Coping Skills

Andrew Dewar [00:00:00]:

Have you ever had a bad day and just not been able to let it

Andrew Dewar [00:00:02]:

go? This episode is just for you. It's all about coping

Andrew Dewar [00:00:06]:

skills, what they are and how to use them. Let's dive in.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:10]:

Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to

Andrew Dewar [00:00:14]:

helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm

Andrew Dewar [00:00:17]:

Andrew.

Catherine Collins [00:00:18]:

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw,

Catherine Collins [00:00:21]:

real, and relatable.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:24]:

Are you ready to grow? So our intention for you today is

Andrew Dewar [00:00:27]:

that you learn about coping skills, what they are, and

Andrew Dewar [00:00:31]:

how you can start incorporating some into your life. And if you've never

Andrew Dewar [00:00:35]:

explored coping skills, you're not alone. Most of us don't learn

Andrew Dewar [00:00:38]:

about this stuff. Cat, you were the one who introduced me

Andrew Dewar [00:00:42]:

to coping skills a long time ago. What's been your

Andrew Dewar [00:00:46]:

experience with this? Like, how did you come across it?

Catherine Collins [00:00:49]:

Yeah, so, like all good podcast episodes,

Catherine Collins [00:00:52]:

I like to start off by saying I learned this in therapy,

Catherine Collins [00:00:56]:

but it's crazy. One of my very first therapy

Catherine Collins [00:01:00]:

sessions with the therapist I got when I moved here to

Catherine Collins [00:01:04]:

Michigan, where I currently live, I remember going to

Catherine Collins [00:01:07]:

her and talking to her and just sort of, you know, getting the basics

Catherine Collins [00:01:11]:

down. In that first session, she told me that I

Catherine Collins [00:01:15]:

needed to learn how to self soothe

Catherine Collins [00:01:18]:

and always had anxiety.

Catherine Collins [00:01:22]:

And I have all these different ways that I cope

Catherine Collins [00:01:26]:

with it and get through day to day life. But until

Catherine Collins [00:01:30]:

she pointed out that I actually did

Catherine Collins [00:01:33]:

not know how to self soothe, I didn't realize it was a

Catherine Collins [00:01:37]:

skill that you could actually learn. And

Catherine Collins [00:01:41]:

this comes from, like, childhood, right? It comes from,

Catherine Collins [00:01:45]:

you know, your parents soothe you, your parents, you

Catherine Collins [00:01:49]:

know, try to make sure you're okay as

Catherine Collins [00:01:52]:

you grow up, as you mature, as you move out the house,

Catherine Collins [00:01:56]:

you have to become that for yourself. But so many of us aren't really

Catherine Collins [00:02:00]:

taught that specifically. We have no idea how to

Catherine Collins [00:02:04]:

calm ourselves down when we need it.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:06]:

Okay, a couple of things come to mind. First of all, thank you for being

Andrew Dewar [00:02:09]:

so open with that. I know it's always, these things can be

Andrew Dewar [00:02:13]:

triggering when you start having to go back to, like, earlier therapy sessions. And it's

Andrew Dewar [00:02:16]:

like you're always, like, kind of like gently pulling the ribbon off, going, is this

Andrew Dewar [00:02:20]:

just gonna stay close? We've handled this, so thank you for

Andrew Dewar [00:02:24]:

that.

Catherine Collins [00:02:25]:

Sure.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:25]:

When you say self soothe, part of it's my

Andrew Dewar [00:02:29]:

terribly bad dad joke brain, but the other part of it kind of comes in

Andrew Dewar [00:02:33]:

mind is like, putting a soother in your mouth and like, yeah, and you were

Andrew Dewar [00:02:36]:

saying that that's what our parents do and whatnot. And the thing that kind of.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:40]:

And it's wrong for me to have this connection because I do have several

Andrew Dewar [00:02:43]:

coping skills, but it's just like putting that soother in your mouth.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:47]:

It feels like a babyish thing almost. And I know it's

Andrew Dewar [00:02:51]:

not, but I was surprised that that just kind of popped up for me as

Andrew Dewar [00:02:54]:

we started talking about it. It's like, it's not for babies, it's not

Andrew Dewar [00:02:58]:

a childish thing. I think it's just somewhere along the line we kind of

Andrew Dewar [00:03:01]:

lose that.

Catherine Collins [00:03:02]:

I think it's like so many things. And the

Catherine Collins [00:03:06]:

more that we do this work, the more that we try to

Catherine Collins [00:03:10]:

become our best selves in five years, which is the point of five year,

Catherine Collins [00:03:14]:

you. The more we realize that the things that

Catherine Collins [00:03:18]:

children need are all of our innate needs as a human

Catherine Collins [00:03:21]:

being. Children just know how to ask for it, they know how

Catherine Collins [00:03:25]:

to cry for it, they know how to demand attention, they know how to

Catherine Collins [00:03:29]:

come up and squeeze you and all these different things as

Catherine Collins [00:03:32]:

adults, we still need the things that we needed as

Catherine Collins [00:03:36]:

children. We need love, we need connection, we need

Catherine Collins [00:03:39]:

nourishment in order to have a fulfilling life. And

Catherine Collins [00:03:43]:

as we get older, most people kind of

Catherine Collins [00:03:47]:

go through these phases of soothing themselves.

Catherine Collins [00:03:51]:

And if soothing to the people listening does sound a little

Catherine Collins [00:03:55]:

childish, that's why we're calling this coping skills.

Catherine Collins [00:03:59]:

You have coping skills that you don't realize that you have,

Catherine Collins [00:04:02]:

right? Yeah. There are people listening that are already coming

Catherine Collins [00:04:06]:

home from work, watching tv and cracking a beer.

Catherine Collins [00:04:10]:

And we're not saying there's anything specifically wrong with that. What we're

Catherine Collins [00:04:13]:

saying is if you're listening to this, wanting to improve your life and you

Catherine Collins [00:04:17]:

still feel like you aren't getting better, like you still feel

Catherine Collins [00:04:21]:

anxious, like you still feel depressed, then maybe your default coping skills

Catherine Collins [00:04:25]:

could use an upgrade.

Andrew Dewar [00:04:27]:

I think that's a really good point. I think sometimes our default

Andrew Dewar [00:04:30]:

coping skill, and this probably goes back to a lot of, I've been

Andrew Dewar [00:04:34]:

talking to a lot of people, and especially you, about like childhood and how that

Andrew Dewar [00:04:38]:

forms things, but I think part of our coping skills is to

Andrew Dewar [00:04:42]:

avoid them. Like, avoidance is like this huge coping skill.

Andrew Dewar [00:04:45]:

It's not really a coping skill in my mindset, but it's, I

Andrew Dewar [00:04:49]:

think, one that most of us have. You have a rough day at work, you

Andrew Dewar [00:04:52]:

come home, you crack a beer, you watch sports or whatever,

Andrew Dewar [00:04:56]:

all that does is like it just kind of phases you out and you stop

Andrew Dewar [00:04:59]:

having to deal with the reality that you're living in. But the problem with

Andrew Dewar [00:05:02]:

that, in that instance where you aren't dealing with it, you

Andrew Dewar [00:05:06]:

get stuck in a groundhog day. Groundhog Day was a movie, Catherine, just so you

Andrew Dewar [00:05:09]:

know, over and over again. And when

Andrew Dewar [00:05:13]:

that happens and you're repeating it, so

Andrew Dewar [00:05:17]:

then the next time you have a bad day. Cause, like, let's face it, dates

Andrew Dewar [00:05:20]:

are hard. You know, it's hard to human, as we like to say it

Andrew Dewar [00:05:24]:

is. So you get home again and you

Andrew Dewar [00:05:28]:

sit down, you know, you turn on the game or a movie or Netflix or

Andrew Dewar [00:05:31]:

video games, crack a beer, and do you do the

Andrew Dewar [00:05:35]:

same thing? And again, you've avoided it. Well, if you do that for

Andrew Dewar [00:05:39]:

a few weeks, that just starts to become your way of

Andrew Dewar [00:05:42]:

coping. But the thing that's not happening is you're not actually. You're not actually

Andrew Dewar [00:05:46]:

managing it. You're just. Yeah, you're just stuffing it more in

Andrew Dewar [00:05:50]:

inside of you, and it's not handling it. Which coping

Andrew Dewar [00:05:53]:

skills have you tried that have worked for you and some that haven't? Because it's

Andrew Dewar [00:05:57]:

not like there's a one coping skill fits all thing for

Andrew Dewar [00:06:01]:

me.

Catherine Collins [00:06:01]:

One of the best coping skills that I have is talking to

Catherine Collins [00:06:05]:

people in human connection. I have a tendency.

Catherine Collins [00:06:09]:

I'm hyper independent, almost to a

Catherine Collins [00:06:12]:

fault, where I feel like I can read anything

Catherine Collins [00:06:16]:

and figure it out. I can watch anything and figure it out. If there's something.

Catherine Collins [00:06:20]:

There's a tough problem I'm dealing with. I'm sure there's a book on it. When

Catherine Collins [00:06:23]:

things get hard, I can tend to turn inwards. So

Catherine Collins [00:06:27]:

one of the ways that I cope and one of the ways that

Catherine Collins [00:06:31]:

my therapist recommended to me is to tell

Catherine Collins [00:06:34]:

somebody what you're going through, because I'm

Catherine Collins [00:06:37]:

definitely someone that's like, I'm fine. Everything's great. If

Catherine Collins [00:06:41]:

you have one or two trusted people, and you've been a trusted person for me

Catherine Collins [00:06:44]:

for many, many years, if you have a safe person,

Catherine Collins [00:06:48]:

then you're winning. And you just have to be

Catherine Collins [00:06:51]:

willing to allow someone to know that you're not

Catherine Collins [00:06:54]:

okay in order to get that support and connection.

Andrew Dewar [00:06:58]:

And that kind of ties back to our art of vulnerability episode, too,

Andrew Dewar [00:07:02]:

because it is a challenge. So thank you for sharing that. Thank

Andrew Dewar [00:07:06]:

you for letting me be your coping skills buddy.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:10]:

I'm going through target, and I'm trying to find the coping skill

Andrew Dewar [00:07:14]:

aisle, and I noticed it's kind of like a spice rack.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:18]:

So let's just do a few ideas, like

Andrew Dewar [00:07:21]:

some rapid fire things for our listeners to kind of go like, okay, that's something

Andrew Dewar [00:07:25]:

I can do. One for me again, like you, I get stuck in my

Andrew Dewar [00:07:29]:

head on this it's a beautiful hamster wheel, but it's definitely a hamster

Andrew Dewar [00:07:33]:

wheel going round around and getting nowhere. For me, talking is one of them.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:37]:

Another one for me is going for a walk outside.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:40]:

That helps a lot. It just kind of gets you out of your location, get

Andrew Dewar [00:07:44]:

some fresh air, sun on your face, all the things. What's another one for

Andrew Dewar [00:07:48]:

you or one that you've tried?

Catherine Collins [00:07:49]:

I was going to say reading, because I love to read, but that could also

Catherine Collins [00:07:53]:

be a little bit of escapism as well. As far as things

Catherine Collins [00:07:56]:

that don't work, like I'm not going to be somebody that's like, I'm just going

Catherine Collins [00:07:59]:

to cook and relaxing. Like, I'm definitely a hobbyist

Catherine Collins [00:08:03]:

failure. Like, I have a really hard time having hobbies because every

Catherine Collins [00:08:07]:

hobby I have I just want to turn into a business of some kind. So

Catherine Collins [00:08:10]:

those types of things aren't great for me because it just keeps my mind running

Catherine Collins [00:08:14]:

of like what else can I do with this? But I do this with my

Catherine Collins [00:08:17]:

kids too. My daughter especially benefits from

Catherine Collins [00:08:20]:

coping skills. Hers are drawing.

Catherine Collins [00:08:24]:

She loves to draw. She's loved art since she was a kid. She has going

Catherine Collins [00:08:28]:

in her cozy space. She has a cozy space with a bean bag in her

Catherine Collins [00:08:31]:

room that has her stuffed animals and all kinds of things that is more

Catherine Collins [00:08:34]:

beneficial than them playing a video game together. I

Catherine Collins [00:08:38]:

have boy girl twins for those who are just tuning in. They're ten

Catherine Collins [00:08:41]:

years old. And that's another reason why I brought up this

Catherine Collins [00:08:45]:

topic for the podcast, because I've been talking to them. They've had a lot of

Catherine Collins [00:08:49]:

questions about drugs and alcohol lately and the way that I. Yeah, I've

Catherine Collins [00:08:52]:

got great times. Parenting, piece of cake. I have explained

Catherine Collins [00:08:56]:

drugs and alcohol as a coping

Catherine Collins [00:09:00]:

skill that some people use in order to

Catherine Collins [00:09:03]:

stop feeling their pain and their

Catherine Collins [00:09:07]:

emotions, and that they use it to

Catherine Collins [00:09:10]:

cope. But much like you were saying with the tv, but when they

Catherine Collins [00:09:14]:

stop or they come off of, or they the next day after drugs and

Catherine Collins [00:09:18]:

alcohol, they still have the sad feelings with them. And so I've

Catherine Collins [00:09:21]:

explained to the kids that they have to choose better

Catherine Collins [00:09:25]:

coping skills. For a lot of people, that's running

Catherine Collins [00:09:29]:

meditation, yoga again, talking to a

Catherine Collins [00:09:32]:

friend, planning a trip, writing, journaling.

Catherine Collins [00:09:36]:

A lot of people, they like cooking, being creative,

Catherine Collins [00:09:40]:

painting, doing anything, that it's something

Catherine Collins [00:09:43]:

for you, something that you enjoy, something that you do

Catherine Collins [00:09:47]:

purely for the joy of it, breathing. You've taken a whole

Catherine Collins [00:09:51]:

course just on different types of breath work.

Andrew Dewar [00:09:54]:

Breath work. Oh yeah. It's amazing what you can do with that stuff.

Catherine Collins [00:09:58]:

You can really calm down anxiety with specific types of

Catherine Collins [00:10:02]:

breath. Work. Learning again. Rerouting thoughts,

Catherine Collins [00:10:05]:

thinking, stopping repetitive thoughts, choosing new

Catherine Collins [00:10:08]:

thoughts. There are countless different ways. One size does

Catherine Collins [00:10:12]:

not fit all, but like I said, even children, you can

Catherine Collins [00:10:16]:

identify this and say, I see you're getting upset,

Catherine Collins [00:10:19]:

and that's what I do with my kids. Do you need to go sit in

Catherine Collins [00:10:23]:

your chill space for a little while? Come back down when you've

Catherine Collins [00:10:26]:

chilled out in the chill space, it works if they

Catherine Collins [00:10:30]:

get mad or they start bickering with each other or something. I'm like,

Catherine Collins [00:10:34]:

does anyone need to do a coping skill right now? Do you need to go

Catherine Collins [00:10:36]:

draw you some time to yourself? Because this energy is not working

Catherine Collins [00:10:40]:

for anyone. You're disrupting my peace. So

Catherine Collins [00:10:44]:

these are words and phrases you can use as a parent as well.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:48]:

That's great. A few others that I do, singing, humming, those kind

Andrew Dewar [00:10:52]:

of soothe your nervous system. I'll go have. And this is really recent,

Andrew Dewar [00:10:56]:

but I'll go have, like, a hot shower and then a cold shower at the

Andrew Dewar [00:10:59]:

end, and that kind of resets your nervous system. And I found that to be

Andrew Dewar [00:11:02]:

like, it really helps, but it's. It takes a

Andrew Dewar [00:11:06]:

little bit of getting used to. You mentioned Ronnie. That was one of my big

Andrew Dewar [00:11:09]:

ones.

Catherine Collins [00:11:10]:

And you meditate every morning.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:11]:

I meditate every morning. I tapping. Did I just say I can't

Andrew Dewar [00:11:15]:

remember if I tapping?

Catherine Collins [00:11:16]:

No, you didn't say tapping. Tapping is a really interesting technique if

Catherine Collins [00:11:20]:

you've never heard of it. It's where you tap

Catherine Collins [00:11:23]:

pressure points on.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:25]:

Your body, acupressure meridians, and there's a

Andrew Dewar [00:11:29]:

great app, the tapping. I think it's just called the tapping app.

Catherine Collins [00:11:32]:

The tapping solution.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:33]:

I think tapping solution. Right. Tapping app might be a completely different thing. Don't go

Andrew Dewar [00:11:36]:

to that one. But it's so useful if you've never tried it. There's videos

Andrew Dewar [00:11:40]:

on YouTube for it. It was really one of those things that kind of shifted

Andrew Dewar [00:11:43]:

my energy along, because coping skill for me is like, that energy

Andrew Dewar [00:11:47]:

kind of builds up and it needs to keep moving along. That's

Andrew Dewar [00:11:51]:

why when I get on the hamster wheel and it's like, oh, they did this

Andrew Dewar [00:11:54]:

and this and this, and you just kind of. You just. You stew on it,

Andrew Dewar [00:11:57]:

really more than anything. And that forces

Andrew Dewar [00:12:01]:

me to start finding ways that energy gets releases. I know for. For me,

Andrew Dewar [00:12:05]:

it used to be like, you know, I would go and I would just shoot

Andrew Dewar [00:12:08]:

hockey pucks because it was just something I was. It

Andrew Dewar [00:12:11]:

got me out of the situation, got me into, like, a happy

Andrew Dewar [00:12:15]:

place. And did that have several guitars, and I love to play

Andrew Dewar [00:12:19]:

those. So that's another one that I really, really will gravitate to

Andrew Dewar [00:12:22]:

when I have a hard moment and I say that and I haven't done that

Andrew Dewar [00:12:26]:

in the last six months because I'm still trying different things. And sometimes the thing

Andrew Dewar [00:12:29]:

that worked Monday doesn't work Tuesday, and that's okay. That's why you try different

Andrew Dewar [00:12:33]:

things. What we're saying here is the essence of our

Andrew Dewar [00:12:37]:

show is five years from now, I'm assuming

Andrew Dewar [00:12:41]:

you want to be a healthier, happier, more better adjusted

Andrew Dewar [00:12:44]:

version of yourself listener. And when you

Andrew Dewar [00:12:48]:

think about that, that means that that person has to try on new

Andrew Dewar [00:12:52]:

shirts this week. They have to try on new coping skills. And you don't have

Andrew Dewar [00:12:55]:

to get it right. You're not going to get it right. Just accept that. But

Andrew Dewar [00:12:58]:

you're going to try something new. You're going to find what works for you,

Andrew Dewar [00:13:02]:

what doesn't. You and I were talking on the weekend how we

Andrew Dewar [00:13:06]:

both were really using tapping and then we both kind of fell off of it

Andrew Dewar [00:13:09]:

because we were using other coping skills. And now we're both kind of like.

Catherine Collins [00:13:13]:

We should do tapping again. Yeah. Yeah. You stopped using it. Yeah,

Catherine Collins [00:13:16]:

we were talking about it because we were saying it would help the kids

Catherine Collins [00:13:20]:

fall asleep better if they're having trouble falling asleep. And

Catherine Collins [00:13:24]:

we're like, oh, we should bring that back. I think a good place

Catherine Collins [00:13:28]:

to start is, first of all, we're all about awareness.

Catherine Collins [00:13:32]:

As a good first step listener, you might be

Catherine Collins [00:13:35]:

using coping skills that you don't realize you're using that might

Catherine Collins [00:13:39]:

have detrimental effects. The coping skills we're talking about

Catherine Collins [00:13:43]:

have long term mental health benefits. But let me

Catherine Collins [00:13:47]:

give you an example of a coping skill that many people have that is

Catherine Collins [00:13:50]:

very common in our society and that

Catherine Collins [00:13:54]:

is shopping. The coping skills that are

Catherine Collins [00:13:58]:

difficult to maintain are the ones that are really fast

Catherine Collins [00:14:02]:

dopamine hits. So I'm just as guilty as anyone

Catherine Collins [00:14:05]:

else as scrolling shopping on

Catherine Collins [00:14:09]:

Amazon, things like that. You get that quick

Catherine Collins [00:14:13]:

dopamine release and it makes you feel better when you shop. When

Catherine Collins [00:14:16]:

you buy something at the mall, it gives you a quick

Catherine Collins [00:14:19]:

dopamine thrill and that's why it's addicting and that's why so many

Catherine Collins [00:14:23]:

people do it. But so many quick, fast

Catherine Collins [00:14:27]:

thrills often come with a crash. So that might be when you

Catherine Collins [00:14:31]:

get your credit card bill in the mail, that might be, you might feel like

Catherine Collins [00:14:34]:

you have to hide your purchases from your spouse. It might mean a whole number

Catherine Collins [00:14:37]:

of things that then add negative types of

Catherine Collins [00:14:41]:

feelings, although no feelings are positive or negative, but less

Catherine Collins [00:14:44]:

preferred feelings like shame and guilt. And

Catherine Collins [00:14:48]:

then you're perpetuating the bad feelings that you were trying to

Catherine Collins [00:14:51]:

avoid to begin with. So what we're encouraging you is to sit back and

Catherine Collins [00:14:55]:

think, when I have a bad day, how do I cope? What do I do?

Catherine Collins [00:14:59]:

And is there something else that I can replace it with

Catherine Collins [00:15:03]:

that might be healthier for me long term to become the person I want to

Catherine Collins [00:15:05]:

be?

Andrew Dewar [00:15:06]:

First of all, thank you for pointing those things out. I think they're very,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:10]:

very common. A useful way to distinguish if it's a good coping

Andrew Dewar [00:15:14]:

skill or a bad coping skill is a good coping

Andrew Dewar [00:15:17]:

skill, helps you in the long run. A bad coping

Andrew Dewar [00:15:21]:

skill either pushes it down or creates a new problem.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:25]:

Yeah, I mean, online shopping is so much fun, right? Like, it's like

Andrew Dewar [00:15:28]:

basically getting Santa to deliver something to your doorstep every other day if you want

Andrew Dewar [00:15:32]:

to do it that way. So there's this huge benefit for it,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:36]:

but it sets up other problems, like overspending,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:39]:

debt, budgeting troubles, all these kind of money things. It feels

Andrew Dewar [00:15:43]:

good in the moment, but it feels bad after, whereas

Andrew Dewar [00:15:47]:

something that is free, like going for a walk,

Andrew Dewar [00:15:50]:

humming, talking to a friend about it, those

Andrew Dewar [00:15:54]:

things will make you feel better in the long run and

Andrew Dewar [00:15:57]:

probably get you out of the loop, the trap, and you

Andrew Dewar [00:16:01]:

actually do cope with it rather than just

Andrew Dewar [00:16:05]:

push it off to the side and give yourself a little dopamine hit. And social

Andrew Dewar [00:16:08]:

media is extremely addictive because of that reason. Like,

Andrew Dewar [00:16:12]:

it's designed to keep you on. So, you know, how many times do you see

Andrew Dewar [00:16:15]:

people, they're just, like, scrolling mindlessly, and it is mindlessly because they

Andrew Dewar [00:16:19]:

just, they're doing that. And it's not hating on the social media thing.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:22]:

It's just a really, really easy example to kind of look

Andrew Dewar [00:16:26]:

at and go, look, this doesn't actually

Andrew Dewar [00:16:30]:

serve you because you're not dealing with it.

Catherine Collins [00:16:33]:

Not only that, you're adding feelings of comparison, feelings of being

Catherine Collins [00:16:37]:

less than you're having fomo. You know, it's adding a lot of

Catherine Collins [00:16:41]:

different things. And we're both on social media, so we get it.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:44]:

Yeah. And it's a hard one to break, too, especially when it makes you

Andrew Dewar [00:16:48]:

feel that dopamine is hard to break. Even though social media makes most of

Andrew Dewar [00:16:52]:

us feel bad after the fact, it's a real challenge for most of us

Andrew Dewar [00:16:55]:

to kind of go, okay, well, I'm not going to go on it because it

Andrew Dewar [00:16:59]:

makes, it gives you that initial hit, and then you go off and you get

Andrew Dewar [00:17:02]:

your notifications or whatever, you come back on you feel good and then you feel

Andrew Dewar [00:17:04]:

bad, but it's just this weird kind of

Andrew Dewar [00:17:07]:

cycle that is not unlike, you know, drinking and

Andrew Dewar [00:17:11]:

drugs. You feel good when you do it. Initially, you get your

Andrew Dewar [00:17:15]:

nicotine, your alcohol, your whatever

Andrew Dewar [00:17:18]:

substance. Your brain fires off this great thing, and then you

Andrew Dewar [00:17:22]:

feel terrible later on. Long term, that

Andrew Dewar [00:17:26]:

doesn't help you grow to become the best version of yourself. And that's really what

Andrew Dewar [00:17:29]:

we're talking about right now, is that we want to become the best version of

Andrew Dewar [00:17:33]:

ourself.

Catherine Collins [00:17:34]:

I think that's a good delineation, too. Another good delineation

Catherine Collins [00:17:37]:

is it's a coping skill that serves you if it

Catherine Collins [00:17:41]:

helps you to feel better consistently and in the long run.

Catherine Collins [00:17:45]:

Cause another coping skill is crying. That release might feel bad,

Catherine Collins [00:17:49]:

but then it might feel good. Your coping skills are supposed to make you feel

Catherine Collins [00:17:52]:

better long term, whereas the coping skills that might not be

Catherine Collins [00:17:55]:

beneficial, they only make you feel better in the short term, and then you kind

Catherine Collins [00:17:59]:

of have the crash.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:00]:

Yeah, I'm gonna google what delineation means, but I'm sure

Andrew Dewar [00:18:04]:

you don't want to play Scrabble with Catherine. She will obliterate you. And I

Andrew Dewar [00:18:08]:

had to use that word recently, but you're

Andrew Dewar [00:18:11]:

100% right. It's that short term pain for long

Andrew Dewar [00:18:15]:

term gain instead of short term gain and

Andrew Dewar [00:18:19]:

long term pain.

Catherine Collins [00:18:20]:

That's right.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:21]:

That was really hard to say, by the way.

Catherine Collins [00:18:24]:

That shouldn't have been put on a t shirt. It was a good

Catherine Collins [00:18:27]:

one. I just remember being so amazed, and

Catherine Collins [00:18:31]:

I'm happy to share this with people today, this whole idea of coping skills, because

Catherine Collins [00:18:35]:

it seems like we should just know this much, like so many other topics

Catherine Collins [00:18:38]:

we talk about. But again, you know, our society sometimes

Catherine Collins [00:18:42]:

gets a little mixed up in the wood and the things that we value. This

Catherine Collins [00:18:46]:

is one of those things that I want to encourage people that you

Catherine Collins [00:18:50]:

can learn. It's a skill you can acquire, and it's one

Catherine Collins [00:18:53]:

that can be very helpful to you in the long term.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:57]:

It really is an important adulting

Andrew Dewar [00:19:01]:

skill that really kind of gets beat out of us very, very

Andrew Dewar [00:19:04]:

early on with, I don't know how it was for you, but growing up for

Andrew Dewar [00:19:08]:

me, and it wasn't so much necessarily for my parents, but it was society around

Andrew Dewar [00:19:11]:

me that's saying, like, you know, I'll suck it up and, like, let it go

Andrew Dewar [00:19:14]:

and all these things, and, like, those are about as effective as

Andrew Dewar [00:19:18]:

trying to solve algebra, chewing bubble gum, it just, you know, it doesn't work,

Andrew Dewar [00:19:22]:

so you just start putting it away, and then you just think, like, well, now

Andrew Dewar [00:19:25]:

I'm miserable all the time. Well, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna start

Andrew Dewar [00:19:29]:

trying to cope or I'm just gonna avoid. And it's

Andrew Dewar [00:19:32]:

easier to avoid. It's easier to crack a beer. It's easier. Easier to

Andrew Dewar [00:19:36]:

watch whatever makes you feel good in that moment, but it doesn't

Andrew Dewar [00:19:40]:

serve you in the long term. And if you're listening to us right now, it's

Andrew Dewar [00:19:43]:

because you want to get better in the long term.

Andrew Dewar [00:19:47]:

Give yourself permission to try something new, something stuck out in those lists, that list

Andrew Dewar [00:19:51]:

that we gave you, or you thought, you probably thought, you know what? I should

Andrew Dewar [00:19:54]:

try this thing or that thing. And when you

Andrew Dewar [00:19:58]:

have those moments, give yourself permission to try them. Google

Andrew Dewar [00:20:02]:

tapping, you know, like, hum to yourself in the car when that person cuts you

Andrew Dewar [00:20:05]:

off and you're like, you know, you get upset.

Catherine Collins [00:20:08]:

Think about the things you love to do as a child. Sometimes those are our

Catherine Collins [00:20:12]:

kind of very earliest things of enjoyment before

Catherine Collins [00:20:15]:

we knew what the world approved of or what

Catherine Collins [00:20:19]:

was, quote unquote good or bad or what girls or boys, quote unquote

Catherine Collins [00:20:23]:

should do, shouldn't do whatever. Think about what you really liked doing as

Catherine Collins [00:20:26]:

a kid. And oftentimes that's where you can find your

Catherine Collins [00:20:30]:

inspiration on the things that, like, sort of are innately

Catherine Collins [00:20:34]:

you that you can get back to.

Andrew Dewar [00:20:36]:

Another one that happens for me, is talking with people for

Andrew Dewar [00:20:40]:

sure about it, but helping somebody else always. And that can

Andrew Dewar [00:20:44]:

also be a bad one because if I'm not dealing with my own

Andrew Dewar [00:20:47]:

stuff, yeah, my own stuff. But there's a balance there. But,

Andrew Dewar [00:20:51]:

yeah, helping other people with their something, it doesn't matter what. It

Andrew Dewar [00:20:55]:

just, like, it lifts me up and it makes me feel like, okay, I'm doing

Andrew Dewar [00:20:59]:

good for the long term.

Catherine Collins [00:21:00]:

Well, Andrew, what action step would you give our listeners

Catherine Collins [00:21:04]:

as part of our way to sum up this coping

Catherine Collins [00:21:08]:

skills episode? What would be the first step you'd encourage someone to

Catherine Collins [00:21:11]:

take?

Andrew Dewar [00:21:12]:

I would replace the word grow up that you got told

Andrew Dewar [00:21:16]:

when you were younger with get young. I like that,

Andrew Dewar [00:21:20]:

you know, give yourself permission. You just had a nice session

Andrew Dewar [00:21:24]:

of becoming aware that you might be doing this. Awareness is

Andrew Dewar [00:21:27]:

always our first step to growth. So now the next step

Andrew Dewar [00:21:31]:

is trying something out. Doesn't matter what it is.

Andrew Dewar [00:21:35]:

Walking like we gave you. We've just been given a decent list to start

Andrew Dewar [00:21:38]:

that's not too overwhelming. Or think about what used to calm you when you were

Andrew Dewar [00:21:42]:

a kid. Like you said, that's a big one. And then

Andrew Dewar [00:21:46]:

start to carve that new neural pathway that was there a

Andrew Dewar [00:21:50]:

long time ago. And start going back to it and start going,

Andrew Dewar [00:21:53]:

okay, this person did this. I had this happen. I

Andrew Dewar [00:21:57]:

am not going to go do the thing that I always do. I'm not going

Andrew Dewar [00:22:00]:

to go, you know, shop on Amazon. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:04]:

It's just the purpose that it's serving in that moment is the issue.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:08]:

Let yourself try this new thing. And it's not going to feel right in the

Andrew Dewar [00:22:11]:

first time, probably the way you want it to, because it's not going to have

Andrew Dewar [00:22:14]:

the fast dopamine hit that your brain gets in all these other

Andrew Dewar [00:22:17]:

situations. But start to assess. Give yourself

Andrew Dewar [00:22:21]:

a week, even a couple of days to kind of go, you know, I handled

Andrew Dewar [00:22:25]:

this differently this time, and I'm not thinking about it two days later.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:29]:

In fact, if you forget to think about all of this three days later, because

Andrew Dewar [00:22:32]:

what you did worked, that's the success right there.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:36]:

And bring some consciousness to that. That way you can start

Andrew Dewar [00:22:39]:

practicing the things that work and give yourself permission to fail.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:43]:

Big thing for us at five year you is you

Andrew Dewar [00:22:47]:

have to be willing to be wrong. You have to grow, you have to be

Andrew Dewar [00:22:50]:

willing to fail, to have setbacks

Andrew Dewar [00:22:54]:

to step higher. And that is a key thing.

Catherine Collins [00:22:57]:

I love that. Those are all great updates, great

Catherine Collins [00:23:01]:

tips. I like it.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:02]:

Well, thank you for bringing this idea to us today because it's one of those

Andrew Dewar [00:23:06]:

things that you and I do, but we do forget it.

Catherine Collins [00:23:08]:

Yeah, we do forget that we had to learn it a few years ago ourselves.

Catherine Collins [00:23:12]:

And it's super helpful, and it's helpful for the kids, too.

Catherine Collins [00:23:15]:

All right. We end every episode with something called glimmers.

Catherine Collins [00:23:19]:

These are the sparkly, happy things, things that make our

Catherine Collins [00:23:23]:

lives better, easier, books that we read. Who knows? It's

Catherine Collins [00:23:26]:

random every time, but we like to end with things that

Catherine Collins [00:23:30]:

uplift us and things that we want to share with you. So, Andrew, do you

Catherine Collins [00:23:33]:

want to go first and share your glimmer?

Andrew Dewar [00:23:35]:

Sure. I was in visiting you last

Andrew Dewar [00:23:39]:

weekend, and I just got in really late last night. And my

Andrew Dewar [00:23:43]:

glimmer is I had three separate conversations with

Andrew Dewar [00:23:46]:

people and they were all very deep.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:50]:

I always joke that I'm incapable of, like, superficial conversation, but

Andrew Dewar [00:23:54]:

they're all deep conversations and I left every one of them feeling like I had

Andrew Dewar [00:23:58]:

helped them. And in turn, that made me feel pretty

Andrew Dewar [00:24:02]:

awesome. I didn't approach anybody. I'm usually, you know, I just. Because

Andrew Dewar [00:24:05]:

I know I'm not. Yeah. So I mean,

Andrew Dewar [00:24:09]:

to the point where one guy, I sat next to him the whole plane ride,

Andrew Dewar [00:24:12]:

we didn't say a word and then he offered me a

Andrew Dewar [00:24:16]:

lounge pass to, you know, chat with him. And it's really nice when

Andrew Dewar [00:24:20]:

you have, like, a five hour layover and you're like, you know, come to the

Andrew Dewar [00:24:23]:

lounge. That's a glimmer. It's just you forget sometimes that

Andrew Dewar [00:24:27]:

your energy is shifting and you have these things around you. So.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:30]:

That's my glimmer. Cathryn, what's yours?

Catherine Collins [00:24:32]:

My glimmer actually has to do with you visiting me this past weekend, too,

Catherine Collins [00:24:36]:

because it's super helpful to have a tech

Catherine Collins [00:24:40]:

nerd as my partner because you fixed

Catherine Collins [00:24:44]:

my computer. Man, you rock.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:47]:

Thank you. The Andrew ego show is

Andrew Dewar [00:24:52]:

I am.

Catherine Collins [00:24:52]:

So glimmery because this is my first time recording a

Catherine Collins [00:24:56]:

podcast on my imac. My imac is, like, a couple years older

Catherine Collins [00:24:59]:

than my laptop. It just was going so slow, like,

Catherine Collins [00:25:03]:

I wanted to fling it out the window every day, but it's so

Catherine Collins [00:25:07]:

great because I am a freelance writer as my, you

Catherine Collins [00:25:11]:

know, regular day job, and it's just so nice to have the big

Catherine Collins [00:25:15]:

screen, but it was, like, slow as a snail. Anyways, Andrew worked his magic,

Catherine Collins [00:25:19]:

spent a few hours on it, made it all fast, and I don't know what

Catherine Collins [00:25:22]:

he did, but I am so grateful because

Catherine Collins [00:25:26]:

it's been so nice. So thank you. You are my glimmer.

Andrew Dewar [00:25:29]:

Oh, thank you. That is really kind. And thank you for finding the articles for

Andrew Dewar [00:25:33]:

me to read on that.

Catherine Collins [00:25:34]:

I was like, I think this can fix it. I don't know how, but I

Catherine Collins [00:25:37]:

think this is the thing. This sounds like my problem. Figure that out. Right? Okay.

Catherine Collins [00:25:41]:

Thanks.

Andrew Dewar [00:25:43]:

And for the you tech people out there, it was. I looked at this. I'm

Andrew Dewar [00:25:46]:

like, there is no reason why this should work the way it does, but

Andrew Dewar [00:25:50]:

it did, and it's really amazing. And I'm so grateful

Andrew Dewar [00:25:54]:

that it worked because it's so nice to have the bigger screen,

Andrew Dewar [00:25:58]:

and the fact that you're recording on it for the podcast on it for

Andrew Dewar [00:26:01]:

the first time shows that it's great.

Catherine Collins [00:26:03]:

It's working great. Thank you so much.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:06]:

All right, team, thank you so much for listening, and we will see

Andrew Dewar [00:26:10]:

you next time. Good luck with your coping skills.

Catherine Collins [00:26:12]:

Bye.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:14]:

Well, thank you for listening. Remember, it doesn't matter where you've

Andrew Dewar [00:26:18]:

started from or where you're coming from. It matters where you're going.

Catherine Collins [00:26:21]:

And we are rooting for you.

Andrew Dewar [00:26:23]:

Just a reminder, we're two people on the Internet. We're not doctors

Andrew Dewar [00:26:27]:

or anything else, but we do want to help. If you feel that you

Andrew Dewar [00:26:31]:

need professional medical care, please see a licensed

Andrew Dewar [00:26:34]:

medical practitioner.