Pinterest family with the boy girl twin had these things, and then I didn't. Or I can use all the skills that I know and I have, and instead of looking at what I don't have, I can sit here and start to go through this gratitude thing. It's like I feel behind because I'm not where I used to be. But do I have a safe home? Yes. Do I live in a safe neighborhood? Yes. Are my children in a good school? Yes. Are we all healthy? Yes. Do I have food on the table every night? Yes. You know, do I have work that I love? Yes. Not a lot of people can say that. Even people who make 100 times as much as me, ten times as much as me, can't say that. We love what we do. And so that is, like, a bigger scale when I get to the day to day granular things of, like, oh, my God, I have three articles due today, and we got to record a podcast, and we got to send it. And I'm like, I have to know where to start for me. And maybe you can talk, like, there's a couple of different strategies when you're dealing with this massive, like, pile of stuff that you just have to do in this 3d world, because there are a couple of different ways you can handle it, depending on what works for you. So why don't you give some ideas on those day to day overwhelms?

00:08:57 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. When we were talking about this before the show, but the one big one that always came up, and it's like one of the first personal achievement growth books that I ever read was eat that frog by Brian Tracy. And it's like, 21 ways to get more done. And he recommends every morning you eat the frog, which is the worst thing, the biggest thing that you have to do that day. You do it right out of the gate because you have the whole day in front of you. You have the energy, whole bunch of reasons for it, and that way you go through the rest of the day knowing that you've eaten that frog. The problem is that we've talked about is not everyone is like that. There's somebody on this podcast that's really not like that, and it's not me. And that's good, though, because, you know.

00:09:43 - Catherine Collins

That that's just not what works for me. Yeah. It's just I use this all the time. I learned it from a graduate school professor. I remember in grad school, we had to write several papers every week. You know, you read, like, a book a week. You write a paper. But in each class, I remember telling her, like, I'm just, like, overwhelmed. Like, I don't even know how I'm going to get all these words done. And she was like, just throw some words on the page. Start with one sentence that have to make sense. Don't have to be pretty, just start writing. Because for me personally, because when I get overwhelmed, I step into procrastination, and I know this about myself. So for me personally, getting from zero to one is a massive, massive. And so what works for me is to get started to go from zero to one. I cannot start with the frog. I have to start with whatever the cricket, you know, like, is that smart? Smaller than a frog. I have to pick the tiniest thing because it's like the big boulder chasing Indiana Jones. Like, in order to get that first push, I've got to do something small to, like, start the ball rolling. Then I have energy in motion, and it stays in motion. I will never go from zero to the biggest thing that would block me all day.

00:11:02 - Andrew Dewar

Right. Well, that's good that you know that about yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, I just like to make mention right now that Catherine made a movie reference, which probably will never happen again on this show.

00:11:12 - Catherine Collins

So are you so proud of me? I knew that the boulder went with Indiana Jones and everything.

00:11:19 - Andrew Dewar

You knew it was a movie, too. Not a tv show, not Star wars. It was really, really impressive.

00:11:23 - Catherine Collins

I did.

00:11:24 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. That's super cool. Kudos.

00:11:27 - Catherine Collins

Thank you. I will carry that compliment with me all day, guys, I am the worst at movie conversation. If you're like, oh, have you seen that movie? I promise you, the answer is no. If you're like, oh, yeah, that actor was in this. I love this actor. I have no idea who you're talking about. And Andrew loves the movies. He's the opposite.

00:11:44 - Andrew Dewar

He knows every movie.

00:11:47 - Catherine Collins

He's like, watch all. And I'm just like, he can sound like the funniest person in the world and just make movie references all day. And I have no idea.

00:11:53 - Andrew Dewar

I am only funny to Catherine because I am literally ripping off every movie that I've seen and making it my.

00:11:59 - Catherine Collins

Own, and I have no idea.

00:12:00 - Andrew Dewar

It works for myself, too. Like, I find for my days, I don't often do the biggest task force first thing. I find that I'll I like to say follow my muse, but it's not always like, the things that are great. Sometimes it's like, you know, there's grunt work that needs to happen. There's this, there's that. I just know that when I get to eating the frog, I have to have momentum getting to that.

00:12:25 - Catherine Collins

Yeah.

00:12:25 - Andrew Dewar

So even if it's like you said, you know, like just doing, like, putting that first line on the page and then that gets you going, or if it's, you know, I know that I don't have enough time to get into the big thing just yet, then I'll do that. But I don't think there's a right way. One of the things I've been really examining in my life right now is how there's not a right way for everyone. There is the right way for you. And I used to kind of feel like a fair weather learner, I'll call it, where it's like, you know, I go try this diet and. And it doesn't work. But, you know, I would go all in on it for maybe a week to a year just trying to see how it goes. Sometimes things stuck and sometimes things don't. But I would be really hard on myself because I'd label everything as a failure. Now I'm kind of coming at things and going again, trying to be the scientist of my own life and look at things and go, okay, well, does this make sense for me? All I can do is figure out what's working for me and share it with you and our listeners and our readers so that they understand, okay, I'm doing this. I also tried these other things and it didn't work. So I have tried doing the biggest task in the morning. Some days that works, most days it's like I'm just shaking my head and staying in bed. I'm like, yeah, that's not really for me, but it's really important that you know yourself. I mean, that's where it all kind of comes back to.

00:13:53 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, I think that's what we are encouraging people to do all the time in this podcast is just have a very keen sense of self awareness. We do a lot of different things for work, and a big part of my work day is writing articles as a freelance writer. And there are some days where I have to write 3000 words for a client or send an email to our email list, and some days I have to do all three. So for me, personally, I'm much more likely to go by the length of time the task takes. So I'll start with an email which takes me like 1520 minutes. Then I'll edit, which goes faster. And then, you know, the big task, I am not going to sit down and write 3000 words in one swoop. So I'll do some on it before I pick up my kids from school. Then I'll pick it up after while one of them's in an activity. Then after they go to bed, I'll do another hour and then it'll be done. I guess I could do the easier task at the end, but like I get more energy at night for work. That's just how I am. And everybody's different.

00:14:50 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. And I see, I kind of look at that and I think to me that makes sense because especially for the longer task and breaking it up because your brain can work on things in the background while you're working on stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like you're, if you're writing an article, you can, you're mentally processed and stuff. That's how I work. And kind of leaves room for inspiration to come in too. So when we're talking about feeling behind, I want to go back to what you were saying before about like in life, life has ups and downs. We all know that. We've both experienced ups and we've, we're coming out of some downs and we're, I hope we're going back up. Feels like where we've ever been. It does feel like it's been a good year for all of that so far. What would you say to somebody who is kind of on that downward trajectory and they're just like they're suffering from comparison syndrome. They're looking at what everyone else has because you're so inspirational when you talk about things. So I really could just, I can just sit here now. And now that I've set you up.

00:15:54 - Catherine Collins

It'S a very nice thing to say, but honestly, the thing that came to mind is actually one of your analogies, which is to step outside of the painting. Right. And to take a look in. What we mean by that is like when you're in the painting, you're looking all around and you don't feel like you're measuring up. All of us, we get so impacted by whatever societal messages are coming in, cultural norms from how we grew up. And it can be really hard if you feel like you're not measuring up to that. But if you step outside of the painting and you start to think about it and you really give yourself time to question everything you've been taught everything that society tells us means that you equal success. And you ask yourself some questions like, well, who the heck made up these rules? And maybe the rules are fake, and maybe people just follow this path because it's just what everyone else has done, because no one else has tried something else. And if you do try something else, you're often shunned. Or people say, that's crazy because it's so much safer and easier to go along the prescribed path. So if anyone's feeling like that on the downward trajectory. Pause, take a step back. Why do I feel this way? Who told me that I'm behind? Where am I getting that message from? And kind of going through that list of gratitude of reasons you're okay. And then once you get a little bit, like you're feeling better mentally as you're going through it, like, wait a second, I don't have to do any of those things. What do I want? How do I want to live? And now what do I need to do to get there? Then you're living with authenticity. You're living from the inside out, and then that's where true happiness comes.

00:17:49 - Andrew Dewar

Wow. You got all that from my painting analogy? That was impressive. I think most of the stresses that come from us, we don't question them. Right. And so when you're saying, I feel behind, we can look at it and go, oh, you know what? Yeah. Like, they just got this thing, or this person's going here. This person's doing that. When you're comparing yourself to somebody else, you're only comparing that thing that you want. You're not comparing the job that they have to go to. Their upbringing, their past, their whole life has led them to that moment of having that thing you want. You can have that thing. But to be hard on yourself and go, oh, they. They got to go here. They got to have that. And I didn't. I'm behind. You know, they could be 15 years older than you. They could have parents that are well off and they have a dress button. You just don't know. And there's nothing wrong with those things. It's just kind of. You're not acknowledging the full details of it.

00:18:47 - Catherine Collins

Right. You don't know how people arrived to where they did. I'll tell you a good example of that. And it's something that happened this week. You know, there's these very common things that kind of circle around the Internet, like how much money you should have saved and invested at each age in order to retire successfully. Right. And so, of course, every time I look at those, I'm like, oh, well, I'm definitely not at whatever this person says I should be at this age. And in order to prevent myself from going down the rabbit hole of, well, I would have been there if all these things wouldn't happen. And then I just make myself feel worse. I just like to step outside of the painting and say, these numbers are for people that are going through the very step by step prescribed life, which is great. It's a great way to plan, great way to do, these are for people who plan to work, retire at 65. This is how much money they need and this period of inflation to make sure that they're okay and safe at a certain age. But then I tell myself, you know, like, you don't have to follow this step by step guide. You don't have to have all of these things that they say you can arrive at. You know, there are other things that you can do. As we like to say, when you're self employed, your income is limitless. It's sort of like there is no cap on it and any number of things could happen. Now, of course, I work towards that. I don't just sit back and say, oh, this step by step is not for me. I just sit back and say, well, I know that I would like to invest more. I would know that I would like numbers closer to this or better, but I'm going to have to arrive at it a different way, too. But there's no quote unquote, like catch up. Like, nobody gets to set the rules of what it's supposed to be. Anything can happen at any time, right? In a good way.

00:20:35 - Andrew Dewar

So two things again that come to mind when you are looking back and going, well, if this had happened and that had happened, the thing that always comes up is I find that that's such a, because I do it, too. And it's like, well, what happens if I had done this or that or whatever, or things hadn't changed? It kind of takes you out of where you are because it's making you feel bad for where you are. And the whole point of life is to feel good. And the better you feel in the moment, the better things tend to happen to you. The other thing is, and I say this as somebody who has written that article, too, I know you have because you've pretty much written about every financial thing under the sun at this point. Those things are stupid because what they need to talk about is that. And I'm sorry, I'm going to, you know, I just bought a new soapbox I'd like to get up on right now, what they're talking about, it has nothing to do with how much you have. It has everything to do with how much you spend, your plans for the future in that spending, and how much you have. So if I'm living off $500 living in a cardboard box under a bridge, and the only time I spend money is to go to the laundry to wash my shirt every day because I only have the one shirt, maybe I only need $500 a month to sustain myself. Terrible imagery. I'm just cranking them out today. Sorry, folks, they won't get any better. And.

00:21:55 - Catherine Collins

But if I can confirm, yes, it's my goal every day to get him to snort like, yes, success. This is what success feels like.

00:22:13 - Andrew Dewar

This is what the good feels like. But if I'm so happy for both of us, and so if I need to follow Taylor Swift around the country or the world and see every one of her concerts and stay in hotels and private flights, well, then I'm going to need a little bit more than the 1.5 million that that article says that I need or the 3 million or whatever it is right now, because that's a huge difference. And what we have to accept when we read those things is they're really good at provoking you to kind of think about it. But you need to know your numbers with that stuff. All right, I'm just going to put the box away and I'll get down now. Thank you.

00:22:52 - Catherine Collins

Well, okay, so I want to kind of bring it all back together, and I want to leave with some actionable tips. So this episode is called when you're feeling behind. What we recommend for the day to day feelings of overwhelm is to do a little internal search and find out what method of tackling that to do list works for you. Again, for some people, it might be starting with the biggest task, long as other people like myself like to start out with the little bite size things to get the momentum going. But, you know, just know that you just have to get started. And whatever order you take your tasks, that will help you, and it will take this big feeling of overwhelming and break it down into smaller bite sized steps. Regarding the feeling of feeling behind in life, I want you just know that everybody feels that way. Everyone feels like they should be further along. And just to take the time, as we always say, to think about the five year version of you, think about what you really, really want and to do the things in your life that lead you towards that place of authenticity. Remember, the rules are fake. There's no prescribed path. There's no milestones you have to hit by a certain time. You are not behind. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and you need to live the life that you want to pursue whatever that looks like for you.

00:24:13 - Andrew Dewar

Well said.

00:24:14 - Catherine Collins

Thanks.

00:24:15 - Andrew Dewar

I'm doing my best to keep quiet right now. My analogies have been off. I'm snorted. I just. We'll go to glimmers, I think.

00:24:24 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, that seems like a safe bet, but you never know. So go ahead. Let's see.

00:24:28 - Andrew Dewar

So for those of you who are not aware, glimmers are these little things that bring us joy and just light us up inside. And it can be anything from, you know, finding a penny to something much, much bigger. But every episode, we'd like to share something that lit us up. And I'm gonna go hand it off to Cat because she's laughing at something. So what you got, Kat?

00:24:51 - Catherine Collins

Man, I just had the best glimmer last week, and as it was happening, I was like, oh, this is so gonna be my glimmer. So I was traveling last week. I was flying on a plane. First of all, I never can sleep on planes, but this time I did. So now. Never say never, folks. So I was so tired, and I curled up in a little ball and I fell asleep on the plane. Joyous. Then I woke up. This is a double glimmer, people. Then I woke up, and the guy next to me said, I got you cookies. You were sleeping when the snack cart came by, and I put the cookies in your little pocket. And I'm like, you did? Thank you so much. He was like, well, yeah, you know, I know. It's, like, not fun to miss the snack cart. Everyone likes cookies. I'm like, everyone does like cookies. Thank you. And I just thought that was so freaking thoughtful.

00:25:41 - Andrew Dewar

That is really, really nice. That's a good glamour. And, yeah, those cookies are amazing. And it really does suck when you, like, doze off for 20 minutes and you wake up and you're like, oh, man, I've.

00:25:51 - Catherine Collins

You know, I've never. So now I'm going to do that for other people because I've never thought about doing that for somebody. And now I'm. Listen, it was just so nice to wake up and have a cookie.

00:26:00 - Andrew Dewar

So nice. How about you, Mike Limmer? This week is, you know, as I. As I grow right now, I'm making new friends, and I'm going on a lot of different podcasts and meeting people. But one of my friends who's fairly new. Willie Joe. You know, we've talked about him before. He got stuck in his head like I do all the time, and he reached out and I thought that was great and I was able to help him and I, you know, it wasn't anything big. It was just kind of a quick chat, kind of getting things out, because you know how I am. You've worked with me long enough that once I get in my head, it's. My head is the worst place to live. I charge myself rent there. Again, that's a terrible analogy. That's three for three. Hopefully they're out, but, yeah. So what happened, though, was the glimmer part of that helping him was great. It felt. It always feels good to help somebody. But what I told my son this morning was because he met him on our trip down south, I said, like, you know, it's not just about you having problems and feeling like you can go talk to someone. It's giving that other person the ability to help you, and that makes them feel amazing, too. So you solve your problem, they feel great for helping, whether I actually helped or not. Sometimes you just have to talk it out loud with another person. And so that was my glimmer, was just kind of knowing that.

00:27:21 - Catherine Collins

I love that. That's so nice. And it's nice with new friends, too, when you feel like you've reached that level of trust where they'll reach out and talk to you when they need something. So I love that.

00:27:30 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. Because that's what I want. I want friends that I can be vulnerable with. They can be vulnerable with me, and we can actually talk about stuff rather than be superficial, which is not my issue, not your job, I can't be superficial. We know that. So, yeah, if. If you're listening and you're thinking, okay, what do I do? Moving forward from this, first of all, find the way that works best for you and be willing to try new things. Try doing the smallest thing first. Get started. Eat that frog. Whatever makes sense to you. Give it a try. And whenever you are looking at your life and going, oh, I'm so far behind, everyone else, know that you're not. Know that you are exactly where you're supposed to be. Think about all the things you've overcome already because that's a big deal. Just keep walking your path. And like Cat said, the rules are fake, so make your own up.

00:28:21 - Catherine Collins

I love it. Thanks for listening, everyone. Have a great day.

00:28:24 - Andrew Dewar

Take care, everyone. Well, thank you for listening. Remember, it doesn't matter where you started from or where you're coming from. It matters where you're going, and we.

00:28:34 - Catherine Collins

Are rooting for you.

00:28:37 - Andrew Dewar

The second you start comparing yourself to somebody else, you've lost. You've absolutely lost. Because I can guarantee you one of two things. You're not comparing your whole life to them. You are taking the sliver of almond on the top of the tart. And that's a terrible analogy. I'm going to do that again.

00:28:53 - Catherine Collins

Almond on a tart? What are you talking about?

00:28:57 - Andrew Dewar

I don't know. Okay, so sorry, Steve, we're going to go again.

00:29:01 - Catherine Collins

No, I can guarantee you leave them.

00:29:05 - Andrew Dewar

They can't all be gems.

00:29:09 - Catherine Collins

You leave in that terrible analogy. Okay.