Making Friends as Adults

00:00:00 - Andrew Dewar

Are you having a hard time making friends as adults? Today's episode is all about figuring out that age old question. How do you make friends when you're not in school anymore? Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

00:00:18 - Catherine Collins

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw, real, and relatable.

00:00:24 - Andrew Dewar

Are you ready to grow? Full disclosure, I am not great at this. How about you? So our intention is, hopefully we make some friends through this. No. Hopefully, we are, fingers crossed, are able to just have a frank and open discussion about making friends as adults. The challenges, the ups and downs, and just knowing that. I think the struggle is real for a lot of us, especially Cat and I, we lend to the more introvert side of things.

00:00:55 - Catherine Collins

Home bodies.

00:00:56 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. And it's really hard to meet somebody in your own house. But I will say, like, Cat, what has been your experiences making friends as adults?

00:01:07 - Catherine Collins

Yeah. Well, I will say this.

00:01:11 - Andrew Dewar

The long pause was just priceless. Bitcoin.

00:01:14 - Catherine Collins

Okay. So I have had luck with proximity. So I've moved a lot. I have moved many times in the last 15 years. I've lived out of the country. I've lived in New Jersey, I've lived in Michigan, and I just recently moved to Chicago suburbs. What I've learned is that proximity is really helpful. And proximity. Right. Is just who's around you. That's why you become really good buddies with people that you work with. And I had luck making friends with neighbors. I've had luck with making friends with moms at the park, which is really hard because you honestly feel like you're asking someone to go out on a date. Like, if the mom's really cool and they don't seem like they're hovering or, like they're just, like, hanging out or they. They say something funny to their kids. You're like, oh, this is like a non judgy, cool mom. I did meet one of my friends that way. Like, I've asked for mom's numbers at the park, and it's hard. Like, I have empathy for men who ask women for their numbers. I was like, whoa, this is hard. My very best girlfriends, the ones I talk to a lot, one of them I met because she works with my former husband, and she and I are very similar because we can be sort of not reserved at first, but, like, it just takes a while for, like, people to get to know us. But, like, once you're there, like, we have a very deep, vulnerable friendship. My other two girlfriends that I talk to the most are friends from childhood, high school, and I still keep in touch with them. Met a really fun friend who's an extrovert at my daughter's ballet class. And I like to say, sometimes extroverts like to adopt me. So she was very good at being like, have you left the house lately? Have you gone anywhere? And I'd be like, I did end up going to trader Joe's once in the last two weeks. And she'd be like, Catherine, that's not going to work. You need to go do something. And I'm like, like, what? You know? And so I enjoy having friends who understand me and who understand that I'm not always the one to, like, initiate plans. Like, sometimes you have to come adopt me and, like, scoop me up. But, like, if I am your friend, I enjoy being, like, the trusted voice. I enjoy being someone that people can come to with a range of issues. And, like, I like having few but very, very deep friendships. It's just somebody's got to scoop me up first. It's kind of how it works, which means I'm not maybe the expert to talk about this off the.

00:03:53 - Andrew Dewar

I don't necessarily. I don't think we need to be experts on this. I think it's a conversation around how hard it can be, especially coming out of the last few years that we're coming out of where everybody was like. I mean, we literally had to wear masks talking with people, you know? And it's like this barrier that was maybe already ex. It was already hard to make friends as an adult before that, but now it's. There's just like, there's this added film around everybody. I can say for myself, too, like, I'm a unique duck, and that is the age appropriate version of it that d might. Could be replaced with a different letter. But, yeah, I'm a unique person. I'll joke with you that, you know, I'm incapable of small conversation, but I really like to know if the person's gonna be able to be deep. I can make a conversation with anybody, and it's nice, but I only have a level of that of five minutes to maybe an hour. Then it's like, okay, let's. Is this worth your time? Cause I don't wanna waste their time, or mine, for that matter. So I like to kind of get vulnerable, and that's usually my trick, quote, unquote, to seeing where that person is and if we're going to be a good fit. And most of my friends that I have are all appreciative of that. There are a lot of others that has gone the wrong way, or it's the right way, but not the way I was hoping it would go in that moment. I think vulnerability is really a nice way of kind of seeing if that person's on your level, if you're willing to be vulnerable. Most people are very superficial. I've sat in plenty of hockey dressing rooms for, like, basically 40 years of my life. And the talk doesn't go much below the games that are going on that night and beers and everything else that are happening, but it just kind of depends on the friendships that you want. There is this really, really funny episode I used to watch, king of Queens. This is like a tv show from, like, 15 years ago, maybe 20 years ago now. Geez.

00:05:55 - Catherine Collins

Holding back any type of jokes to tease you.

00:05:58 - Andrew Dewar

I know. Thank you. And I thank you for that. And I thank you for acknowledging the fact that I watched tv and you didn't. So we're watching this, and it's this couple who, you know, like, most couples, they're together and they're like, we need friends, and they don't have any. So they go to the hardware store and they're trying to pick up another couple to, like, just hang out with, just to be friends with. And they fail at it miserably and hilariously through the whole thing. So I remember seeing that and thinking, thank God it's not just me. It's like, it is really, really hard because when you're in school, you have proximity. You have, like, forced interactions, for better or for worse. So your friends are geographically designed for you. You know, like, I've met plenty of people that went to different schools around me, but I didn't know them because I didn't see them every day. And ironically, most of the people I went to school with, I never saw after school. But those are the people that you see all the time. So, yeah, people from work are going to make sense. You know, that's why a lot of people kind of have work friends where it's like, maybe it's clients or coworkers, but making a new friend, I think it really starts with, like, just trying to be, like, you know, what kind of knowing what kind of friend you want. Because if you're wanting somebody just to go to cute stuff and with, as we like to call it, or, which is basically, you go to antique shops and go, like, looking for cute things to.

00:07:28 - Catherine Collins

You go look for cute things. I love that phrase.

00:07:30 - Andrew Dewar

It really is. Yeah, it's so much fun.

00:07:34 - Catherine Collins

Versus the mall, which is not cutest stuffing. That's just like commercial society. But cute stuffing is when you go get all the cute little things.

00:07:42 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, it's when you see find like the little kitschy cute things like antique shops and stuff like that. If you're just looking for a friend and any friend will do well, then if you're a cute stuffer and somebody else is a mall goer, it's not, it maybe isn't the greatest fit or, you know, you're looking for a new friend and your parent and this person is your agenda, but has no kids and has no inclination of ever being married. Not always, but it can be a very different lifestyle that may not gel with yours. So kind of maybe getting clear, I think, a little bit on what kind of friend you're looking for. I think that's really helped me in the last couple of years.

00:08:20 - Catherine Collins

I think so. And you brought up a really good point about vulnerability, because I think that there's two main ways to make connections with people, and this is really anyone, right? This is sort of fundamental. It's things that we do naturally as kids. But unless you've, like, taken business school classes on networking and things like that, you really don't learn this. So there's two ways to connect with people. One is to be vulnerable. That means that you tell somebody what's really going on in your life. You. And this is really helpful with making mom friends. Mothers, we tend to have this idea that everyone else has it all together and everyone's so shiny on social media. But I know, like, with my close friends, I can say, this is so hard. I don't know if I'm doing it right. I don't know if this choice was right. And then my friend can say, I understand. I see that you're a good mother. I've had this other issue and like, you sort of exchange pieces of you that you might not show to everybody. And the other way to connect with people, and I do this often, is to ask people about themselves, show an interest in who somebody is. I feel like in our society, everyone is so busy wanting to talk about themselves and what they do, it is so rare for someone to come up and say, well, do you have any trips planned this summer? Or, you know, like, how are you enjoying this age gap with your kids? Or like, whatever it is. Where did you go to school? Oh, is your job similar to that? Oh, really? Well, how did you get into that? My dad taught me this he was like, you know, people really like when you show a genuine interest in who they are and what they do, and then hopefully, you know, over time that's reciprocated. But I, you'll find if you start doing this as a habit, people will remember you as an interested present person. And those are the types of people that people want to be friends with.

00:10:33 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, I would wholeheartedly agree. One of the books I first got when I was like, this is 20 years ago, was how to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. And that is like one of the first things that he says. It's kind of interesting that being interested, even like, I don't know if that was 100 years old now or whatever it is, still is valid today. It's not like we tend to think like, oh, people are just self centered and social media and all this stuff, it's like, no, we're all self centered because we're the one that is living in this body every day. And when somebody else comes out and goes, how are you doing? You just go, oh, my goodness. Let me tell you, you know, that's how you make those connections. It's not about being interesting, it's about being interested. And that is a very big distinction I try to convey to my kids because I think we all just want to talk about ourselves. And it's important to remember that that's what the other person wants to do, too. And when you listen, you find out more, you learn about the person. You're going to learn more about so many things when you just listen to somebody new. But then you're also going to have that ability to see, do they reciprocate? And to me, I think that's just as important, because if I ask you how you're doing and you start telling me everything about your life and all those things, that's great. But if you get up and just walk away or you never turn the question around and go, how about you? How are you doing? Well, clearly there's a disconnect there, and maybe that's the kind of friendship you want. I don't. But I think that's what makes a really good friendship is that give and.

00:12:12 - Catherine Collins

Take also seeking out places where you can find like minded people. Right? Because friendships are based on people that share interests. You and I met at a financial bloggers conference many, many years ago, and all of our friends that we have from that community love going to that conference because it is the one environment where we could find other people who nerd out about money. Don't think it's a taboo topic where you were sort of free to be yourself, whereas there might be other friend groups where they definitely don't want to talk about, like, your portfolio and, like, what side hustles do you have? And, like, how's your business going? What I'm saying is it's okay and encouraged to have friends in different categories of your life. One best friend doesn't have to be your person for, like, every single thing. I'm actually in search of a really cool, like, thrifting buddy in my new town. But they might not necessarily be the person I talk to about entrepreneurship and business. Or, like, my sister would probably not enjoy going thrifting with me because, you know, she's beautiful and wears all these beautiful clothes and it's just amazing. But I can tell my sister anything about how hard parenting is and motherhood is, and I know she won't judge me or tell anybody. And so it's okay to have different friends to fulfill different needs. You know, maybe seek out. You might have your comic con friends, you might have your, you know, your grilling friends, your fishing friends. I don't really know. Not you, because you don't have fishing friends because you're allergic to fish. But, you know, in general.

00:14:02 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah. I think having, having that best friend is so vital. I mean, you know, you're my bestie and that I talk to you about everything because that's just the way we kind of establish things very early on. But I know that you don't care about the hockey games or anything like that, or sports ball, as you like to call it. So we're not going to have those talks.

00:14:23 - Catherine Collins

Well, I care because you care, but my interest extends to sometimes I'll look up if you're team one.

00:14:34 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, well, and that's just that you have an interest, but I have no.

00:14:37 - Catherine Collins

Idea what goes on with it. Like, if, when I watch a hockey game with you, I'm just like, oh, oh, yeah.

00:14:43 - Andrew Dewar

And that's okay. It's just knowing those interest. Like, you know, if somebody's really not too spiritually inclined, I'm not going to have discussions around energy work and all those things, but if they're really into, like, biohacking or fitness or whatever, I will have conversations with that, and that's okay. It's not about trying to make this other person into a different version of me. I don't want that. It's. I need people that are. Have diversity and whose thoughts and ideas are different than my own. So I grow. And I think that's really what I look for in a friend, is somebody who is, you know, they've got those similarities, but they also have enough differences that you're like, you can hear things and you go, oh, okay. I have never considered it from that point of view. I love those people because they are so good for my soul and so good for growth. I would way rather be friends with you, who goes, I know nothing about sports, but I will look into these different things to know what a slap shot is in hockey, rather than just going, sports are stupid. I don't want to know.

00:15:48 - Catherine Collins

That one's self explanatory. Right?

00:15:51 - Andrew Dewar

Yep.

00:15:52 - Catherine Collins

They just slap the stick and then it goes into the fence. Oh, goal.

00:15:59 - Andrew Dewar

She got there, folks. She got there. In the end. That's what matters.

00:16:02 - Catherine Collins

So sports ball.

00:16:04 - Andrew Dewar

Sports ball. But that's the point. You don't need your friends to be exactly like you. And I would also encourage you to, when you're meeting people, embrace their diversity because you can learn some really cool things. And I think you and I have both talked about, like, you know, neighbors, people we've met who are, like, different ages, you know? Different ages. Yeah. Like, some of my friends, one of my closest friends is 20 years older than me.

00:16:28 - Catherine Collins

I was about to say that. It's like, because of. I was thinking about that friend. His name's Willie Joe of yours. And it's like, because you have this shared interest, you probably, like, wouldn't have predicted to be really, really good friends with someone 20 years older than you. But some people you just click with.

00:16:45 - Andrew Dewar

That's just it.

00:16:46 - Catherine Collins

I love that.

00:16:48 - Andrew Dewar

I think one of the cool things I've heard recently is that there are three friends you should have. And take this with a grain of salt, but I. You should have a friend that's at your age. Like, kind of at the same stage of life, not necessarily age. I think once you get out of school, you realize that age really has no bearing on things. Especially, you know, if you have kids in your twenties and somebody's having kids in their forties, you have way more in common than them.

00:17:14 - Catherine Collins

So true. I was, like, the youngest mom at my kids school. And, like, yeah.

00:17:19 - Andrew Dewar

When she says at her school, she means at her kids school. For those of you listening, at my.

00:17:23 - Catherine Collins

Kids previous school school, there's moms like, 20 years older than me, and, like, some are really, really nice, and some were in this, like, vastly different stage in life. So it just kind of depends on who you click with, too.

00:17:35 - Andrew Dewar

Exactly. So, you know, having somebody at that same stage is a very valuable thing. Having somebody that can sort of mentor you, like somebody who's a little bit older, who's kind of gone through what you're going through. Maybe it's a few years in advance, maybe it's several, maybe it's decades, but that you can kind of go to and they can give you that perspective of, this is just a season. This season will change, which I think has been very valuable to me because in the parenting world, it's very easy to get sucked into the day to day dramas and things that happen with your kids and to kind of know that it passes and then somebody else that you can mentor. In my case, my kids are teenagers. So me talking with you often is about saying, you know, like, you're at a really good age right now with them. These are really good years. It's going to change. It's not going to be bad when it changes, but just know that these are good times and enjoy them. And having somebody tell me, my kids are getting married right now, you know, they're going to go away to college, these are the things that you need to just know that this is part of it. You know, they're growing apart from you, and this is, it's kind of sucks as a human, but at the same time, it is very much part of the process. So it's good to have those three categories of friends because they really do help you feel like you're helping, being helped, and you have somebody else along the journey with you at the same time. And as far as making friends, have we made any headway on this? I feel like people are listening to this going like, how do I make a friend?

00:19:04 - Catherine Collins

Well, look, I just moved, so I'm having to kind of redo this. But again, I am so delighted and surprised at how many of my, because we have worked online for so long. I have many friends that I was Internet friends with before I was real life friends with. And there are two of them that live in this area, three, actually. And so I know that all three women have reached out to me and said, you know, welcome, yada, yada, yada. But I know it's on me to say, hey, okay, I'm unpacked. Do you want to get together this week? Do you want to get together with the kids this week? Can the kids and I bring you some breakfast or some donuts or whatever it is and say hello? I think that would be really, really nice. So again, it's kind of knowing yourself. So for me, I know that I'm not usually an initiator, but because I just moved, is probably my best interest to be an initiator if I want to build a community here of other women and moms who, you know, might be able to step in or help or just somebody that's there. I don't have any parents or extended family here, so it's nice to have a community should something come up.

00:20:22 - Andrew Dewar

Very good point. You raised something that I really want to hammer home here. It's that when you meet somebody new, when you're trying to make a new friend, one of the things is don't put too many expectations on. Don't put any expectations on it. But, you know, don't think that this person is going to be your be all, end all. And you got to spend every moment with them, but at the same time, know that this person, whoever it is, has their own ways of doing things, of being, of how they spend their evenings, their weekends, their mornings, whatever it is. And that if you find somebody, you're like, you know, this person's kind of cool. I want to get to know them more. You have to be the one that initiates things. That's the start of it. You start to initiate. You're like, you know, do you want to come over for, you want to go for coffee? Can I bring you donuts? Whatever. Like you were saying, you have to initiate it. And then there comes a certain point in my experience, and this isn't for some people, are just initiators over and over again. I kind of like to make sure that I'm not bothering the person. So I kind of, to use the, like, the little kid analogy that nobody really seems to do anymore, but you go knock on the kid's door, your friend's door, and they come out and play. If you're always the one going and knocking on that person's door and that's okay with you, great conversation ends there. Just keep doing that. But if you're wondering, I need to know that this is a two way street. Sometimes you need to make sure that person's going to come knock on your door, too. But just know in the beginning, you probably are going to be the one that is putting the, uh, the initiating out there.

00:21:53 - Catherine Collins

And I know that, like I said earlier in the conversation, sometimes extroverts have to adopt me. And my friends know, like, sometimes, you know, they have to be the ones to, like, remind me and things like that. But I know myself well enough to know that in this instance, like, I have to put some effort into it. And friendship, like, all relationships, should take effort. And when we care about people and, like, people, we should put our time and energy into things. And again, like, I hope that we've answered this question, and so I'll kind of bring it back around to some key things. I think that. That you said and we mentioned making friends as an adult. First of all, if you're looking around and you're like, oh, my gosh, I got caught in this, like, haze of raising kids, and I'm looking around and I don't have regular friends, just know that that is a very common experience. And there are a lot of people who say how hard it is to make friends as an adult, you have some options. Option number one is to reach back out to old friends. I've done this before. One year, it was my New Year's resolution to reconnect with people I love and friends in the past and be honest and vulnerable. Hey, I really miss you. I've gotten so caught up in, like, mothering and work and stuff. I'm sad that we are not as in touch as we used to be. I would love to, like, reconnect what's been going on in your life and then making that effort to, like, keep up with, like, as I'm saying this, I'm like, I could send texts to my three or four girlfriends to say, how's it going? How's summer going? And then again, with anyone new, the two ways to connect with people are to be vulnerable and to ask people about themselves. It seems rudimentary, but sometimes it's good to have the reminder. And if you find that someone maybe is uncomfortable with being vulnerable or something like that, they might not be your people. And to remind yourself that sometimes it takes time to meet a good group of people, forming trust and relationships should take time. So put the effort into it. Realize that it takes time. And if someone's not into you or not responding, don't take it personally. It might not mean anything about you. We all know how crazy things can get and schedules can get to try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and to speak up, you know, if you want to keep the friendship going, but you sense it slowing down.

00:24:22 - Andrew Dewar

Yeah, I think that's just it. It's always been understanding that, you know, it's not about you. It's usually about them and their lives, and that's okay. I think you. You summed it up really well, and I think that's a good place to end the conversation for now. Catherine, it's time for our glimmers. So what is your glimmer today?

00:24:39 - Catherine Collins

Yeah, well, we share glimmers, which are things that make us happy, that can be completely random things, whatever. Today I would like to share that. I had a key lime pie. My dad came up to help me move in and he was very focused on teaching us how to make a key lime pie, which I'm not very, not a big cook, not a big baker. I just kind of like, you know, get by with that stuff. I was surprised at how easy it was and it was delicious. Like, I used to think, oh, you can only get key lime pies if you go to Florida and like get the real thing. I was surprised, it was delicious and I bought everything to make one with my daughter this week.

00:25:22 - Andrew Dewar

Again, that's great. I can't wait til the next time I help you move and you can make me a keymine pie. That is awesome. It's so fun when you, I love when you demystify things and you find out that this thing that you were going, this is so hard. It's like, oh my, this is, this wasn't bad.

00:25:37 - Catherine Collins

I know, I was shocked to. What about you? What's glimmery in your world lately?

00:25:42 - Andrew Dewar

Glimmery in my world lately is that right now this is coming out in the middle of summer and I am really excited for the trips that are coming up. I am going to Chicago and DC and Atlanta and a whole bunch of places and I'm really loving the trips. I'm really excited to explore Chicago with you and just all the things. It's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, that's my glimmer. My glimmer is like travel is the thing that just lights me up and you know me, like, I don't sit still for too long and the second one trip ends, I'm like looking at three more. So I'm really excited for the trips.

00:26:20 - Catherine Collins

Oh, we are looking forward to having you back this way for sure. And I think that's great. Hey guys, quick disclaimer, we're podcasters on the Internet. If you need to seek professional help, please go see your healthcare professional.

00:26:34 - Andrew Dewar

Hey, one last thing. Don't forget to go to fiveyearyou.com future to start getting those emails from your future self. It will change your life.