Moving to Authenticity

Andrew Dewar [00:00:01]:

Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

Catherine Collins [00:00:09]:

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw, real, and relatable.

Andrew Dewar [00:00:14]:

Are you ready to grow? Pack up your bags. We're moving to authenticity. Today's episode is all about. Sorry, the dad jokes are never gonna be good, but today it's all about moving into a state where you are authentic to yourself. And I just love the play on words of authentic city is also authenticity. So, Cat, we work on this a lot with our clients in coaching, and it's the first thing we talk about. I know you just finished an interview on another podcast, too, talking about this, so you're coming in hot with this, which is really good.

Catherine Collins [00:00:48]:

Yeah, actually, I think I did two interviews this week on authenticity. Oh, and I, by the way, I think we need to give proper credit to authenticity from our friend Lisa Peterson, because I think we got that from her.

Andrew Dewar [00:01:02]:

Yeah, I'm trying to remember if she was, like, scarcity, like, scarcity or authenticity.

Catherine Collins [00:01:08]:

And I'm like, well, we love Lisa, and we recommend her all the same.

Andrew Dewar [00:01:12]:

She's amazing. Being authentic is incredibly hard when you live your life for everybody else. I know I was doing that. I know a lot of people do. I think every one of the clients that we have is, like, they're just lacking that true self, that who they really are. What would you say is, like, the first step you need to do when you're trying to move to authenticity? What's the first thing you pack? I'm gonna drop this joke at some point. I promise.

Catherine Collins [00:01:37]:

Okay. Well, hopefully it's now.

Andrew Dewar [00:01:42]:

Done.

Catherine Collins [00:01:44]:

I just tease. I kind of like it. Well, really, we need to know the why. Right. Back to work. All right. First, you need to know your why. Why is authenticity important? Why are we even doing this episode? And it's because we believe that the path to true happiness is being authentic to who you truly are.

Catherine Collins [00:02:06]:

There are thousands of books about happiness. Everyone's always searching for this elusive happiness. How do I be happy? How do I become happier? And the truth is, is the more you honor yourself, your preferences, and do the things in this life that you actually want to do, that is the path to happiness. We've seen it with ourselves. We've seen it with the people that we help, and that is the why. And so with every person that we work with. So if you were one of our coaching clients, we would send you a set of questions, and one of the very first questions we asked is about your childhood. You can explain.

Andrew Dewar [00:02:47]:

Yeah. What we found, and both from working with people and from ourselves, is that there were certain things when you're a kid that you just love to do, it really is kind of pulling back the adult layers that we've put on ourselves and going, what is that thing that really lights you up? What was the thing that, you know, you could do for hours as a kid and not be bothered? You know, like it was that thing where, when you got called in for supper or to go do homework or whatever else, you're like, oh, but I want to keep doing this thing I've been doing for hours and hours and hours.

Catherine Collins [00:03:16]:

Hours.

Andrew Dewar [00:03:16]:

This is something I did many years ago where I was kind of, my kids were starting school and, you know, like the, I'll use air quotes here, but the full time dad gig was shifting and I needed to have something that I wanted to do that was going to be enjoyable. And of course, I went through all the, well, I could make more money, I could do this and that. But the things that really stuck out for me were I really liked writing. I loved writing. I love getting to know people and I loved learning, and I also love figuring out problems. So these were kind of all things that as a kid I would solve puzzles. I would, you know, like physical puzzles. I would love talking to kids and listening to everything they had to say.

Andrew Dewar [00:03:55]:

I loved learning about people. I loved learning in general. I loved writing because that was just something that came a little bit later on. Any kind of, like, figuring out to help people was just that thing. So when I took those things that I liked, then I started to look for activities that I could do these things in, not necessarily all at once, but I found that for creating a blog and writing about money and helping people in ways like that. And that has morphed and changed over the years into where we are now, which is something where we really get our coaching clients a big hand in helping them find their true purpose. And it all starts with asking yourself, like, what do you really like? Because I think a lot of us at this age, we forget. We get caught up in the day to day and the week to week, and then suddenly we're older and we're like, I used to love playing guitar, you know, and it's been sitting in my living room for twelve years as the nicest decoration I have, but I haven't touched it.

Andrew Dewar [00:04:52]:

So when we're working with people, that is kind of the first thing is to, to just look at it and go, okay, what?

Catherine Collins [00:04:59]:

Yeah. And it might not be, like, as direct as, oh, I played guitar as a kid. I like playing a guitar. Now you have to just kind of think back to your. Your tendencies, your preferences. Like, what did people say about you? One of my favorite stories of this is Marie Kondo, who wrote the international bestseller the magic of tidying up. I'm sure I feel like that's not exactly the right title, but you all know who I mean. She said that when all the kids went to recess, she would stay in the classroom with her teacher, and she would, like, organize everybody's cubbies, and she would want to, like, sweep the floors.

Catherine Collins [00:05:35]:

And that was her natural inclination as a child, as young as, like, first grade. And of course, now she has a bestselling book about tidying up, organizing. And you might have been the person growing up that people came to for advice, that people trusted. You were always a helper, and so maybe in your job now, you are not activating that helper within you. You know, maybe you're working on spreadsheets instead, and maybe you would be better as a therapist, coach, whatever. Whatever it is, you know, for me, obviously loved to read and love to write. Made a little family newspaper and distributed it, you know, was, like, on my school newspaper. So that's always been a big part of me.

Catherine Collins [00:06:21]:

But another big part of me is sort of being told my whole life, you know, this is my sensitive kid. You're so sensitive. You're too sensitive. It was always presented as, like, a negative, you know, like, I was just sort of hard to deal with because everything would move my emotions in one way or another. But now, in the work that we do, now we're on a podcast, and because of those sensitivities, you know, we're able to talk about really difficult things and have empathy for people. And so in order to find happiness, you have to find those things that are authentically you, things that are sort of baked into your being, who you've always been. Like Andrew said, maybe had to get swept aside in the busyness of life.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:07]:

Yeah, that's very well put. And it just gave me my glimmers for later on. But anyway, I really do think that when we're starting for this, the hardest part is acknowledging a preference. Part of my evolution was that I needed to feel safe. So I gave my preferences away to everyone in this act of what I needed in those moments. And coming back to it, it was really hard. It was so hard that when I. And you know, this, but when I moved into my place here.

Andrew Dewar [00:07:37]:

I didn't even know what colors I liked. I didn't know what kind of couch I wanted or anything. And I got to discover it. And I share that because in the moment it felt very overwhelming. It was like, oh, my goodness, I need to figure all these things out. And I didn't. And that's when I took a couple months to get a couch. It was not very comfortable on car chairs, but that was just the process of, like, getting to know the person behind the face.

Andrew Dewar [00:08:04]:

And you look at yourself in the mirror every day, and so many of us don't know who we are because we've been putting on masks to help everybody else. And when you work with us, the thing you find is that you get to take those masks off. You get to show up as your authentic self. Being authentic is also saying, I don't know who that is today, but I'm going to try a little more salt on my food. Maybe I'm a person who likes salty instead of sweet. Maybe I've just been stomaching the sweet stuff because this is it. And it sounds so silly to make it such a small thing, but the big things are made up of all the small little things, and that's where we work. That's what happens.

Andrew Dewar [00:08:43]:

You need to be able to just start with one thing at a time. Do you like the lights bright? Do you like them diminished? Do you like waking up early? Do you like going to bed late? Which is it? You know, there's a million little preferences. And that's how you start to become authentic.

Catherine Collins [00:08:58]:

And I think that there are a lot of people listening who are in a partnership, relationship, marriage where they are feeling unhappy, and it might be because they are allowing just one person to have their preferences realized. In a healthy relationship, both people get to have their preferences shown and. Or take turns or compromise or whatever. Like, you know, you're trying to decide between chinese food and indian food. You know, it's cool to, like, switch off. So each person kind of gets their preferences honored, but it should be a give and take, right? Because I just thought of this when you said, like, the lights dim the light now. Well, what if their partner doesn't like the lights that way? And it's sort of like, you know, finding times a day or finding moments where each person can have their preferences recognized. But the core of this, and this is what I really want our listeners to hear, is you are worthy of all of your preferences and hopes and dreams and desires, whether they are as small as getting the kind of pizza you want or as big as wanting to move to another country because it's just on your bucket list.

Catherine Collins [00:10:19]:

You are worthy of all the dreams that you have, and you have those dreams and those ideas for a reason. They've come to you for a reason, and they're a part of you. If you're feeling unhappy and you're feeling stifled and you're feeling like there's something bigger for you out there, it might be because you have all these little sparkly pieces of authenticity inside of you that are not being acknowledged. And I think you'll find, you know, once you take the little sparkly bits one at a time and you start to kind of live your purpose, that you start to feel better.

Andrew Dewar [00:10:59]:

I agree. Very, very well said, by the way. No surprise that you said it so well. But it should always be acknowledged, I think, for the guys listening and you're hearing the sparkly stuff, I'm gonna reframe it sparkles, too. And, oh, I definitely do sparkle. Everybody has their sparkle and their glimmers and their shines.

Catherine Collins [00:11:16]:

All right, for the dudes, for the.

Andrew Dewar [00:11:18]:

Bros out there, I really wish I could. This isn't me, but it sums it up, and I wish I could remember who it comes from. But, you know, I'm not great with quoting quotes. But if you're at a point in your life right now where you are feeling an emptiness inside and you're feeling that something's missing, it's very likely the thing that's missing is you in your own life, and that's authenticity screaming to come out. It's that child that's like, remember when we used to play? Remember when we used to have fun and we used to do things just because we could? And, you know, remember how we used to love acting or hanging out with our friends or just maybe doing those things that now, as adults, we deem frivolous, and it's really not. It's you. It's your authentic part that is just screaming to be acknowledged so that you can start acknowledging it. And as you do that, as you start to say, I like going for a bike ride after work every day, so I'm going to get a new bike and start biking.

Andrew Dewar [00:12:22]:

It's silly that I stopped doing that 20 years ago. As you start to do these little things for yourself, you start to tell yourself in a lot of ways that you are worthy, that your preferences have validity to them, that your life is better when you acknowledge your worthiness. All of these things, as they happen, will feel silly and that's your ego coming in, trying to tell you, like, well, of course we can do that. Yeah, yeah, of course you can. You always could. But you stopped. You gave up on the little part of you that had to be given up. And what you're doing now is you're going back to your authentic self.

Andrew Dewar [00:13:03]:

We all go on this journey of, we'll call it self discovery, but you got to get lost first before you can go be found. And I think that's kind of what we see with so many people is I started off really wanting to do this, and then I became this job, I became this profession, and I hate it. And I just want to get back to feeling good. And feeling good starts with acknowledging your preferences. And even if you don't get your preference, even if the light has to be on bright at night in bed because the other person can't see properly, that is okay. It's just knowing that you have that preference at first, that is such a valid thing for you to get in touch with and go, look, I have merit, and my preference is this. I accept that this might not be the most conducive work environment if I'm singing from the top of my lungs the whole time when people are trying to do client calls. I accept that we're not saying that going to be perfect.

Andrew Dewar [00:13:56]:

What we're saying is you start this move, you start this shift inside of you. And as you start to shift, as you start to check in with yourself and go, what is it in me that I want right now? Even if you don't get it, at least you're acknowledging that you have a preference.

Catherine Collins [00:14:14]:

What would you say to somebody? Because there might be someone listening to this. And, you know, we both have heard this, too. That sounds like you're being selfish. It sounds like you're kind of being like, oh, it's all about me, selfish. And for many people, selfish has a negative connotation. So what would you say to somebody who wants to discover their authentic self or rediscover it, but they feel like that's kind of like a selfish act.

Andrew Dewar [00:14:42]:

It is. It's absolutely selfish. But you are a self, and you are full of yourself. And if you're not full of yourself, you are not being yourself. And if you're not being yourself ish, you can't be yourself. And without being yourself, who are you? You're pretending to be somebody else. It's not about being selfish. It's not about broad strokes.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:04]:

And I think that's what our ego does. It's like, well, you can't just pack up and live in a van for the rest of your life as you travel to Antarctica. Maybe you can't. Maybe you can't. It's always selfish, but that's not a bad thing. And I come from this place where it was the same thing. I was exactly the same with this. I would look at it and go, well, I won't get ice cream because I want to be able to afford the ice cream for everybody else.

Andrew Dewar [00:15:28]:

And little child inside of me is going, but I really wanted an oreo blizzard. And whereas now it's, you know, I'm going to prioritize myself. I'm not in a place of greediness or being egotistical, but just acknowledging that if I don't put my mask on first, if I don't acknowledge myself, I die. I die from the inside out. And this is coming from somebody who was doing that. So this is coming all from a place of walk this very hard path. Yeah. To answer yourself, it is selfish, but it's not the selfish that we brand everything in society as being negative.

Andrew Dewar [00:16:07]:

It is honoring yourself.

Catherine Collins [00:16:09]:

Yeah. And I think we've brought this up on the podcast many times before, but part of feeling good about yourself is doing the things you like to do and that you want to do and knowing that your dreams matter and your preferences matter. And I know that we've said this many times, but every time you do something or you make a choice that's in line with your authentic self, you are sending a signal to your own brain that you matter. And when you feel like you matter, you show up better for everyone else in your life and anyone out there who is a parent. You know, like, those first few years, you kind of lose yourself. You pour everything into, like, taking care of your child. My brother actually just. He and his wife just had their first baby, and my kids are ten.

Catherine Collins [00:17:01]:

And so I'm just seeing all these pictures and I'm remembering, like, oh, my gosh, like, it's just all consuming. He's perfect, by the way. Of course he's perfect, but all consuming. You know, it takes a long time to get to the point where I am now, where I can tell my ten year olds, look, I'm at a ten out of ten on the noise level, on the sound. I have to go lie down for 30 minutes. Like, I woke up too early. I want to be the best mom I can be. So I'm going to be true to myself, and I'm going to take care of myself, my authentic self is saying, if you don't get some rest or some quiet time to, like, even out your nervous system, you will be a monster to everyone.

Catherine Collins [00:17:43]:

And so it's better for them, for Andrew, for everyone if I get my rest. But that's also me telling myself it's something I wouldn't always do, is telling myself that my needs matter just as much, if not more, than my children's needs. Because if my needs aren't met and if I'm not okay, then how can I take care of them, right?

Andrew Dewar [00:18:06]:

It's really well put. Something kind of floated up, as you were saying that I think a lot of us, like our authenticity, our selfishness gets hammered down as we're younger. I think everybody can say, like, you know, stop being so selfish. Share the candy, do this, do that. And sharing is a good thing when it comes to all things.

Catherine Collins [00:18:25]:

And if you want to share it.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:27]:

With me, I will share my candy. But, you know, I'm going to go down a candy rabbit hole right now. So we're going to. We're going to jump over this and just keep going. But you and I have gotten really good at reframing past things as we discover stuff about ourselves and. And we grow. The thing that kind of came to my mind was, you know, like, in school, if you were, the teacher might have told you to, you know, don't be so selfish. Or a parent may have said, don't be so selfish.

Andrew Dewar [00:18:51]:

Something you may want to consider is that in somebody asking you to not be so selfish is their way of asking, of standing up for themselves, being authentic and being selfish themselves. They needed you to be quiet in class so that they could teach the rest of the class. That was them being selfish for a bigger cause. But again, it's just looking at it, trying to reframe it a little bit that, you know, in telling you not to be selfish, that was probably somebody else also acknowledging their selfishness, whether they knew it or not in that moment, that was just something that kind of popped into my brain and wanted to share.

Catherine Collins [00:19:27]:

I like that. That makes sense. There is a lot of reframing that goes on. And, you know, I think about, like, family and holidays and, like, a lot of people feel pulled in, like, 100 different directions. And it's like their mom and all their aunties and their grandma. Everybody wants to see the kids, and it's just like, it's such a stressful time for parents of young kids. You know, part of that is like, acknowledging, like, you know, they want to honor their preferences of seeing the kids. Yeah, but if you have a preference for, like, waking up on Christmas morning with your own kids and making your own memories, like, that's okay to honor your own preferences.

Catherine Collins [00:20:02]:

It's okay to not throw a big kid's birthday party because it's your preference to not spend $1,000 on a five year old. It's okay if, you know, you like certain things. Like, I like wearing bright colors. I love going to thrift stores. I have had people tell me, like, that's a weird thing to do. That's a very bright color for an adult woman to wear on an airplane. You know, thrift stores are gross or whatever. And so, you know, at this point in my life, I have to just be like, okay.

Catherine Collins [00:20:35]:

But it's my preference and it's what I like to do. There's literally nothing happier than me having, like, a book in my ears with a coffee, roaming a thrift store for an hour. That is, like, peak cat happiness right there. So it's just kind of, like, also as part of this and as part of, you know, we kind of give people homework and things to think about. Think about all your little quirks. Maybe things that you've tamped down. Maybe you have, like, a funny laugh or a sneeze or something and like. Or snort or a laugh.

Catherine Collins [00:21:08]:

Snort. Like, Andrew over here. Maybe it's something that you stopped doing because someone made a comment about it. Maybe just bringing it back as being authentically you. And every time you honor and love something about yourself, you're going. You're moving towards that authenticity. And I truly believe that the more you do that, the more it will become a habit, and the quicker you will get to the happiness and contentment.

Andrew Dewar [00:21:35]:

That you're seeking, I think that's a really good place to stop. My final thought on it is that we often talk about how people are living life by accident, which is you kind of patch together your life as you go along. I need this. I need to do that. Whatever. I'm going to please this person, that person. What we do is we really strip down all those layers to get back to your soul's purpose, your happiness. And when you know that, when you start moving towards authenticity, you get to create that life of purpose.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:06]:

When you start living your life with purpose, you stop living your life by accident. That's really what we're doing for ourselves, and that's what we help people do. And being authentic is. Is the first step. Even if you just acknowledge today that you would rather eat stew with a fork rather than a spoon.

Catherine Collins [00:22:26]:

I don't know.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:27]:

It's a terrible example.

Catherine Collins [00:22:28]:

You do you.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:29]:

You do.

Catherine Collins [00:22:30]:

You.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:30]:

And if all you can come up is with is terrible examples on a podcast, still you.

Catherine Collins [00:22:36]:

Okay.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:37]:

Do with a fork.

Catherine Collins [00:22:38]:

We accept you, Andrew. All right, well, on that high note, let's move to our glimmers. Glimmers are the sparkly, happy, fun things in this life. We like to share one glimmer each on every episode just to kind of fill you in on the things that we're just loving lately. Andrew, you got a glimmer today.

Andrew Dewar [00:22:57]:

Yeah. I am acknowledging my superpower. And I've never looked at it like, I've always looked at this as such a detriment to my life. It is my sensitivity. It is my superpower. It is my ability to sense things in other people, in myself. And it also helps me help people and help them heal in so many ways and to find their purpose. So that is my glimmer.

Catherine Collins [00:23:22]:

Well, it's about you. I was just gonna say that we started playing words with friends.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:27]:

That's right. I really like that.

Catherine Collins [00:23:29]:

I know. It's like, words with friends was really popular a few years ago, and I used to play it a bunch. Warning. It's full of ads and kind of like a little junkie now, but it was sort of like a fun thing to do. And Andrew beat me on our first game. But, you know, there's time.

Andrew Dewar [00:23:48]:

Super close score, like, within a couple of points. It's a lot of fun. And I think, again, one of our authentic steps is just allowing ourselves to have fun again. And not everything has to be work with a purpose. So it's nice. Yeah.

Catherine Collins [00:24:01]:

I find that Andrew and I are extraordinarily similar. And so we tend to be sort of serious, introspective, lots of reading, lots of, you know, deepest thoughts and conversation. And we love that about ourselves. That is our authentic. We are extraordinarily similar. So for us, it might not sound like a big deal to other people, but for us, like, actually playing a game on a phone is, like a big departure from, like, our normal conversation and stuff we do. So that was glimmery and fun for me. So just wanted to mention it.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:35]:

I liked it. I also liked how, like, for the first half of the game, we're like, this is okay, right? This is okay that we're doing this? Yes, it's okay. Both reassuring you people things.

Catherine Collins [00:24:44]:

Okay. It's fine.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:46]:

Yeah.

Catherine Collins [00:24:47]:

This is not a waste of time because it's words, right? It's cool.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:49]:

That's right. Yeah, it's all good.

Catherine Collins [00:24:52]:

Take advice from us, everyone.

Andrew Dewar [00:24:57]:

On that note, everybody, thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

Catherine Collins [00:25:01]:

Bye.

Andrew Dewar [00:25:03]:

Hey, one last thing. Don't forget to go to fiveyearyou.com future to start getting those emails from your future self. It will change your life.

Catherine Collins [00:25:14]:

Hey, guys, quick disclaimer. We're podcasters on the Internet. If you need to seek professional help, please go see your healthcare professional.