The 60 Second Rule

Andrew Dewar [00:00:00]:

Do you find yourself obsessing and talking about the same thing over and over again in your relationships, needing closure and just not able to get it? We want to introduce you to the 60 second rule, and it's been really good at helping us change how we talk about things and more importantly, moving on from topics and being able to let things go. Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

Catherine Collins [00:00:30]:

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw, real, and relatable.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:36]:

Are you ready to grow? Catherine, how are you doing today?

Catherine Collins [00:00:40]:

I'm doing great. How are you?

Andrew Dewar [00:00:42]:

I'm back in Canada again and doing the whole podcast thing, and I'm really excited. It's been a good couple of weeks off and really excited about this topic.

Catherine Collins [00:00:51]:

Me, too. How do you want to get started? Do you want to just share? Because a 60 second rule was your idea that you came up with, and it's been really, really helpful. Do you want to share, like, what it is or why it's a good tool that people can maybe use this tip for themselves?

Andrew Dewar [00:01:08]:

Absolutely. So the 60 second rule is I find myself. I get stuck in loops. Like, there's. I think we all have triggers and we all have these things that kind of. If you go down that neural pathway or those habits, things get triggered. You don't necessarily solve anything. It's kind of like you just.

Andrew Dewar [00:01:26]:

You're rehashing old things that don't have a solution or just aren't going to be solved. What the 60 second rule is, is sometimes you get triggered. Sometimes things upset you. Sometimes there are things around you that you just. You need to let that emotion or that topic that's inside of you come out so that you can kind of just go, I'm done. Exhale. Let's move on. The 60 second rule is essentially giving yourself, and if there's someone else with you, with doing conversing around this, to just let it come out and then let it go so that you can move on with the day, rather than getting stuck in a loop of, you know, I feel this way.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:06]:

Well, this is your fault for feeling that way. It's nothing to do with me. Well, you're right, but I still feel this way. It's kind of getting out of that and going, look, this is making me feel like this. I accept. It's how I am. I just need to communicate it, because if I sit on this and leave it trapped inside of me, it becomes a trapped emotion. It becomes a trapped topic.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:24]:

Then there's going to be resentment that builds up. I'm not going to feel like I'm heard, and all these things happen. So it can be 60 seconds. It can be an hour if you really want to. It just depends on how you want to handle it. I find 60 seconds good for me because it's enough to get out the issue without diving into the issue that I already know exists.

Catherine Collins [00:02:43]:

Yeah. And this is sort of closely related to a podcast topic that we did. And this is a phrase we use all the time with each other, and it's sympathy or solutions. And for the most part, what people want when they're upset about something, when we're all triggered by something, when something just irritates the fire out of us, we just want to be heard, and we want someone to say, it's going to be okay. And the sympathy or solutions podcast, you can search that and find it. It's basically when you're upset about something or complaining to your partner or a friend, or maybe your child is telling you something. All of us want to jump in and fix something. That's a solution.

Catherine Collins [00:03:27]:

Except most people are really looking for the sympathy. So by asking, do you want sympathy or solutions, you can tell someone what you need in the moment. So sometimes with Andrew, if I'm like, oh, I'm so frustrated with this computer and it's doing this and it's going slow, he can say, do you want sympathy or solutions? And really in that moment, maybe I want Andrew's tech brain to give me a solution to fix my tech problems.

Andrew Dewar [00:03:51]:

Or other times, I just have to say, I hear that you want to bring out the lighter fluid and light the computer on fire, but that's probably not the most productive thing for today.

Catherine Collins [00:03:59]:

So, yeah, so when someone's upset about something, giving them the time and space to say what they're upset about allows you to then move on to comfort or solutions. And I feel like couples mostly are the ones that can benefit from this. Andrew, you'll hear people say a lot. I've heard friends say this like, they, my spouse, my partner complains about work all the time. They come home grumpy, and they're just upset about this person or this boss or this coworker. You know, it can wear on people. You know, you kind of look forward to seeing your person, and then they're kind of grumpy. And so it doesn't have to be 60 seconds.

Catherine Collins [00:04:37]:

That's just what works for us. But by sort of bringing this out into the open and just saying, like, hey, this is sort of ruining our evening each night. This is hard to listen to. Give me 60 seconds. What is the most annoying thing that coworker did today? And then you can give your partner a hug. That sucks. That's super annoying. Do you want to, I don't know, draw their face on a piece of paper and crumple it up? You know, what do you want to do but just kind of acknowledging it? But, I mean, I think for most of us, it's just about moving through the emotion is what we need.

Andrew Dewar [00:05:10]:

Yeah, I agree with you. And just a couple of things that came up as you were saying that the first thing is we've been talking about super communicators, the new book that's been out this year, and it's getting pretty popular from what I'm seeing. So we have emotional conversations. We have solution based conversations, then we have social based conversations. And when you try. Try to introduce an emotional conversation into a social conversation, it may not resonate. And so it's kind of being able to know which of those three lanes you're in in that conversation. And the 60 second rule is kind of coming out and going, look, this is an emotional thing.

Andrew Dewar [00:05:46]:

Please don't solve it. Just let me vent about my coworker.

Catherine Collins [00:05:49]:

Get it out.

Andrew Dewar [00:05:50]:

Yeah. And when it comes to that kind of venting, in particular, when you come home from work, when you come home from an event or whatever where you've been with people that trigger you and you get back and you're like, okay, I am feeling a certain way. I accept that you're not going to be able to fix anything because the problem isn't lying with you. It's a problem that I just need to get out of me and kind of go put it on the shelf or burn it on a piece of paper or whatever you need to do, but when you're able to kind of communicate that before you start in, it's a lot easier because I think naturally we want to avoid or eliminate problems. So when somebody comes and says, I have this emotional issue, the other person is like, oh, I need to solve that for you. I know I'm very much guilty of that. And I have to accept that, you know, this isn't about me doing anything except for listening, which kind of puts me off the hook for that kind of thing. Or, you know, you can ask the person, like, what do you need from me at the end of that? And that can also help.

Andrew Dewar [00:06:49]:

So I think with the 60 second rule, when we start to really dig into it, it's kind of like a commercial break, right? You're having a good time. If somebody might say something that triggers you or you get home from work or whatever it is, and it's just knowing that if you really, really get out of yourself, which has been really big for me lately, is just stepping outside myself, looking at myself, and going, what the heck are you going through right now? Rather than being trapped inside the brain and going like, oh, this is reality. When it's not, when you can look at yourself from an outside perspective and go, look, you're caught in a loop right now, and you are thinking, you know, somebody ate my gummy bears, and I want my gummy bears, and I don't have my gummy bears, and this is really unfair that I don't have my gummy bears, and nobody's gonna listen to me talk about my gummy bears, and now I want candy, you know? But when you get that chance to kind of just go like, you know, somebody ate my stuff, I'm angry. I'm upset. This isn't right. I don't know what will make it right. You can get a lot out in 60 seconds. And it's not necessarily being an explosive communication.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:53]:

It's just no coming through. Things going like, this is how I'm feeling right now. And it may not be rational or logical, but, you know, often our thoughts aren't rational or logical.

Catherine Collins [00:08:03]:

And that goes back to a good point. It's like, why do we want to solve things? It's because, by and large, humans are very uncomfortable with challenging feelings. It's the same thing. Like, if you have little kids, they start crying, you, of course, your instant reaction is to. You want to soothe them. Especially for. For me, I have very, like, sensory sensitive. So the second I hear, like, a baby crying or something, I just instantly am just like, oh, my gosh, let's help this baby.

Catherine Collins [00:08:35]:

Even my kids, who are ten at the time of this recording, you know, when they're upset, we're all so uncomfortable with the challenging feelings or the quote unquote negative feelings. And a big part of what we do here at five year u is to say the most important thing we can do is, first of all, to be authentic to ourselves. And the other thing is to make sure that we feel our feelings, and we're not the only one saying this. Of course, there's been tons of research about how feelings and emotions that don't come out get trapped in the body. They can lead to a lot of discomfort, illness, disease. And so the biggest thing that we're trying to do is to take these negative feelings and get them out and also be the type of person who can handle negative feelings on the other end, and instead of getting wrapped up in them. Orlando. We say, like, getting wrapped up in the drama or whatever, that we support the other person, and we're not always perfect with this at all.

Catherine Collins [00:09:35]:

But the 60 second thing is, like, sort of a good starting point to acknowledge that we want to have a good day, that we don't want to stay on this topic that is uncomfortable or brings up all these triggers for longer than we have to be. But we also are trying to acknowledge the other person's feelings and do whatever we need to do, comfort, reassure, whatever it is a skill that has to be learned. And it's what I'm still working on for sure.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:02]:

Oh, yeah. Likewise. I think we're. We're always growing into it. If there's an issue that comes up, because you and I all have those, we'll be working and talking about something, and it'll just like, you know, you might say something that irks me, and I might say something that irks you, and it's not intentional. It's kind of like all the other stuff is outside of it. But when you can approach things with something being irksome, which, you know, sucks, but it's kind of being able to acknowledge that and go like, look, this happened, and I know it's not you. I know it's not something you said or did, but I'm acknowledging that, you know, I don't know.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:39]:

The imagery that I just got is like. It's like when you swallow a bug, it's like you have two choices in.

Catherine Collins [00:10:46]:

That moment so often, but go on.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:48]:

Well, no, you know, it's like we've all had that ugly moment where a fly or some sort of, some sort of thing comes into your mouth, and what do you do? You spit it out right away. You get it out of you so that you don't swallow it and digest it and have to deal with the remaining uncomfort, which might be. It might be gross to spit it out in that moment, but when you swallow it, you are suffering from this discomfort. Yeah, exactly. Like, you are literally swallowing a bug, and you're like, this is. This is gross. This doesn't feel good. I don't like this.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:20]:

But what happens is that bug that you could have just spit out, but you were afraid of looking foolish. You now have this problem that you are internalizing, and you're going into your emotional garage and you're putting it somewhere, and suddenly you're going to come back to that thing a day, week, month, year later. And it's not going to be a 60 second conversation. It's going to be weeks, because that bug went and made this nice little.

Catherine Collins [00:11:44]:

Nest of, oh, this analogy is growing.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:48]:

And it gets bigger and bigger, and, you know, you don't want to deal with that. So this is. This is my way of convincing people to spit the bug out.

Catherine Collins [00:11:56]:

And spit the bug out.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:57]:

Yeah, it's better that way.

Catherine Collins [00:11:59]:

I really like that analogy. Yeah. I would say that we use a combination of tools, and whenever a hard moment comes up, and this 60 second rule is just going into the tool belt, I would say the first thing that we like to do just to give people other tips is benefit of the doubt is a huge one. It's sort of like, you know, your spouse, your partner, your best friend, your kids, like, you know, they're good people, right? You know, that they would never intentionally, on purpose try to hurt you. And so when you have a challenging moment, or maybe if I say something and it has the wrong tone because I didn't sleep well enough or I haven't had my fourth cup of coffee or whatever, whatever it is, the first reaction that we try to do is give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Like, Cat's a good person, Andrew's a good person. They're normally not rude or cranky or whatever kind of came across that way, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Right? And then the next thing, like, if it festers, if it bothers you, and you can just say, hey, 60 second rule.

Catherine Collins [00:13:05]:

I just want to talk, like, earlier, you had a tone, and I tried to let it go. I know you didn't mean it, but it's still bothering me, so I just wanted to mention it because I wanted to spit the bug out, basically. Right. And then, like, sort of that last step is what we call, like, getting in the boat. Some people say, like, getting in the car together, right. It means that we're a team. And so when you get in the boat, get in the car together, it means, I support you. I heard you.

Catherine Collins [00:13:32]:

I acknowledge what you're saying. And then do you need sympathy or solutions? And so it seems like a lot of steps, and it seems like a lot of things to put together, but our goal for ourselves and what we try to teach others is that overdose time, you can develop into a very emotionally aware and emotionally regulated person who instead of flying off the handle and stuff like that, we have all these different imageries and tools to use to work together to manage any disruptions that come up.

Andrew Dewar [00:14:03]:

I think that's a great way of looking at it. Now the question becomes, what happens if my partner. What happens if my child. What happens if. If the person that I'm having the issue with or that I need to get the thing out just isn't receptive? What would you suggest to somebody that's like that or is in a situation like that?

Catherine Collins [00:14:22]:

I mean, I think that's going to be pretty common. And in fact, I think that's where a lot of difficulties come in relationships. When you're not on the same page, when you're not both on a growth journey, what I think a lot of people would say is that you have to do what best for you, and you have to continue to advocate for yourself, and you have to continue to be calm and continue to say, I'd really like to stick to the 60 second rule. Or maybe we can do like a 15 minutes rule. Okay, you're home again from work today. Like, I've asked to stick to the 15 minutes rule. Talking about, you know, Judy and HR, who's so rude or whatever.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:02]:

Rather specific, but okay.

Catherine Collins [00:15:04]:

People should know this is like a joke that just. Cause Andrew and I, it's just the two of us with our business, that we always just make up HR people's names. We're like, I'm going to tell that to Judy or Deborah or whatever. We just make it up.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:17]:

I thought it was Helen and HR, so I didn't know we had, like, a whole staff of HR people, which.

Catherine Collins [00:15:21]:

Is like, you can never remember the name of our fictitious HR person. So I just, like, throw random names, no offense to anyone, if you have those names.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:30]:

No. And work in HR, it's all good.

Catherine Collins [00:15:32]:

Yeah, no offense meant, but I think that if the other person is on the same page, all of us are in control of ourselves, and all we can do is advocate for ourselves and ask for what we need and continue to do the work on our own, reinforce boundaries. I mean, sometimes if eventually, over months and years, you don't get what you're looking for, you have to make hard decisions at that point. But I do think it's worth trying, and I do think it's worth discussing and advocating for in hopes. And this is what my hope is all the time. In hopes of having a peaceful home with a peaceful relationship where things get worked out and when hard times come up, you get in the boat together and figure it out.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:16]:

I know that there are a lot of men out there who are not listening to this podcast and never will because this type of stuff is just not their wheelhouse or. And it's very uncomfortable for a lot of men to talk about their emotions if you're with somebody who is just not open to hearing it and you love that person and everything else is good, but this is kind of like that sticking thing, you know, there's different ways I would handle that, but one of them would just first be, just go talk to yourself in the mirror because it's an energy thing, right? It's stuck inside of you. Like you, you know, when you don't have, you have that like, kind of feeling in your chest, that tightness or in your throat, and it's like it just needs to come out. It doesn't have to be to that person necessarily. It doesn't have to be to anybody. But being able to just kind of let it out of in a physical sense, whether it's in the mirror or like, you know, if you don't want to sound crazy talking in the mirror, go have a shower and, you know, let it rinse off and all the other things, but being able to just respect yourself, to go like, look, this is not right for me. This doesn't feel good. I don't like this feeling.

Andrew Dewar [00:17:23]:

I'm going to go deal with it. You know, some people just don't want to have hard talks. A lot of people I've met over the years, like, they don't want to go into those feelings. They, you know, it's just, it's not happening in their lifetime. So you have to kind of know the person that you're with and go, look, they. I can vent about my work, but I know that if I'm talking about how frustrated I am about this particular person, place, thing, event, it's gonna fall on deaf ears and it's gonna actually exacerbate the issue with me and this person because I'm gonna feel like I'm not being heard, that they don't care. I'm gonna make all these stories up. So sometimes when you're in the boat together and you acknowledge that this person can't hear certain tones or see certain colors because they're, that's just the way they are.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:08]:

You have to find a way for yourself to work around it and, you know, going for a walk, talking just like venting or whatever, letting it out of you. Get the bug out is kind of the message that I'm trying to convey here. Just because that one person isn't going to hear you doesn't mean that you need to leave it stuck inside. You still need to get it out in whatever way that makes sense for you.

Catherine Collins [00:18:30]:

Yeah, I like the idea of talking to yourself in the mirror. And then another thing that you can do is give yourself 60 seconds, ten minutes, 15 minutes to write it down in a journal, too. Of course, we're very pro therapy over here on the five year you podcast. That is another way to do it, another way to seek support and maybe some other viewpoints from a professional on, you know, ways to handle challenging moments or hyper negative people or whatever. Sometimes a therapist can give you really good tools to try out and use to help you in those situations, too.

Andrew Dewar [00:19:06]:

Yeah, absolutely. Another thing I will say, and this isn't so much the 60 second rule, but this is something that kind of ties into that with the general overall need to vent. I think it's a normal thing, but if you find yourself venting about the same person, place, thing, event over and over and over again, it could be something deeper than that, of course. And the deeper thing I've been kind of noticing isn't so much the surface thing. So if, if it's the person in HR, because we're just going to attack HR today, apparently. So if it's the person, you literally have given four different names so far today.

Catherine Collins [00:19:49]:

It's a big HR team that's invisible over here.

Andrew Dewar [00:19:52]:

Yeah, fair enough. If you have that HR problem, it might not be that. It might be that you just have to have a problem to look at because you're afraid of being happy. And that's a completely different episode. But it is something that, it's like, yeah, it's might be the next one we record then. But when you kind of get to that and you're like, wow. Yeah, I've noticed that sometimes you will notice that the person that is the problem isn't really the problem because when that person goes away, somebody else just takes that place. And I had a boss like that, and that was my first experience, and it was like he had to have the issue person.

Andrew Dewar [00:20:32]:

And if you were that issue person, it was you for years. Yeah. Until the next person came in and did something worse. And then that kind of locked in, in their brain. It was a small staff and you could just see over the, over time who it was. And it was like that person could not do any good. It was always something wrong, and then it wasn't so much like problem seeking, but it was problem finding, and they were always able to find it. So there might be something in you that is going like, wow, I just need to make sure that there's a problem because I'm afraid to be happy.

Catherine Collins [00:21:05]:

That's a good one.

Andrew Dewar [00:21:06]:

Yeah.

Catherine Collins [00:21:07]:

So I think that is a good way to end it. I would say, to sum up this episode and the things that we want you to take away is there's two ways to look at the 60 second rule. Right. You could be the person that, like Andrew said, needs to do some self introspection and ask yourself if you're blocking your own happiness and by, you know, being someone that gets easily frustrated or complaining and sort of work on those mindfulness techniques, and the 60 second rule is one of them, you can sort of give yourself that limit of telling someone else or writing it down in a journal or telling yourself in the mirror as a way to sort of limit the negativity in your own life. And then there's, of course, you know, the other way where if you have a partner or a child or someone close to you that is complaining a lot, and it's getting to be, like, draining. This is a conversation you can have and a tool you can use or bring up as a way to make sure that they feel heard, but, again, that you don't spend hours of your day rehashing the same problem over and over again. Of course, you know, these are just things that work for us when we come up with different ideas. In this case, when Andrew sort of came up with the 60 second rule and we noticed it was really effective for us.

Catherine Collins [00:22:27]:

These are things we just like to bring back to our audience to share in hopes that they may help you, too.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:32]:

Yeah, I think that's an awesome way to sum it all up. Thank you for doing that.

Catherine Collins [00:22:36]:

Of course.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:36]:

Okay, Cat, so now it's time for our glimmers. It's always that fun part of the episode where we share something that's bringing us joy or happiness or just something maybe we found we bought anything that just kind of puts a smile on our face. So what is putting a smile on your face and in your heart today?

Catherine Collins [00:22:55]:

Well, I will say that this whole week, I get a lot of one on one time with my son. Because I have twins, it is very uncommon for them to be separated. Right. But just the way it happened this week. My daughter has camp this week, and my son just has, like, tennis in the afternoon, evening. So for much of the day this week, you know, even today we just ran some errands. But. But it's so nice to get the time with kids one on one and certainly hope to get it with my daughter, too, but.

Catherine Collins [00:23:27]:

And you have two kids, too, so, you know. You know, usually they're kind of grouped together. You take them both out to dinner, you take them both to school, whatever. To get one on one time is rare. And so that's making me really happy this week.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:38]:

That's good.

Catherine Collins [00:23:39]:

Yeah. How about you?

Andrew Dewar [00:23:40]:

Something similar, actually. I'm back home for a couple of days and then I'm heading on a road trip with my son and my dad. I've never done this before. I've gone on trips with my son. I've gone on. I don't think I've ever gone on a trip with just my dad. So I'm really excited for this because he's really excited. We're just driving down to Minneapolis.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:59]:

We're going to go see a twins game and maybe do a few other things. Nothing huge, but it's going to be a really good time to make some memories and do all the things. So I'm really grateful for that. I'm really looking forward to it. And all the things that, all the memories that we're going to make in.

Catherine Collins [00:24:14]:

This coming week, I love that. Yeah. As our kids are getting older, right. That quality time becomes more rare and then you value it that much more. So I love that you're doing that. You'll have to tell us how it goes next time.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:26]:

Yeah, for sure. All right, everyone, until the next time. Take care.

Catherine Collins [00:24:31]:

Bye.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:32]:

Hey, one last thing. Don't forget to go to fiveyearyou.com future to start getting those emails from your future self. It will change your life.

Catherine Collins [00:24:43]:

Quick disclaimer, we're podcasters on the Internet. If you need to seek professional help, please go see your healthcare professional.